Factory Joke Thread – July 2014

I asked my Canadian friend "Did you have a good Summer?

He replied "Yes indeed, we had a great picnic that afternoon!"

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Murphy's Military Laws:
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. -Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke
3. Friendly fire ain't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets. (1)...uphill. (2)...and in the rain.
19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. -Heinz Guderian
20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. -George Patton
23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
24. Tracers work both ways.
25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. -Attributed to Napoleon
27. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank. -Karl von Clausewitz
28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%. -Douglas MacArthur
30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
32. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
34. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy. -Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
33. Only numbers can annihilate. -Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
34a. Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.
34b. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
35. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
36. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
37. Always honour a threat.
38. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
39. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant. -Charles Edward Montague
40. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history. -Author unknown

Lol yes! My house lol

Once upon a time there was a large and prosperous Kingdom run by a wise and powerful King. Then disaster struck in the form of a strange plague, which caused people to sicken and die horribly within a few weeks. The population of the Kingdom was declining rapidly. All the physicians in the land were called to the Kingdom, but none of them had any idea of what to do about this new disease.
The oldest of the physicians said that he had once heard that many years ago, when his grandfather was a boy, the Kingdom had been struck by just such a mysterious sickness. The pestilence had been ended with a magic potion prepared by an old sorceress. It was said that she was still alive, but her home was in the middle of the Dark Forest.
"The Dark Forest!" everyone gasped. They all knew that the Dark Forest was the most dangerous place in the region. Perhaps the most dangerous place in the entire world, for in the Dark Forest lived the Yellow Fingers, which grabbed any traveler who entered and would squeeze him to death. But no one could come up with another plan to save the Kingdom, so it was decided that someone had to defy the Yellow Fingers and find the ancient sorceress in the middle of the Dark Forest.
The King called his bravest Knight and explained the situation. Without hesitation, the brave Knight marched off into the forest ... and was never heard from again.
The King then called his second bravest Knight. The second bravest Knight hesitated for a moment before going into the fatal forest. But once he went in ... and was never heard from again.
So the King called his third and fourth bravest Knights, who took a bit more persuading. None of them ever returned from the forest. Finally the remaining Knights, who were not very brave at all, went into hiding.
The King was reduced to a state of despair. Then one of the King's young pages, came to him and offered to go into the Dark Forest and get the magic potion from the old sorceress.
The King was touched by the boy's foolish bravery, but he said, "Don't you realize that the Dark Forest is the home of the Yellow Fingers, and that many of my bravest Knights have perished there?"
The boy said that he knew all about it, but he was still quite sure that he would be able to accomplish his mission. In the end the King reluctantly agreed to let the page go. He was so desperate that he didn't know what else to do.
The Page walked off into the Dark Forest, and the King confidently expected never to see him again. Therefore the King was not merely surprised but very nearly hysterical with joy when, two days later, the Page came walking out of the Dark Forest clutching the formula for the magic potion that would save the Kingdom.
"How did you do it?" cried the King
The page just smiled, and said, "From now on let your Pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence,
painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You
are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the
crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to
Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing
in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from
Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don 't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road. People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck the naked cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car. I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him .... "Well," I explained to the angry Policeman .... "They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

I go to court in September.

A guy is showing his friends around his new apartment after a night of drinking.
One of his friends asks about the giant gong in the corner of his bedroom.
"Oh, that's my talking clock. Here, let me show you how it works."
He takes a mighty swing at the gong.
GONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG

Suddenly, a voice from next door screams, "What the hell are you doing?! It's 3:38 in the frickin' morning!"

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

Are you okay? What's your name?"

"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive.... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife. Won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be. really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said...

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Olny srmat poelpe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

If you can raed tihs psas it on !!

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the heck is she talking about?!!

Good One!!!

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman
unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but
did not miss them until they were back on the
highway. By then, they had to travel a distance
before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way
back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived,
as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve
her glasses, the old man said,

"While you're in there, you may as well get my
hat, too."

"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming;
soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind
of thing doesn't have to stop there."-- Dana Gould

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years.

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks,

"Where's his wheelchair?”

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says..
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

I should have seen this coming...

There was this western town whose ranchers were being bothered by a cougar. This cougar had attacked the ranchers livestock on many occasions. The ranchers in this town hired the famous Roy Rogers to lead a posse to track down this cougar and kill him.

Roy lead this posse wearing his brand new alligator skin boots. He had just acquired them and was very proud of the way they looked.

After tracking the cougar for a number of days, they finally came upon him. Roy took a shot but missed, letting the cougar get away.
That night the posse set up camp. While everyone was sleeping, the cougar attacked the campsite, but was chased off without anyone getting hurt. Unfortunately in the foray, the cat did destroy Roy alligator skin boots.
Roy was very upset about losing his new boots. He rode back to town (which was painful without boots), got an old pair of boots, and went out after the cougar by himself.
After a few days of tracking, he caught up with the cougar. He picked up his rifle, aimed, and with one shot, killed the cougar.
He placed the cougar on the back of the horse and rode back to town with it. As the ranchers in town saw the carcass on the back of the horse they came out and cheered Roy's success.

As he rode up in front of the hotel, surrounded by cheering ranchers and townsfolk, Dale Evans came out of the hotel and asked, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

I usually like these, but don't get this one...

It finally ran through - Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

Actually, I thought was rather poor as a pun.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?".

The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

THE BRUNETTEwas thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

THE REDHEADwas elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

THE BLONDE was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

No way the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday"

Then be glad you've never seen the very (very!) long one about Nate...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did!?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron, he eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now!?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

"Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Man: My wife is in labor and needs an ambulance!

911 Operator: Is this her first child?

Man: No, this is her husband.

Good One!!!

Paraprosdokian.
“Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” Ex … “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,”

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
Hat Tip to Sticks Survival

Good One!!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing..'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ....
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied ..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to

"make a difference"in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

HAROLD SAYS: "I've often been asked,

'What do you do now that you're retired?

'Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before, was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, ....
"See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"

Sadly, I like that one. :)

A new scam targeting older men: (some young ones too)

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it yet.

A 'heads up' for those men who are regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No,' but, instead, ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into your vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then, one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also, Dec. 1st, 4th, 7th, twice on the 8th, five times in January already, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $0.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So, please, send this on to all older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)