Factory Joke Thread -October 2012

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

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One From Bette Midler

'I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election - erection - election - erection
- - - either way we're going to get screwed!'
-- Bette Midler.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Hilarious Talk Show Caller

Hilarious YouTube video of a woman calling into a talk show complaining about Deer Crossing signs on the highway. Maybe we should put together a POI file? grin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8&feature=youtu.be

:)

jpac wrote:

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

It's all in your perspective ...

--
Nuvi 2460

Understanding Engineers

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Choices, Choices

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Parody Ad

Funny

GJannini wrote:

http://www.flutterby.com/images/2012/10/01/hf_tool_sale.pdf

I actually have a prototype of a 18v claw hammer.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Fax Funnies

Induhvidual: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine"?

DNRC member: "A little. What's wrong?"

Induhvidual: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,
and the same thing happened."

DNRC member: How did you load the sheet?"

Induhvidual: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else
to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open
it and read it."

Two old ladies meet

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A.a.a.d.d.-

I went to the Doctor yesterday and have been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I need to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I put my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table to take out the trash first. But then I say to myself, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I might as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find a bottle of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm about to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I wouldn't accidentally knock it over. I notice that the coke is getting warm, so I decide that I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. I head towards the kitchen with the coke. A vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they needed to be watered.

As I put the coke down on the counter, I notice my reading glasses which I decide I had better take them back to my desk, but first I must water the flowers. I put the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water when suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone had left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight, when we go to watch
TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to take it back to the TV room where it belongs, but first I must water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back down on the table, to get some towels to wipe up the Then I head down the hall trying to remember why I'm going that way and what I was planning to do.

Now, it's the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and now I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

(So now you know why some people buy viagra, but don't use it.)

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' ' Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

... I'm his Grandma ...

grin

--
Nuvi 2460

I've just been on a

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Taxes

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill

I'm his Grandma

tomkk wrote:

grin

+2

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

irish railway

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Where did you come from?

A guy was sitting across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this.
He whispered to the guy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The guy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The guy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.
In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the guy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam? With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

In the confessional.

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

--

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Respect

Respect your elders. Problem is it is getter harder and harder for me to find one.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Apt

JebNY wrote:

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be
guillotined.

Guillotine aside, as an engineer, I could see this happening.

.

Then, as I see it, you may be intelligent, but you aren't that smart... wink

Just sayin'.

--
nüvi 3790T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

10 Signs you are too old to trick-or-treat

10. You get winded from knocking on the door
9. You have someone else chew the candy for you
8. You ask for high fiber candy only
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
6. People say. “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask
5. When the door opens you yell “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest
4. By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live

The Drive-Thru McDonalds was

The Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...

once you've rented the car...

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Sandy Is On The Horizon, So..

keep those jokes coming for those of us who don't have much to laugh about at the moment.

--
RKF (Brookeville, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

gOTTA

>>"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we
tell them for Christmas?

Ha! Gotta remember this!

--
Garmin 205, 260W, 1450LMT, 2460LMT, HEREwego for iPhone ... all still mapping strong.

Smart A$$ - Love it!!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling rectums."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess
with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.

lol

good one

Three nuns

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in
Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

--

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An exhausted looking blond

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the
doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my
neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The hunting dog

Joe and Obie went hunting every year on opening day of duck season. This year, they decided to borrow a neighbor's retriever, a dog named Buck, so they wouldn't have to wade out after any birds that fell into the lake when they shot them.

They had good luck that day and bagged several plump ducks.
Whenever a duck fell into the water, either Joe or Obie would send Buck out after it. And each time the dog went after a downed duck, he would pause momentarily at the water's edge.

Then Buck would trot calmly across the surface of the lake to retrieve the bird without ever getting wet. This unusual performance always caused Joe and Obie to glance wide-eyed at each other and shake their heads in wonder.

At the end of the day, Joe and Obie drove back by way of the neighbor's home to return Buck and thank the retriever's owner for the loan.

"Did the dog do a good job?" asked its owner.

"Yes," said Joe, "he brought in all the ducks that fell into the lake."

"Great," said the dog's owner, "but did you notice anything special about Buck?"

"Well, we didn't want to mention it," said Obie, "but we saw that you taught him just about everything a dog needs to know about duck hunting, excepting how to swim."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Smart A$$ - Love It!!

Good one smile

--
Nuvi 2460

What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A handfull of sheet.

--
*Keith* MacBook Pro *wifi iPad(2012) w/BadElf GPS & iPhone6 + Navigon*

SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Georgie grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down, he said and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: "ID10T"
I used to like Georgie, that little $#!+ head.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780
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