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Factory Joke Thread - July 2012

 

this is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

~Angela

See also

--
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Somerset Maugham
Page 1>>

I'll start the month. For the Love of Guinness

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an
Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceed
to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three
flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck
in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his
beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of
his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing
had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his
drink, held it out over the beer and then started
yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Nun Runs Out of Gas

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity

Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a

block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and
quickly
walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline
so
that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The
attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it
to
someone else.

She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her
car
to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the
only
suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could
easily hold a quart of gas.

She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with

gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the
bedpan into her car.

Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to
the
other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Inner peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...

--
Jeff - Garmin 765T(2), 2300LM, GPSMap 76CSx The difference between genius and stupidity--Genius does not hurt.

Sunday Punny

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job.

Pastor Nelson offered Bill 500 dollars to buy paint and paint the church, so Bill went out, bought some paint and started in.

Bill discovered that he was using more paint than he had expected, so he added some thinner to the paint and it still covered, but not as well as it had at first.

He was still using more paint than he wanted to use, so he added still more thinner. At this point, the paint was way too thin cover well, yet Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed:

"Repaint and thin no more."

My sister wrote

Quote:

Oh boy!
Subject: Fw: My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Sometimes I wonder

When companies ship styrofoam what do they pack it in?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do we label underwear as a pair?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why do firehouses have Dalmatians?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?

Why do scars never go away?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do old women die their hair blue?

Is laughing stock cattle with a sense of humor?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do tugboats push their barges?

Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?

How can someone walk up hill both ways through 32 feet of snow?

What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

What is the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?

If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat?'

If a cow laughed would milk come out its nose?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just seem longer?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a parsley farmer is sued can he garnish his wages?

If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on your headlights?

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's law, will something go wrong?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Are people born stupid or do they have to work at it?

How did a fool and his money get together?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?
How can someone draw a blank?

Do toilet seats really protect us from anything?

Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

If someone with multiple personalities robs a bank, who is charged with the crime?

Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

How can there be self-help groups?

If the land is free, why is someone always trying to sell me something?

Why are movie theatres always so cold?

If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street?

Why do we pay tolls on the freeway?

Why do banks charge you a "non sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Do you think the Assassination Museum was created after JFK's assassination?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why is a black light not black?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar but when a jar is open isn't not adoor?

Why do they call a pear a pear if there is only one?

Why is it called a Caesar's salad? Did he invent it?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing -eye sled dogs?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?

If you're born again do you have two belly buttons?

Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved can it?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

How does the guy who runs the snowplow get to work in the morning?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

How much money, in pennies, is lying on the streets of the world?

Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?

Why does the Indiana driver's license include in its list of possible restrictions "B" for "Blind"?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Why is it called a football when you really don't use your feet at all?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How does Elmo hear? Elmo has no ears?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Why is there only ONE monopolies commission?

Why is an orange an orange but an apple not a red?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Is the glass half full or half empty?

If you set to work with a knife that will cut through anything and Tupperware that's guaranteed not to break, what happens?

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do people look up when they think?

Why do we tie shoes to the back of newlywed's cars?

Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

What are preparations A-G?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

Do infants have as much fun in the infancy as adults do in their adultery?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

Why do doughnuts have holes?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it become cat litter?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?

Why are cows milked from the right side?

Why is it called a building when it's already built?

Why isn't phonic spelled the way it sounds?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile?

Why did God give men nipples?

Isn't Big Kid an oxymoron?

If trailer parks didn't exist would tornadoes exist?

Why do they call them straight jackets when they are never straight?

Why do we have to dry raincoats?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do you have a hot water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?

Just before someone gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomachs?

Does chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?

Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do we itch?

Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone doesn't work?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?

How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?

Why are most homes white?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding what is it expanding into?

Why don't we get goosebumps on our face?

Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it BEGINS ringing?

Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?

Why is jack a nickname for John?

Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Will wearing short sleeve shirts show your support for the right to bare arms?

Why do some ranchers put old boots on fence posts?

Where do they get that awful music for ice-skating?

If a person kills their clone is it murder or suicide?

Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

How does one actually zip their lip?

When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

When sign makers go on strike is there anything written on their signs?

Why are toilet flush handles on the left side?

Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?

How does Kraft get the 5 ounces into every slice of American Singles?

How come Superman can stop bullets with his chest but he always ducks when someone throws a gun at him?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why is it that when you see someone in a cast or a brace you say ouch?

If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

Was the only reason God gave us a shin is to find things in the dark?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Where are the germs that cause good breath?

Why does unscented hairspray smell?

What is Mother Goose's real first name?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?

Why does the minute hand on school clocks always click backward before advancing?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why do your feet swell on airplanes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?

Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

How come you never hear about grunted employees?

Why don't more psychics win the lottery?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages?

What causes the holes in Swiss cheese?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn't it be called a near hit?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?

Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit?

