This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Frequently Asked Questions
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna
on the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing
games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
Nothing like a hard left turn at the end.
that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!' Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth and don’t let this happen to you in YEARS to come.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Lenz,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Lenz, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 11: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 13: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No" I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No" I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now" she said "have you ever seen 4,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No" I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a look in the garage".
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Just wanna say thanks for posting these and keep on posting them. they have made my day!
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
This one is great!
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".
" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating"
" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"
" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "
"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
" I used a different rooster " the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said:"What a coincidence"
Little Johnny and his family were having a Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th!
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate the lift up anyway.'
That joke is inappropriate on multiple levels but LOL funny in spite of (or because of) that!
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.
Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws?
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath. Funny blonde jokes...
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Good Dumb Blonde jokes...
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A. They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A. The blonde works in the dark!
Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.
Q. What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. What do Blondes say after sex?
A1. Thanks Guys.
A2. Are you boys all in the same band?
A3. Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A. Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q. Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the W's.
Q. How do blond brain cells die?
Q. Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician. They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one?
A. The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed.
Q. How do you get a blond out of a tree?
Q. What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A. They both have black roots.
Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. What, what?
Q. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when they're fucked.
Q. How would a blond punctuate the following?. "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q. Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. It swells at night.
Q. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A. The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
10 - You Can Trade In An Old 44 For A New 22, No Questions Asked.
9 - You Can Keep One Handgun At Home, And Have Another For When You're
On The Road.
8 - If You Admire A Friend's Handgun And Tell Him So, He Will Probably Let You Try It Out A Few Times.
7 - Your Primary Handgun Doesn't Mind If You Keep Another Handgun For A Back Up.
6 - Your Handgun Will Stay With You Even If You Run Out Of Ammo.
5 - A Handgun Doesn't Take Up A Lot Of Closet Space.
4 - Handguns Function Normally Every Day Of The Month.
3 - A Handgun Doesn't Ask, "Do These New Grips Make Me Look Fat?"
2 - A Handgun Doesn't Mind If You Go To Sleep After You Use It.
1 - You Can Buy A Silencer For A Handgun.
... who turned bobkz on?
(lot of good ones there)
I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.
If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.
Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it'll always get you the RIGHT ONES.
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I'm so bright my mother calls me son.
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What fits your schedule better......Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?
Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
A butcher goes on a first date and says 'It was nice meating you'
2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that's Ludacris
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
I moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......that way people visit more often."
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
A: "With a bee bee gun."
Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where’s Popcorn?"
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: the alpha bet
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot."
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a bogey in it.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: a Roman Catholic
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: What did Delaware?
A: a New Jersey
Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you call a window that raps?
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
A: Depeche a la Mode.
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!
Q: What runs but can't walk?
A: The faucet!
Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What's taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.
Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: a cereal killer.
Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: a rectangle
Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.
Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.
Q: What the difference between you and a calendar?
A: a calendar has dates.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
A: Bridge over troubled water.
Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
A: He was booed off stage.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.
Q: Why are chefs so mean?
A: They beat eggs and whip cream.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off?
A: He's all right now.
Q: Did you hear about the paper boy?
A: He blew away
Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: Yeah, it was in’tents’.
Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
A: Their making headlines...
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow.
Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell
Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!
Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around
When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?
A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
C'Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” asks the snake. The bartender says, “Because you can’t hold your liquor…”
No thanks, but I would like a peanut instead!
Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking!
Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
Madam foot got caught in the door!
No, seriously, it's just me. I am telling a knock knock joke.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!
Oink oink who?
Make up your mind, are you a pig or an owl?!
If you do...
I got them....
You been talking to the elementary school again?
LOL... I wanted to give to everyone.. Clean ones, sumb ones, fun ones, adult ones.. One for everyone..
A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breast.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
That joke is inappropriate on multiple levels but LOL funny in spite of (or because of) that!
Living within driving distance of the Del Mar race track, and seeing the jockey's before they mount their horses...it could happen ya' know!
A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God,
if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in
the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously
shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "GOD WAS BUSY; HE SENT ME!"
This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he
shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for
this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks,
"That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.
So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came
home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter
says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.
A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger
and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.
A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
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