Factory Joke Thread - June 2012

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

5 years and 2 days today!!

A wife begins to get a little worried because
her husband has not arrived home on time from
his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As
the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned
until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into
the driveway.

"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should
have been home hours ago!"

"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,"
replied the husband.

"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.

"I know," the husband answered. "All day long
it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball,
drag Gus . . . "

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that
he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After
the man explained his situation, he asked his
pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late
'70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said
the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old
trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live
longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what
time you do have seem like forever."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon
their
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they
were
willing
to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining
that
even
10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced

before. But
as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go
ahead
and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The
husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was
amazed
at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
to
feel quite
well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife

delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was found dead on their porch.

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father asks “how did this happen?”

Little Johnny says "Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were in church saying our prayers and when we stood up, my teachers dress was stuck in the crack of her butt. So I reached forward and pulled it out for her. That's when she hit me."

Johnnie's father says "Johnny, whenever you see something like that on a woman, just leave it alone."

Well, the very next day little Johnny comes home with his other eye black and blue. His father asks him how this happened.

Little Johnny says "Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were in church saying our prayers and when we stood up, my teachers dress was stuck in the crack of her butt. Now Billy next to me sees this and he reaches forward and pulls it out for her."

Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!

LOVE IT!!!

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a beautiful young woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a parting kiss?"
So she does... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! How about another?"
The second kiss was even hotter and more sensuous.
"Mmmmm - that was some turn-on kiss" the biker says.
"You know, ....you have a real talent there that you would be wasting. You could have any guy you wanted and be very happy. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The authorities think she may have been pushed.

Two men walked into a bar.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The third one ducked

Good One!!!

I will never look at a bag of Purina the same way again.

Dear Abby,
I've suspect that my husband has been fooling around. When I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Teacher: Class, what are some sounds that you heard on our field trip to a farm yesterday?
Donna: Quack Quack
Marci: Moo
Billy: Oink Oink

Johnny: Hey get off that fu****g tractor.

As I said, Costco won't let me shop at their place no mo' !

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, he warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for ?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

An old English couple is in a taxi in America.

The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"

The old man replies "From Yorkshire"

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"

The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, it put me off going to England forever."

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

There's too much month left at the end of the money.

lol

a group of Harley bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!

That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

By Jove, I think I got it : )

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

(George Carlin)

Cheeta complained it tickled?

The room was full of pregnant women and their
partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this
stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise
is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while
we walk?"

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance
to each other was their looks. If one felt it
was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed
the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in
every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other
a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins'
birthday their father loaded the pessimist's
room with every imaginable toy and game. The
optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's
room and found him sitting amid his new gifts
crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have
to read all these instructions before I can do
anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need
batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father
found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's
got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

THis came from an Isac Asimov story, I think. If I recall the book, I"ll post the title! The son was going thru some testing to get into (space/flight?) school. It was extreamly painful and usually the mother feels the effect but for extra cash, some of the pain can be transferred to the father...

I was at a sausage judging festival the other week. We were all looking the the best sausage, but a couple of Germans were looking for the wurst.

There was a great gasoline shortage in 1973. A zoo worker didn't have enough gas to get home one night. He rode a camel back to his house. The next morning he looked in his yard and the camel was not there.
He called the Glendale police to report the stolen camel. The police responded to the call and started filling out the report. A question was, "Is there any distinguishing features about Clyde?” The worker said that it looked the same as any other camel. The policeman said, “When we locate it, we have to be sure it is yours.”
The guy thought a moment and said, “It has a crazy a$$hole.” The cop asked “What is a crazy a$$hole?” The guy said, “Well I’m not sure but when I was at a red-light on Colorado Blvd, I heard I guy say, “Look at the crazy a$$hole on that camel.”

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't seem to put it down.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I was asked if I knew Marion Barry. Of course, I do. They're the two most important jobs of a pastor.

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Today we have no jobs, no cash & no hope!!!

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “

Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.

“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”

“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”

“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your
toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny
canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally
their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they
had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple
took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they
stopped by the local college so they each could
enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration
clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study
Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a
Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start
to talk. We just want to be able to understand
him."

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,

"Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said
"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother-in-laws.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Ole, the Norwegian painter, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.
One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus. In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TEETH !!

Good One!!!!

The Italian Funeral Dog

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Short but good!

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to
$121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

My daughter asked me to buy her a spider for her birthday so I went to a pet shop and they were $80! I can get one off the web for half that...

Made me lol!

~Angela

Excellent!

Know what an ethernet is?

Something for which to catch the Ether Bunny.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets into his car, it takes him another five minutes to get his keys in the ignition. Meanwhile, everyone else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him and pulls him over. Gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

"How is this possible?" asks the cop. The guy replies, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Ranks Right Up There.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US...

Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!