Factory Joke Thread - July 2012

Great joke - thanks!

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine.

At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Classified Ads:

Joining nudist colony.
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

why do all toasters have at least two settings that nuke toast to an inedible crisp!!!!
Who uses these settings ?

Good One!!

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

Not funny, this is the best poi site there is

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting
and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand

dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze
rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live

rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but
every
time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By
the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels,
and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant

lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
at
the bottom of the hill. He panics and starts to run full tilt. No
matter
how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just
thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the

water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with
one
arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the
other,
as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the
light
post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over
the
breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist thoughtfully. "No, I was just wondering if you
have
a bronze lawyer."

There was this guy who wanted to become a monk and copy the ancient scriptures of the bible. So he became a monk and went to the monastery to see if he could get the job.

He got the job and the priest gave him scriptures to copy. He found out that he was copying from a copy and asked why he couldn't copy from the originals because somebody could have made a mistake while copying.

The priest replied, "Because the originals are too valuable." So the monk asked if he could at least see the originals and the priest agreed to just
let him see them.

The priest took the monk down to the vaults where all of the original scriptures were, showed them to the monk, and left him to his silence. The
priest was waiting by the door for about an hour and finally decided to go check on the monk.

When he got down to the vaults he saw that the monk was banging his head against the wall and asked what was wrong.

The monk replied, "It said celebrate!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

I love it. Almost like "Little Johnny"

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

Excellent

The American on the train was funny!

For the second one with the principal getting the last several wrong... I was half expecting it to end with something like, "he cannot be sent to the third grade because 3rd graders would have different answers" It was funny though!

Arial and Helvetica walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said "Hey, we don't serve your type in here."

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" the 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but...... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

I liked this one!! Thanks for sharing.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor. Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks !

I went to join a beginners Yoga class last week - the instructor asked me how flexible I was, I said "Well, I can't do Thursdays".

This One. Thanks.

That airplane accident joke is hillarious!!

Paraprosdokians,,, (Winston Churchill loved them) arefigures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase issurprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it'sstill on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, somepeople appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to actin public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who isleft.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdomis not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,'then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. Tosteal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in trainstations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I justwanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says,'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I wasblaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they canwalk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think theyare sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behindthe fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzymemory. 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. Youonly need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makesmisery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holdingsomeone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot firstand call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vendingmachine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And mine is.........I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.(In fact shocking to come to the realization that at a gathering I'm the oldest person present!)

The American Medical Association has finally weighed in on Obama's newhealth care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but
the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
TheGastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but theNeurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile,Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said,"Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new faceon the matter ."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thoughtthe whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial

troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he
discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and

distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers
from
the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door
for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The Reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and
were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts
about
Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to
keep
to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor

Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked

with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the Reverend immediately

asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last

week?" Proudly handing the Reverend an envelope, Peter replied,
"Father,
using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the
200
dollars I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" The
Reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine
salesman, the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to

sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his
chest,
confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was
happy
to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold
28
bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The
Reverend responded, "Splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional
salesman
and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the Reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And
Louie,
did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered
the
Reverend a large envelope. The Pastor opened it and counted the
contents.
"What is this?" the Reverend exclaimed. "Louie, this 3200 dollars! Are
you
saying that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just
one
week?

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in
unison.
"We're professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as
many
bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the Reverend
agreed.

"I think you'd better tell how you managed this, Louie." Louie
shrugged.
"I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,"
he
stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,

just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just
l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?

Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" the manager told him.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"I see. Well, we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another for $100,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you, I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked.

"What urine sample?" asked Sid.

"If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job.
He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets

down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is
Mr. Frieden's."

"That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Good One!!!

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything
about penguins, did you?

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd
just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the
end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his
buddy. "But what if you came home one night and
caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says,
"I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog
in the butt."

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd
just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the
end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his
buddy. "But what if you came home one night and
caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says,
"I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog
in the butt."

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal
says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender
missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em,
I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even
tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem
to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary
do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that
hang out at that place at the bend of the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around
the waist and their sort of bald on top with
a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are
friars!"

Classic!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Lebanese, a Vietnamese, a Sri Lankan, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 Africans . . . . walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Thank God for the pun of the day!!! LOL

A two-fer!

LOL

Thanks!

Ron

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

I didn't see this one

We don't need to export it. The US has reserves for the next 500 years.

My favorite! I think I went to school with this guy.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clearyour computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when yourealize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm prettysure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how theperson died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at workwhen you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive forthe rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? Idon't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks meif I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that Iswear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not toanswer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday orSaturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom andhunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nodand smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team upto prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothersand sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never getdirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and stillnot know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their carkeys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on theDonkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years
for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a
mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was
involved,
signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he

could. When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared
carefully
for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained
a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I

don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave
you
an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.
"Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

I have this on a poster in my classroom. Found it on facebook. Still hilarious!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann, and said,
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce.
"Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Mrs. Johnson, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

Brain Study

Wow! We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.
Here’s a good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind.

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

17 WA5 H4RD

Good One!!!

A man and his wife moved back home to the mountains of North Carolina from Ohio.

When they arrived in North Carolina they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.00. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in North Carolina to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said "Well here it is on the screen it says: Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system above it is $39.00."