Factory Joke Thread - June 2012

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for
dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request
to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That
is really nice, that after all these years that
you have been married, you keep calling your
wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell
the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

a.. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries
are getting weak?
b.. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there
is not enough?
c.. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion

stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
d.. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
e.. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

f.. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you

throw a revolver at him?
g.. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
h.. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
i.. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
j.. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles
are always white?
k.. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
l.. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes
that
m.. something new to eat will have materialized?
n.. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their

vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to
give the vacuum one more chance?
o.. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first
try?

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard aboutpeople having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference betweenthem? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met byyour wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning,or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling ofperfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife onthe butt and having the Balls to say, "You're next, Chubby." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the

one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death, but

is expected to survive.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...

Then He made the earth round.......and laughed...and laughed...and laughed.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson ready for some peace and quiet for the trip home.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric. I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty,
but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office,
with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, Eric was still talking loudly.

The young woman sitting next to him yelled at the top of her voice:
”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I love it!!