Factory Joke Thread – September 2013

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Good one.

Two Pakistani women were talking about their experiences since arriving in the UK.

They had both arrived on the same plane and were anxious to catch up on gossip.

The first one said ‘I know we have only been in this country for 7 months but they make me feel so at home and relaxed. I seem to fit right in. The food. The shops. The language. It’s great.’

The second replied ‘ Yes, I agree. Only 7 months and I speak the Polish fluently.’

An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out “Number 47!”, and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out “Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.

The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, “Well, it’s like this – these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it’s a funny one they will laugh.”

The Aussie thought he’d give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted “Number 88!” and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.

The Aussie said to the barman, “So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?” And the barman said, “Well, there are two reasons–firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before.”

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

(The officer walked away in tears, laughing)

A terrific explosion occurred in a gunpowder factory. Once all the mess had been cleared up an official investigation began as to why it happened.

One of the few survivors was asked to make a statement. “OK Simpson,” said the investigator... “You were near the scene, so what happened”

“Well... it’s like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”

“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator asked in stunned horror. “How long had he been with the company?”

“About 20 years sir,” was Simpson's reply.

“20 years in the company... and then he goes and lit a match in the mixing room ?

I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”

“You're quite right sir. It was!”

Nuvi1300WTGPS

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately,my smart phone batt. was dead it was raining so I couldn't golf!

So I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like such a nice person.

Job Interview

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a s#!+ what you think."

Thanks for the chuckle.

--Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
--He sold his soul to Santa.

Now that's a good one ...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is not local, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The guy parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Congress", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the guy, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know shit about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FRIENDS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH WASHINGTON!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, is that how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at church.
Husband waiting at the altar.
Walked up the aisle.
Kissed him on the cheek, smiled.........
And closed the fucking lid.

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire
financial straits. She's desperate so she decides
to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the
lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm
going t o lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you
forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always
been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time
so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by
the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Durring a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Yabba Dabba booo

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names and... ... ...I can’t remember what the third thing is.

"An old man driving an old and beat up PINTO car as just broken down in a Narrow and desert Road " ....

Ummm.... keep your day job kid ....

　　The young man decides for his first date he will take the young lady to a fancy restaurant and then back to his place for a nightcap.
　　So at the restaurant, she looks at the menu and proceeds to order the most expensive appetizer, meal, dessert and wine on the menu. The she proceeds to eat it all as if she hasn’t had any food for a week.
　　After regaining his composure from almost choking over the cost the man asks, “Do you always eat this well at home?”
　　“No,” his date replied coyly, “But at home no one wants to take me to bed after diner.”

LOL!

Ha, the Old Man Interview joke was a good one. Thanks!

Clever joke!

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!”

A 17 year-old Dublin boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway.

On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long.

The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long.

On the third day, he was down to less than a mile.

Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day.

The boy replied, “I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day.”

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the lady. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule
stumbled.
“My husband quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.’”

So two penguins are sitting on an ice flow, and one turns to the other and says "Say, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo" and the second penguin says to him "How do you know I'm not?"

for the chuckle.

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...

I always enjoy a Monday morning chuckle ...

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get
into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

At a winery event, the regular taster died requiring the winery director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct again!" said the Wine Director.

A third glass...
"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.
"It's source is a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

Good One!!!