Factory Joke Thread – April 2013

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

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Priorities

John entered the Georgia Dome with his buddy, really pumped to be there for his first Final Four, on the 25th row near midcourt. Just as the game was about to start, another guy slid by them and sat two seats away from John, leaving the seat between them free. "Huh," thought John, "I wonder where the other ticketholder is. Maybe in line for concessions."

But as the game went on, nobody came in to claim the seat. "That's really odd," whispered John to his buddy. That seat's worth serious money." Finally at halftime, John's curiosity got the better of him, and he turned to the guy two seats away and said, "Pardon me. I couldn't help but notice this great unused midcourt ticket. Do you know if this person will be joining us later?"

And the guy turned to him and sighed sadly and said, "No, I'm afraid not. That was going to be my wife's seat. We bought our tickets a couple of months ago, but she passed away..." and his voice trailed off.

Now John felt terrible. He said, "I'm so sorry, that's a shame. I'm sure she would have loved to be here with you. And no friend or family member would come with you to the Final Four?"

The guy snorted as he nodded and said, "I know... right?! They're all at the funeral!"

--
JMoo On

Choose your friends carefully!

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

HOW IS NORMA?

This is true !!

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,

"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

A PUSH

This guys in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning.
He thinks about getting the door for a moment and rolls back over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this guy is standing outside.

"Hey," says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, go to hell! It's half past three. I was in bed sound asleep," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, you are such a twat!! Remember that night we broke down in the
pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to go to hell? You should be ashamed!!"

So after that tongue-lashing, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere he shouts, "Hey fella, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, man."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The guy replies, "I'm over here on the swings!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

ELDERLY NEWLYWEDS

There's this couple. He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over
on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She giggles, "Honey, what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."

He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

HOW IS NORMA?

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes' , he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?'

--
nuvi 855. Life is not fair. I don't care who told you it is.

How To Calm A Man Down

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, I think I'd throw up.."

Levels of Stress.

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints and you bring her to the next hospital.

Now, that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a new father.
You say that you are not the Father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful.

So then....you request a DNA test to proof that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relived.

On the way home you think about your three kids.

Now, that is stress!

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

A Scottish Soldier...

in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

A Scottish Soldier...

Thanks! I love this one.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Mother in law...

...comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?"

"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Yvonne, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Yvonne would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation..." "Yvonne didn't receive your Email."

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

I thought you would....

I did too! Here's another for you.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Naval wine taster...

At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old Chief tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.” “That’s correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.” “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” “Absolutely correct. A third glass.” ‘‘It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,’’ calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The old Navy Chief tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

I thought you would....

You were right, I did like it. One I never heard before! Please keep them coming.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

TRADITIONAL OR CONTEMPORARY?

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service,
they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to
keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh ... Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

CHIVALRY

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.

Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.

"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Food

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Ha!

I wonder if it works for kids too!

An old man with his

An old man with his beautiful young pregnant wife go to the doctor. The old man asks the doctor,"Do you think I can do it again?" The doctor answers "Why, do you think you did it this time?"

Male Logic:

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

I'm sure you're going back to read this again.

The Church and the Cathouse

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply. At the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case... it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all a crock!"

The American Medical Association ..

...has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a bad gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetriciansfelt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" ThePsychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeonsdecided to cut the whole thing out and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a an ugle face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step backwards and the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was just bad gas, and those lofty Cardiologists said it was heartless. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Get ready for this one..."Little Johnny"...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:

'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:

'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the

word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a

moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

You May Be An Engineer.... Part 2

If you window shop at Radio Shack.

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run.

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

nice

bpaine wrote:

This is true !!

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,

"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

This one is awesome wink

--
Garmin Nuvi 255W

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

THE SKELETON

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not
be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should
call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

Great joke,well done!

--
an94

AMA

Original and good

--
nuvi 855. Life is not fair. I don't care who told you it is.

A blonde walks into the police dept....

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The interviewing officer asks her a few basic questions...

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummm...4!

Officer: Good. What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm...10!

Officer: Great! Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: I don't know...

Officer: Well go home and think about it and report back tomorrow.

The blonde leaves and calls up one of her friends who asks if she got the job.

The blonde says excitedly...

"not only did I get the job, I'm working on a murder case!"

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

An atheist...

was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little
girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

"We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for, I don't know."
~ W. H. Auden

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

An atheist...

Thanks, you keep posting good ones.
Keep it up!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman goes into Cabela's...

to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark
glasses.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anythingabout this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says....

"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly,a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared at their table
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! 2 tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all veryromantic,but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

Error!.So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies
are female.....

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

BLONDE NUN

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the
benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports
me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the
minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A BLONDE EMERGENCY

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

DECEIVED

Blonde Mary was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did
encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. "The wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"

"Well, yes," acknowledged Mary with a sniff, "but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How's that?"

"Mr. Evans deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, "He told the motel clerk I was his wife."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Great One

Timantide wrote:

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

This one is great! smile

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

The American Medical Association ..

hoo hoo. That's a good one!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Good One....

Thanks.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Blonde Emergency ...

smile smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Meanwhile in Newfoundland

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

The Newfie had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It is a police officer. “What's going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I'm making love to me wife,” the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry,” says the cop, “I didn't know.”

“Well, neidder did I, `til ya shined that light in `er face.”

Hospital Hit Parade

"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"It;s Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"Yes, We Have No Pajamas"
"Glove Me Tender
"Stitchcraft"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"The Pill Is Gone"
"Old Man's Liver"
"Mammaries Are Made of This"
"Try To Dismember"
"That Old Gangrene of Mine"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"On the Road to Mend and Lay"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"Lay That Hupo Down, Babe"
"Secondhand Nose"
"You're Nobody Until Somebody Gloves You:
"Thanks For the Mammaries"
"Call Me Unresponsive"
"MRI Blue?"
"Let's Cut the Whole Thing Off"
"Some Implanted Evening"
"Blame It on My Tooth"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"Merci, Docs"
"You Broke Your Promise But I'll Get a Lung"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

JUST A SQUEEZE OF LEMON

At a cocktail party, a man gets totally plastered, goes up to the host and says, "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?" in a slurred voice.

"I beg your pardon?" says the host.

The drunk asks again: "Do lemons have feathers?" as he struggles to hold his balance.

A rather bemused host says, "No, I don't think so."

The drunk looks sheepish then says: "Oopsie."

"What?" asks the host.

And the drunk: "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

CARS

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other
two.

"Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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