Factory Joke Thread – April 2013

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

<<Page 3>>

The Sermon

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Pun of the day

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your
ideas, and I'll start a design". "Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors" "I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in."
"Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah.
"Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"

"Carp, and plenty of them", Noah said. "Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they went through various items such as the colour, doors,
windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark', God
asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?" "Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Give her a chance

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "that’s not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance!"

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.

Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Loved it

Just attended a couple of family weddings. Used this as part of a toast.

Timantide wrote:

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service,
they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to
keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh ... Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

--
Garmin 205, 260W, 1450LMT, 2460LMT, HEREwego for iPhone ... all still mapping strong.

You May Be An Engineer.... Part 4

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind.

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
where they are.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

and a pretty poor one

JebNY wrote:

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

if you are trying to find a Circuit City store.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Blonde State of Mind

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Car wreck

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,

"Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says,

"And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Is this your dog that my dog killed ?

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks,

"Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?

The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters, "It's mine old timer? What's it to you?"

"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.

"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy.

"It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man.

"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief,

"No dog could beat my Brutus."

"It's true, my Gunther killed him."

"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?"

"A Chihuahua," answered the old man.

"There is no way that a measly little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way."

"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man,

"It looks he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Please share this news around you

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good answers

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

The true story of Noah's Ark

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,

"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping...And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.

So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.

So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.

And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Insurance sales pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries."

"If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

A future coroner ?

A pupil told his kindergarten teacher that he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was a live or dead.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" She asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did what?" Squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. The frog didn't move."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Medical error

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

New treatment

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Husband Shopping Center

There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. So, the girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go.

Second floor: Says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking"

Hmmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

WOW! say the women.

Fourth Floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up! So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor: The sign on the door said

"This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

The base of a strong relationship

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,

"Can you tell me your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered...

"Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Requiem

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

The Hair Dryer & The Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

The Priest answered, "Of course child, what may I do for you?"

She continued, "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?

The Priest responded, "I would love to help you dear, but I must warn you; I will not lie."

The young woman said, "With your honest face Father, no one will question you.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

The Priest answered, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

The Priest smiled and replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date, unused!"

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Please proceed, Father. Next!"

The Blond & the horse

A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your
knee!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Seasick

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
world?"

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Oldie but cute...

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Oldie but cute...

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

11 minutes

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

11 minutes

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

Re: Seasick

Touche! wink

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

Six Basic Rules for Good Health

Six Basic Rules for Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

SO, REMEMBER ...

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul,
And may the Good Lord cleanse your FILTHY Mind!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

You have to love us NRA members!!!!!!!!!!!

You have to love us NRA members!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous brunette was filling up her car at the next pump.She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Old Timer's Hospital Stay

Old Timer's Hospital Stay

This is an idea for when they put us in "the Home!"

I was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,

'And how are we doing this morning',

Or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry ?'

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bed side stand.

Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went !

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted..........
I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Bidding on a fence for the White House

Bidding on a fence for the White House

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Montana . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Two little old ladies sitting on a park bench

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said,

'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10 bill.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'

Good one

Good one

--
Kingston, Tennessee

11 Minutes ...

Hah! That's a good one ... smile

--
Nuvi 2460

The light turned yellow...

just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Priceless.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Talking Dog

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Old guys

I went to the Senior Center today to take the Health & Safety Course. I failed the test. One of the questions was,

Quote:

In case of fire, what steps would you take?

I wrote down, "Fu**ing big ones"
I guess that wasn't the answer they wanted.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea , and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE:

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at
2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and Said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't Know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
The mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde
Hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a Redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her Purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
Capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of Them.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: 'W'.

FIFTH DEGREE:

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE:

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a university
Freshman, sat in her class on US government. The professor asked Bambi if
She knew what the Supreme Court decision 'Roe vs. Wade' was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware river'.

SEVENTH DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
At once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
Radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and His dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for Help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Trapped Within A Bog

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

it`s Time To Shear The Flock (It must e Wales)

The bitter winter was almost over when one shepherd confessed to the other that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flock. The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands togather in anticipation.

"It will be great selling the wool and spending money on wine and women, eh?"

"That's not it," his friend said. "I just can't WAIT to see them naked

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Why Did You Shoot Your Wife?

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Little Old Lady

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know
how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all
hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Goodby Grandpa

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened toher prayers which ended by saying, " God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing todo." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayerswhich went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at thecrack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safein the office,so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,drinking coffee,looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finallymidnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's thematter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of mylife." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happenedto me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Morris

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

You May Be An Engineer.... Part 5

If you have more toys than your kids.

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

Thanks

thanks for the jokes

Minnesota Humor...

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later an Iowan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian 'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

BAR RIDDLE

A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota . While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner ... 'Look,' he said, 'let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?' 'Ya, dat sounds purty good,' said the Swede. The Indian said, 'My father and my mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?' The Swede scratched his head and finally said, 'I give up. Who vas it?' 'It was ME,' chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, 'Sven,' he said, 'I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?' 'Fair enough,' said Sven. Okay....my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't m y brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?' 'Search me, ' said Sven. 'I give up. Who vas it?' 'It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda.'

MUSIC SOLUTION

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vit a clarinet, she can't sing.

HONEYMOON TRIP

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."
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