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Frequently Asked Questions
I was in the bar last night, just sittin’ at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do."
I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is scheduled for Monday . . . .
Sat-Nav in the car crash test car - "Go straight, then go straight, then"
Better your teeth than your viginity !! LOL
I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
Did not see that one coming.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
I'm taking Earlene with me."
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
How I lost my teeth
Alzheim er'sTest How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
6. _ _NDOM
You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?
Well, you don't have alzheimers, but you are a pervert!
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
And after that?" asked the Mexican.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings socializing, and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of the story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.
* Help! I'm being held prisoner in a chinese bakery!
* A dubious friend may be an enemy in camouflage.
* A fresh start will put you on your way.
* A friend is a present you give yourself.
* A gambler not only will lose what he has, but also will lose what he doesn't have.
* A light heart carries you through all the hard times.
* A new perspective will come with the new year.
* A person is never to (sic) old to learn.
* A person of words and not deeds is like a garden full of weeds.
* A smile is your personal welcome mat.
* A smooth long journey! Great expectations.
* A soft voice may be awfully persuasive.
* A truly rich life contains love and art in abundance.
* Advice is like kissing. It costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do.
* Advice, when most needed, is least heeded.
* All the effort you are making will ultimately pay off.
* All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
* All will go well with your new project.
* All your hard work will soon pay off.
* An inch of time is an inch of gold.
* Beauty in its various forms appeals to you.
* Because you demand more from yourself, others respect you deeply.
* Carve your name on your heart and not on marble.
* Change is happening in your life, so go with the flow!
* Competence like yours is underrated.
* Congratulations! You are on your way.
* Courtesy begins in the home.
* Curiosity kills boredom. Nothing can kill curiosity.
* Dedicate yourself with a calm mind to the task at hand.
* Determination is what you need now.
* Disbelief destroys the magic.
* Distance yourself from the vain.
* Do not be intimidated by the eloquence of others.
* Do not make extra work for yourself.
* Don't confuse recklessness with confidence.
* Don't just think, act!
* Don't worry; prosperity will knock on your door soon.
* Each day, compel yourself to do something you would rather not do.
* Education is the ability to meet life's situations.
* Emulate what you admire in your parents.
* Emulate what you respect in your friends.
* Every flower blooms in its own sweet time.
* Failure is the chance to do better next time.
* Fortune Not Found: Abort, Retry, Ignore?
* From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
* Get your mind set... Confidence will lead you on.
* Good news will be brought to you by mail.
* Good news will come to you by mail.
* Good to begin well, better to end well.
* Go take a rest; you deserve it.
* Happiness begins with facing life with a smile and a wink.
* Happiness will bring you good luck.
* He who expects no gratitude shall never be disappointed.
* He who knows he has enough is rich.
* How you look depends on where you go.
* If a true sense of value is to be yours it must come through service.
* If certainty were truth, we would never be wrong.
* If you look in the right places, you can find some good offerings.
* If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
* If your desires are not to extravagant they will be granted.
* In order to take, one must first give.
* In the end all things will be known.
* It is better to deal with problems before they arise.
* It is honorable to stand up for what is right, however unpopular it seems.
* It is worth reviewing some old lessons.
* It takes courage to admit fault.
* Let the world be filled with tranquility and goodwill.
* Living with a commitment to excellence shall take you far.
* Love is like sweet medicine, good to the last drop.
* Love truth, but pardon error.
* Man is born to live and not prepared to live.
* Many will travel to hear you speak.
* Meditation with an old enemy is advised.
* Miles are covered one step at a time.
* Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians.
* New ideas could be profitable.
* Now is a good time to buy stock.
* Now is the time to go ahead and pursue that love interest!
* Others can help you now.
* Pennies from heaven find their way to your doorstep this year!
* Please visit us at www. wontonfood.com
* Protective measures will prevent costly disasters.
* Rest has a peaceful effect on your physical and emotional health.
* Resting well is as important as working hard.
* Romance moves you in a new direction.
* Savor your freedom -- it is precious.
* Say hello to others. You will have a happier day.
* Self-knowledge is a life long process.
* Sloth makes all things difficult; industry all easy.
* Small confidences mark the onset of a friendship.
* Someone you care about seeks reconciliation.
* Stand tall. Don't look down upon yourself.
* Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.
* Take care and sensitivity you show towards others will return to you.
* Take the high road.
* The harder you work, the luckier you get.
* The only people who never fail are those who never try.
* The person who will not stand for something will fall for anything.
* The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
* The secret to good friends is no secret to you.
* The smart thing to do is to begin trusting your intuitions.
* The strong person understands how to withstand substantial loss.
* The truly generous share, even with the undeserving.
* The value lies not within any particular thing, but in the desire placed on that thing.
* There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.