If you can't drink and drive why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you don't repair your brakes right away should you make your horn louder?

How many turtles does it take to make one can of turtle wax?

Why are jeans so hard to fit into?

What do little birdies see if they get knocked unconscious?

Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they call it the department of interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is yawning contagious?

Why do we sing Take Me Out To the Ball Game if we are already there?

Why do we but a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

If taught, do gorillas really understand sign language?

Why is toilet paper scented?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't penguins in Antarctica ever get frostbite?

Do boxer shorts box?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why does soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or in a can?

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for hugs?

Where does the lost sock in the washer and dryer go?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?

Where do swear words come from?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How do they get the cream in the Twinkie?

Why do corn flakes and Sugar frosted flakes have the save number of calories per serving?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

Why are elections held on Tuesdays?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

Do little angels have car seats in their chariots in heaven?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why are school buses painted yellow?

Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If WalMart is lowering prices daily, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?

How can there be multiple Final Fantasies?

Why are the songs that get stuck in my head always little kid songs?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

If you're an atheist and swear on the bible, have you committed perjury?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?

When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?

Why is Greenland white?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is it when you get from here to there, you're still here and not there?

If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Why does belly button lint not match your shirt color?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If a penny costs 2.3 cents to make, why is it still only worth a penny?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do they get the ship in the bottle?

Where do all the missing socks go?

Why are a goose and his wife called geese, but a moose and his wife aren't called meese?

How come the idiot is always in charge?

In the wintertime, why don't entire clouds freeze and fall to the ground?

What is the definition of "is"?

If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

If air travel is so safe, why do they call it a "terminal"?

If Cheese is made of milk why is it yellow?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Why are aliens always green?

If yesterday was today, then wouldn't today be yesterday?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is atheism a non-prophet organization?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good One......

I lived in Lodnon for several years. I appreciate the humor.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

ME

spera wrote:

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee............

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

Business Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

--
Brent - 2350LMT, 3790LMT, 3597LMTHD

Espanol

GPS FACTORY, in the month of July 10, start only in Spanish, soooooooooooooooo be ready or go to spanish school.
Esto es solamente jugando

Is a Joke

CDO

My friend tells me that he's suffering from CDO. What is CDO, I ask him. OCD in alphabetical order, he says.

figures

figures

ha ha

ha ha

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother
Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep
or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down
and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person
to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

To those who take life too Seriously

a.. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
b.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
c.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
d.. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
e.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going
the wrong way.
f.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
g.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
h.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
i.. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
j.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
k.. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
l.. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
m.. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
n.. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on
it.
o.. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness
of the
bread.
p.. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability
to
reach it.
q.. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is
research.
r.. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your

principles.
s.. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
t.. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
u.. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
v.. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
w.. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

x.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
y.. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
z.. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
aa.. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
ab.. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
ac.. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
ad.. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
ae.. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
af.. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The teacher gave her fifth

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ellie-May was left.

"Ellie-May, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 22 enemy troops.

She shot 17 with the pistol til she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinkin'."

Thanks

jpac wrote:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ellie-May was left.

"Ellie-May, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 22 enemy troops.

She shot 17 with the pistol til she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinkin'."

For the laugh smile

--
2597 Sometimes I wonder..."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then, it hits me.

The Little Old Lady

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the
receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing
off, when a little old lady came running towards
her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled,
"I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to
the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the
receptionist. "He's over there," replied the
little old lady, pointing to an apartment building
opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see
a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go
to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you
know he's naked, you can only see him from the
waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady.
"Try standing on the dresser!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Blonde dieting

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly
for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor
by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did
you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

took me a couple reads

Took me a couple of reads then OMG LOL.

took me a couple reads then OMG LOL

spokybob wrote:
Quote:

Oh boy!
Subject: Fw: My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Sounds familiar ?

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's Only $1,500! Can I buy it?"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like."

"Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else... It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the downpayment."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"

"Bye. I love you too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Yeah!

One of my favorites!

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

Bad pun of the week

A German Count goes to England and likes it there so much that he
decides to
stay there. He lives there in England for many years but he has never
paid
any taxes to the King. Eventually, the news gets to the King that there
is a
German in his kingdom that has not been paying any taxes for several
years.
The King, upon hearing this news, becomes irritated. he sends a
messenger to
the Count to demand that he pay taxes. The Count tells the messenger
that he
is a German Citizen, and therefore, owes no such taxes to a King of a
different monarchy. When the messenger returns and tells the King what
the
Count had said, the King became infuriated and sent his guards to
arrest the
count and place him in a dungeon, soon to be executed if he did not
change
his mind and pay the taxes. The King paid the Count a visit in the
dungeon
to ask him one last time if he had changed his mind. The Count tells
the
King, "I am a German Count! As such, i will NEVER pay any taxes to this

Kingdom!". The King motions to the executioner to cut off the German's
head
with his hatchet. As the executioner's hatchet came down upon the
Count's
head he suddenly decided to change his mind and pay the taxes, so he
began
to yell out, "Okay, I'll....", but the Count's head went rolling into
the
basket before he could get the rest of the words out.

and the moral of this story is............

