Factory Joke Thread – May 2014

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home,
so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ???Why such a price difference for the Politicians????

The cook replied, ???Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.???

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It
looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Good One!!!

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Lola - Salina, KS

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, you don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ... inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion .... Marion "
.
"Is that you, Bob?"
.
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
.
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
.
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
.
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
.
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.

In Just 20 Seconds, You’re About To Completely Change Your Entire View On Pretty Much Everything.

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift. Don’t believe me?

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

85 success dreaming when you had sex

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

haha

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Good One!!

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
.
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina."

Oh man, I can't wait until I tell this to my golf buddies ... all of whom would consider hopping around a golf course for eternity a wonderful thing.

Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

posted this one on the 3rd.

I've seen this one several times but have to laugh every time I see it ...

HP: Hot Pursuit

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MAC: Most Absurd Computer

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

WIN: Worm Infestation Netware

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Sanity in Retirement

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favorite.

10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out:
"THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE"

Cute

This is not a joke (unless you voted for him)
A hearing on Guam. I cannot believe he said this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs23CjIWMgA

"How many times do you think I've heard that story?" asked the policeman who pulled me over today.

"I'm not sure, but let me finish," I said, "So then Goldilocks sits down on the little chair............"
Like ·

It was during WWII and soldiers were allowed to send home one letter a week.
The GIs were told they could not disclose where they were for it might aid the enemy.
　　One soldier from Tennessee figured out how to tell his father where he was without mentioning places.
　　His first letter home read in part, “Dear Dad. I can’t tell you where I am but last night I danced with a hula girl.’
　　His second letter began, “Dear Dad, I still can’t tell you where I am but I shot a Kodiak bear.”
　　His third letter home began, “Dear Dad, I still can’t tell you where I am but the doctor told me I should have shot the hula girl and danced with the bear.”

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Now, having ordered and received his meal, the cannibal took a bite and called the waiter over again, complaining, "This clown tastes funny!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

My second wish would be the same!

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the
largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we
know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg
and sank.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of
course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu ..

After the stopover a crusty old Chief Petty Officer boarded and, as fate would have it, he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken.

The Flight Attendant asked the CPO if he wanted a drink? The CPO asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The ole Chief then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

When companies ship styrofoam what do they pack it in?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do we label underwear as a pair?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why do firehouses have Dalmatians?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?

Why do scars never go away?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do old women die their hair blue?

Is laughing stock cattle with a sense of humor?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do tugboats push their barges?

Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?

How can someone walk up hill both ways through 32 feet of snow?

What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

What is the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?

If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat?'

If a cow laughed would milk come out its nose?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just seem longer?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a parsley farmer is sued can he garnish his wages?

If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on your headlights?

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's law, will something go wrong?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Are people born stupid or do they have to work at it?

How did a fool and his money get together?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

How can someone draw a blank?

Do toilet seats really protect us from anything?

Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

If someone with multiple personalities robs a bank, who is charged with the crime?

Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

How can there be self-help groups?

If the land is free, why is someone always trying to sell me something?

Why are movie theatres always so cold?

If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street?

Why do we pay tolls on the freeway?

Why do banks charge you a "non sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Do you think the Assassination Museum was created after JFK's assassination?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why is a black light not black?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar but when a jar is open isn't not adoor?

Why do they call a pear a pear if there is only one?

Why is it called a Caesar's salad? Did he invent it?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing -eye sled dogs?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?

If you're born again do you have two belly buttons?

Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved can it?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

How does the guy who runs the snowplow get to work in the morning?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

How much money, in pennies, is lying on the streets of the world?

Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?

Why does the Indiana driver's license include in its list of possible restrictions "B" for "Blind"?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Why is it called a football when you really don't use your feet at all?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How does Elmo hear? Elmo has no ears?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Why is there only ONE monopolies commission?

Why is an orange an orange but an apple not a red?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Is the glass half full or half empty?

If you set to work with a knife that will cut through anything and Tupperware that's guaranteed not to break, what happens?

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do people look up when they think?