* There is no wisdom greater than kindness.
* There is not greater pleasure than seeing your lived (sic) ones prosper.
* There's no such thing as an ordinary cat.
* Those who care will make the effort.
* Time and patience are called for many surprises await you!. (sic)
* To know oneself, one should assert oneself.
* Use your eloquence where it will do the most good.
* "Welcome" is a powerful word.
* Well done is better than well said.
* When your heart is pure, your mind is clear.
* What's hidden in an empty box?
* You are almost there.
* You are a person of another time.
* You are a talented storyteller.
* You are going to have some new clothes.
* You are in good hands this evening.
* You are never selfish with your advice or your help.
* You are next in line for promotion in your firm.
* You are open-minded and quick to make new friends.
* You are solid and dependable.
* You are very expressive and positive in words, act and feeling.
* You begin to appreciate how important it is to share your personal beliefs.
* You desire recognition and you will find it.
* You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
* You have a shrewd knack for spotting insincerity.
* You have an active mind and a keen imagination.
* You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
* You have exceeded what was expected.
* You have the power to write your own fortune.
* You have yearning for perfection.
* You love chinese food.
* You make people realize that there exist other beauties in the world.
* You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
* You seek to shield those you love and like the role of provider.
* You should be able to undertake and complete anything.
* You understand how to have fun with others and to enjoy your solitude.
* You will always be surrounded by true friends.
* You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
* You will be a great success both in the business world and society.
* You will be successful in your work.
* You will be unusually successful in business.
* You will become a great philanthropist in your later years.
* You will enjoy good health; you will be surrounded by luxury.
* You will find great contentment in the daily, routine activities.
* You will have gold pieces by the bushel.
* You will inherit a large sum of money.
* You will soon be surrounded by good friends and laughter.
* Your abilities are unparalleled.
* Your ability is appreciated.
* Your biggest virtue is your modesty.
* Your difficulties will strengthen you.
* Your dreams are never silly; depend on them to guide you.
* Your dreams are worth your best efforts to achieve them.
* Your energy returns and you get things done.
* Your first love has never forgotten you.
* Your heart will always make itself known through your words.
* Your home is the center of great love.
* Your ideals are well within your reach.
* Your leadership qualities will be tested and proven.
* Your life will be happy and peaceful.
* Your life will get more and more exciting.
* Your love of music will be an important part of your life.
* Your mind is your greatest asset.
* Your success will astonish everyone.
* Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
* Your quick wits will get you out of a tough situation.
* Your work interests can capture the highest status or prestige.
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading
8 inch (or 200 mm) drives disappeared in the mid to late 80's. 3.5 inch (89 mm) drives were pretty much gone by 2000. This puts these words of wisdom in pretty much the same boat as those that complained about the coffee cup holder that kept retracting into the front of the computer and spilling the coffee.
Also there were those who could not find a key marked "Any Key" when told to press it.
those that complained about pressing the foot pedal didn't speed up the computer.
That redneck vacation joke is a classic, but still a good one. LOL Thanks!
A government employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold drink!"
He gets it and states his second wish.
"I wish to be on a beautiful island."
Suddenly he is on an island. He tells the genie
his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife,
“What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“I’d take half and leave you,” she says.
“Great” he says. “Here's $6.
I won $12 yesterday!
Stay in touch”.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to dis a brie?
You can eat all mushrooms.
Some you can only do, once.
What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ron has been missing since Friday.
Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship.
He was a good Crimson Tide running back, but a poor student. Come graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the graduating students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway.
They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and the graduating students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."
If you can answer this question.
"Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama graduating students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
After their big playoff game loss against the Kings, their goalie Lundquist got so depressed he jumped right in front of a bus...
Not surprisingly, it went right between his legs.
He said:-My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
-It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
-Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
-A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
-A hooker once told me she had a headache.
-I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. ..
-If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
-I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
-My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
-I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
-The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
-My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
-I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.
-My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
-My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
-My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
-It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
-I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
-I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
-I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
-I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
-When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
-I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
-I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
-Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
-My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
-I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
-I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said..."Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
-I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
-With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
-Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
-One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.
-My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
I really like this one - too true ...
but I liked it.
....to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her
12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 lite year.
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)
They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them.
They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him"!
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts - "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"
The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!"
You can eat all mushrooms.
Some you can only do, once.
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Mike Weir drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote town. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"How's she cuttin' bye" (boy) says the attendant. Mike nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose tings?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Mike.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Mike.
"FookMe", says the Newfoundlander, "Dat new Ford tinks of everyting! "
Avoid bickering or arguing for sport. POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate. Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians.
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
( HERE IT COMES!!!)
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
A conversation between two friends.
Tom: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Fred: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Tom: What’s a GPS override?
Fred: My wife.
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
And the moral of the story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there
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