DON'T HATCHET YOUR COUNTS BEFORE THEY CHICKEN OUT!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Little known NCAA facts

a.. What does the average Iowa player get on his SAT's?- Drool.

b.. What do you get when you put 32 Alabama
cheerleaders in one room?
- A full set of teeth.

c.. How do you get a GA Tech cheerleader into your dorm room? - Grease her hips and push like hell.

d.. How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch? - Pay him for the pizza.

e.. Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs? - To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

f.. Why do they no longer serve ice at Wisconsin football games? -
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

g.. Why is the Indiana football team like a possum? - Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

h.. What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's life? - His freshman year.

i.. Why did Kansas State replace natural grass with Astroturf? - To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

j.. How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None...That's a sophomore course at OSU.

k.. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? - West Lafayette, IN...He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

l.. Why did O.J. want to move to Arkansas? - Everyone there has the same DNA.

m.. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? - You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash the rest of
the week.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Little Known NCAA Facts

Like them all except for the last one. shock

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

cis that after a six pack

c
is that after a six pack of moon shine or is she bringing it? surprised razz

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

Six Packs

d-moo70 wrote:

c
is that after a six pack of moon shine or is she bringing it? surprised razz

Moonshine comes in six-packs? Are you a city boy?

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

No

David King wrote:
d-moo70 wrote:

c
is that after a six pack of moon shine or is she bringing it? surprised razz

Moonshine comes in six-packs? Are you a city boy?

I didn't know you would have to drink more than one six pack

lon: -78.004450 lat: 43.997304

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

True Story

In June, a guy in Tulsa, OK, was running from the police when he jumped into the back of a van, with the idea of hijacking it.

The van was occupied by a father and daughter rodeo team.

By the time police arrived, he was hog-tied and secured to a fence.

You can't make this stuff up!!!

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

Medical Alert

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious,potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or all of these three antidotes:- Really Urgent Medicine (RUM)- Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or - Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Medic Alert

smile

I love this. With your permission (or without it!), I'm going to put this on my facebook.

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

Why did the origami teacher

Why did the origami teacher quit her job?

There was too much paperwork.

A blond cop pulls over a

A blond cop pulls over a speeding car walks up to the drivers window and tells the blond driver I need to see your driving license.

The blond driver looks around in her purse and ask the cop "What does my drivers license look like"?

The cop says "It's about this big and has your picture on it".

The blond driver searches around in her purse and says "Oh here it is" and hands the cop her open compact.

The blond cop looks at it and says "Why didn't you tell me you were a cop"?

--
garry

No problem

David King wrote:

smile

I love this. With your permission (or without it!), I'm going to put this on my facebook.

It was sent to me. smile

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Getting old is a beach

A few days ago a friend gave me a "Viet Nam Veteran" cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend received the Silver Star and was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.

But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?" "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." (I thought it was a snappy retort.) "The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1959," I answered as straight-faced as possible. He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1959?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun! "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly. "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still "top secret" and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah?" he gave me the "don't threaten me look." "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another deadly serious look, I made the I see you gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot. What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring, one just needs the right kind of cap!

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Nun...gas

Timantide wrote:

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital...

Great one! Thanks.

--
Garmin Nüvi 265W

Tough Interrogation

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the Police Sergeant asked the new recruit.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," said the rookie. "Asked him every question we could."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the Sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off."

--
nüvi 3790T | nüvi 775T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

What...

...do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the others?

Lean beef.

--
NUVI40 Kingsport TN

Re the three guys come into the bar....

Should'nt it be the Scotsman who wanted the fly to spit out the beer?

I thought the Scots were supposed to be the cheap/stingy ones???

_jgracey

--
I have seen the future and it is now!

Jesus

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother .
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was
God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American

Indian

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work
to do.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Rules Of The Air:

a.. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

b.. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

c.. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

d.. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

e.. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

f.. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

g.. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

h.. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

i.. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

j.. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

k.. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
l.. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources
also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

m.. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

n.. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

o.. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

p.. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

q.. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

r.. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground
has yet to lose.

s.. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

t.. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

u.. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

v.. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

w.. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

lol

lol. that's funny

Playing doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors
boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to
his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys
and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age."
the neighbor said. "Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out
her appendix!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Thanks Robin Williams

At the airport a young boy screamed as he was patted down by the TSA. He cried, "Mama. He doesn't look like a priest."

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Canine Tricks

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and
water
and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just
give
me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old
talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell
you
what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen,
can
you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her

day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you
can
keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and

asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to
the
dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy
with a
French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this
before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Edison and the indians

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about
electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation.

Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that
he
would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to
use
the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this
kind
act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Airplane Accident

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 207, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen. I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking,
the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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