Why do we tie shoes to the back of newlywed's cars?

Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

What are preparations A-G?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

Do infants have as much fun in the infancy as adults do in their adultery?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

Why do doughnuts have holes?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it become cat litter?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?

Why are cows milked from the right side?

Why is it called a building when it's already built?

Why isn't phonic spelled the way it sounds?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile?

Why did God give men nipples?

Isn't Big Kid an oxymoron?

If trailer parks didn't exist would tornadoes exist?

Why do they call them straight jackets when they are never straight?

Why do we have to dry raincoats?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do you have a hot water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?

Just before someone gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomachs?

Does chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?

Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do we itch?

Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone doesn't work?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?

How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?

Why are most homes white?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding what is it expanding into?

Why don't we get goosebumps on our face?

Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it BEGINS ringing?

Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?

Why is jack a nickname for John?

Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Will wearing short sleeve shirts show your support for the right to bare arms?

Why do some ranchers put old boots on fence posts?

Where do they get that awful music for ice-skating?

If a person kills their clone is it murder or suicide?

Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

How does one actually zip their lip?

When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

When sign makers go on strike is there anything written on their signs?

Why are toilet flush handles on the left side?

Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?

How does Kraft get the 5 ounces into every slice of American Singles?

How come Superman can stop bullets with his chest but he always ducks when someone throws a gun at him?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why is it that when you see someone in a cast or a brace you say ouch?

If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

Was the only reason God gave us a shin is to find things in the dark?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Where are the germs that cause good breath?

Why does unscented hairspray smell?

What is Mother Goose's real first name?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?

Why does the minute hand on school clocks always click backward before advancing?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why do your feet swell on airplanes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?

Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

How come you never hear about grunted employees?

Why don't more psychics win the lottery?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages?

What causes the holes in Swiss cheese?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn't it be called a near hit?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?

Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit?

If you can't drink and drive why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you don't repair your brakes right away should you make your horn louder?

How many turtles does it take to make one can of turtle wax?

Why are jeans so hard to fit into?

What do little birdies see if they get knocked unconscious?

Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they call it the department of interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is yawning contagious?

Why do we sing Take Me Out To the Ball Game if we are already there?

Why do we but a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

If taught, do gorillas really understand sign language?

Why is toilet paper scented?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't penguins in Antarctica ever get frostbite?

Do boxer shorts box?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why does soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or in a can?

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for hugs?

Where does the lost sock in the washer and dryer go?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?

Where do swear words come from?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How do they get the cream in the Twinkie?

Why do corn flakes and Sugar frosted flakes have the save number of calories per serving?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

Why are elections held on Tuesdays?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

Do little angels have car seats in their chariots in heaven?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why are school buses painted yellow?

Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If WalMart is lowering prices daily, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?

How can there be multiple Final Fantasies?

Why are the songs that get stuck in my head always little kid songs?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

If you're an atheist and swear on the bible, have you committed perjury?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?

When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?

Why is Greenland white?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is it when you get from here to there, you're still here and not there?

If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Why does belly button lint not match your shirt color?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If a penny costs 2.3 cents to make, why is it still only worth a penny?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do they get the ship in the bottle?

Where do all the missing socks go?

Why are a goose and his wife called geese, but a moose and his wife aren't called meese?

How come the idiot is always in charge?

In the wintertime, why don't entire clouds freeze and fall to the ground?

What is the definition of "is"?

If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

If air travel is so safe, why do they call it a "terminal"?

If Cheese is made of milk why is it yellow?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Why are aliens always green?

If yesterday was today, then wouldn't today be yesterday?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is atheism a non-prophet organization?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask You a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same Stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

The Microsoft acronym is very clever indeed!

Good One!!!

The little girl and the atheist joke is a good one! LOL

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said.."All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago..." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

I think I knew that crusty old CPO ...

I think I might be that Grandpa!

lol cute

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

I used to have a fear of boats, but that ship has sailed.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

Why Ethel Changed Motels ........
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.He had all the right muscles in all the right places.She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.I'll give him a call."Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."