Factory Joke Thread – September 2013

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

Page 1>>

Irish golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, "the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers."I'm an internationally famous golfer now."He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you' reall right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states."When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Irish Golfer

Great joke! Can't wait to tell my co-workers.

--
an94

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

A Man Was Chosen For Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Brains

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding somethingSeizure............Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Apple Does It Again ...

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

--
Live every day like it's your last. Some day you'll be right - Benny Hill

Good One....

Thanks.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Apple Does It Again ...

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

I'm not very good at dwarf

I'm not very good at dwarf impressions ...hey ho!

Apple HAAA!!!

Smile of the week!!!

tick about this one

One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Made me giggle

Box Car wrote:

One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.

~Angela

I'm glad

GlobeTurtle wrote:
Box Car wrote:

One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.

Made me giggle
~Angela

as some would snort.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

The competion

An old man driving an old and beat up PINTO car as just broken down in a Narrow and desert Road he as been waiting for someone to pass by, 30 minutes as pass so far and he starting to worry ,is very Hot Humid he as no water and no phone. Suddenly He hear a very loud noise of a powerfull car engine coming toward him he stand in the middle of the road to be sure that the car will stop, He approach the driver of this Porche and the old man ask the driver if he could tow his car to a near repair shop about 4 miles down the road, The driver of the sport car felt sorry for the old man and offer to help,after grabbing a few rope and tight the broken car to his rear bumper ,he told the old man.if I go too fast for you just BLOW the horn and I will slow down. Just about a mile into the slow driving speed, Here it come another sport car this time is a Ferrari, and this driver he is getting very mad that he see a porche going a very slow speed,he does not see that the porche is towing the Pinto ,So after trying several time to pass both cars ,finaly he is able to do it but not before exstending his harm and lift his middle finger to the driver of the porche giving him the bird.This gesture cause the driver of the porche to get very upset and here it start the chase,The driver of the Pinto is blowing the HORN over and over he is scare but no one is listen.

They are about to reach the town and a group of old man are sitting on a bar drinking beer and smoking pipe,and they wonder what is going on.one of the old man think must be a car race competion, so all the others they ask him who is on first place.
and the old man answer is a FERRARI and the rest good good and who is on second place,The old man again is a Porche..and the rest very good and who is on Third place.and again the old man

HUM That"s a Pinto and the driver seems very piss matter of fact he is blowing the HORN I am sure he is telling the other 2 in front GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY BOTH OF YOU AND LET ME PASS..

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

programming contest

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?!”

God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

An oldie...

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley ."

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two ass-holes." "What! He had two ass-holes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes."

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Yes, she is blonde

We laugh - BUT her password is safe!

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

The Mother-in-law

The mother-in-law dropped in unannounced after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't get your email."

Re: Yes, She Is Blonde

drtrask wrote:

We laugh - BUT her password is safe!

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

I know a real one...and I thank God she's NOT my spouse! 8-o

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

Hmmm

>>she didn't get your email.

Well, no wonder .... and I wonder if that's why my wife often tells me she didn't get my email???? Of course, always a simple explaination.

--
Garmin 205, 260W, 1450LMT, 2460LMT, HEREwego for iPhone ... all still mapping strong.

Hmmm

Of course, maybe I forget to send her emails.

--
Garmin 205, 260W, 1450LMT, 2460LMT, HEREwego for iPhone ... all still mapping strong.

Who says that engineers are boring?

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M
duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the
"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go
another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the
newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue
M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that
is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier,
or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but
on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of
the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it
neatly in an envelope and send it to

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.

Quick Puns

“What’s wrong with you, Shawn? You’ve spilled a drink on not just one, but four bobsledders.”
Everything would have been fine if they’d just stood still.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because this lodge is furnished with valuable antiques, the barkeep made me promise to set my glass on a coaster.”

“I’m bored, Watson. I need something to investigate. Did anything of more than casual interest arrive in the post?”
“There’s a letter from Inland Revenue. They’re going to audit your tax return.”
“Why would they?”
“I’m a doctor, Holmes, not an accountant. My guess is you made too many deductions.”

Tom retired to Florida to play hopeless golf with wife Trish marking his scorecard.In the Christmas tournament .
Tom swung and missed.
He swung again and the ball smacked into a tree then bounced back into the hole.
“What was that?” queried Trish.
“A par, Trish, and a pear tree.”

For their first date

For their first date, the young man selected a fancy restaurant. During the meal he continually regaled his date with stories of his accomplishments, hardly allowing the women an opportunity to speak. Finally he said “When I decide to marry, I will make many women miserable.” To which his date replied “Oh, how many women do you plan to marry?”

So True

So True

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Brief News

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Question...

If I like Picasso and Mexican food, does that make me 'artsy fartsy'?

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Hey! He's just a man...

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck then slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. ... Then, he proceeded up her thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side then suddenly stopped, rolled over, and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Little Johnny and cats

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a cat!!!

Pretty Romantic Mood

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Redneck Driving Applications

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your

major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you

are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Smart Lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Puns ...

Gush wrote:

Tom retired to Florida to play hopeless golf with wife Trish marking his scorecard.In the Christmas tournament .
Tom swung and missed.
He swung again and the ball smacked into a tree then bounced back into the hole.
“What was that?” queried Trish.
“A par, Trish, and a pear tree.”

Groan ... wink

--
Nuvi 2460

The reunion

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Muscian Arrives at Pearly Gates

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

Some Cops Have a Way With Words...

I can't verify the following, but they are good.

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "So--You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write any speed I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning!? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.

……………...Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair!? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in pig crap."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So--does this mean you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

I watched the Indy 500...

I watched the Indy 500...

and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t need to go so fast.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Now, how about that drink?

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

This One,

I liked.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Brain Quiz - Easy...

FIRST QUESTION
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE, YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE...?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE...
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 ... NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER...

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ?

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Share with the smart people in your life...

If I win the lottery...

Bubba and Leroy were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck loaded with rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that there when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Leroy.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

How many F's? FINISHED FILES

How many F's?

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Absolutely amazing!

6

jpac wrote:

How many F's?

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

I counted 6, 7 if you count the one in the question..

Excellent, not many get all

Printer

I was recently printing out some reports when suddenly I started to hear music.
Now, I know I hadn't turned on the TV or the radio so I was momentarily puzzled.
It quickly dawned on me the music was coming from the printer.
The paper must have been jamming again.

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