POI Factory Joke Thread - September 2011

today'sFUNNY===========================

A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'M William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."

[forwarded by Johanna Boman]

today'sTHOT============================

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

=======================================

PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

What starts with P and ends with E and have more than 26 letters in it ?.

NOW THIS IS FUNNY!!!!!

A good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Do it...let's just see!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a

truck...... Folks, we're screwed

Went to my pal's twenty-second birthday party the other day...

It was the quickest party I've ever been to.

What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most of the time you get a long-eared onion.

But occasionally you get an ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

Barack and Michelle are at a Sox day game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of
The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

What's the commonest owl in the world?

A tea towel.

When Obama's face is on a presidential quarter someday, that will be "change we can believe in."

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
- Ellen DeGeneres

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
Her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .....

Wait for it ..... ......

It's coming ...... ......

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She said .... .....:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

Q. When does a fish grow the fastest?

A. From the time it is caught until the story is told.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Some guy told me, “I’m a Republican but I vote my conscience.”
So I asked him, “How can you do both?”
Republicans will save the rainforest - if you tell them that’s where the golf ball trees are!

Two guys are sitting around talking about politics.
One of them asks the other, "So why are you a Democrat?"
"Because my daddy and granddaddy were Democrats," was the man's reply.
"What if your daddy and granddaddy were horse thieves?"
"In that case, I guess I'd be a Republican."

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

[in jest]

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clnton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."

The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."

Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"

She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?

**

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular, all ya'll is plural.

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know what a hissy fit is.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

Good stuff everyone! Happy Friday!!!!!

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

this joke was the fist to make me lol laugh out loud.
Derek uk

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!

They polled 1000 men and asked them what they liked in women's thighs. 10% liked them skinny, 10% liked them with a little meat on them. 80% liked something in between.

Subject: FW: New Warning!
Importance: High

DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED: Vodka & ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum & ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart. Gin & ice will ruin ur brain. Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth ... Apparently ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: LAY OFF THE ICE! -just drink it straight!! Copy & paste this immediately. You could save a life!!! (don't forget it also sunk the Titanic)!

This is a good one. LMAO

He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak, and as luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your private parts. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished.
- Leslie Nielsen

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..
'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. ' It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ...

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Sonny Bono tried to sue his ex-wife for half of her fortune, but she said she was going to split everything with a waxwork replica of herself.

Oh well, Cher and Cher-alike.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf so forget about the anesthetic, I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already ... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is really a brave man asking to have the tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also..'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place..
The grass is almost a foot high.'

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

Now that is funny................

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington,DC, shut them all up when he
observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the
head and the ass are interchangeable.'

A man had 4 children. Government made a public announcement to the citizens that, if you have five children you will get $12,000 per month as aid grant to support the family.
The man told his wife directly " honey, I must admit, uhm ... I have a child with my girl friend and I am going to bring him in ." She gazed at him in shock, he could not wait but dashed out to fetch the son. When he returned, he was amazed to see just two of his children remaining. He asked his wife: " honey, where are the other two children? " She replied, " you were not the only person that heard the announcement their fathers have come to take them .... "

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be
to complete 2 miles of line on her road.

He set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and sked her what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road and now, on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.

Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

Well, she replied,

"I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

Perks Of Being Over 50

   *In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
   *No one expects you to run into a burning building.
   *People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
   *People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
   *There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
   *Things you buy now won't wear out.
   *You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
   *You can live without sex but not without glasses.
   *You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
   *You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
   *You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
   *You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
   *You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
   *You sing along with elevator music.
   *Your eyes won't get much worse.
   *Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
   *Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
   *Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
   *Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?I put in a $7 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit," andnow it seemsI'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Obama'sentire Cabinet.

A man walked into a bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh...... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g... t-o... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... R-i-c-k....P-e-r-r-y?

Can't believe I was axed as the coach of our Olympic limbo team...

I bent over backwards for those guys.

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

"Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Today we found out that a third college Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." —Bill Maher

"Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'" –Craig Ferguson

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno

"These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim." –Jay Leno

"What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America’s parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down – but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally." –Bill Maher

"Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy." –Bill Maher

"They used the opportunity on Tax Day to come up with what they call a 'Contract From America.' Remember the 'Contract With America'? Well, this is a different set of 10 completely ridiculous ideas. Like number 4, I'm not kidding about this: 'The tax code cannot have more words than the Constitution.' You know between this and the complaints about the health care bill being too long, can we say it? It's not taxes they hate, it's reading." –Bill Maher

"At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see Sarah Palin at the Tea Party Convention on Saturday? Well, this is — I'm starting to love her, really. She mocked President Obama for using a teleprompter and then, someone noticed she had notes written on her hand. And she had the words 'energy,' 'budget,' with the word 'cuts' crossed off, 'tax,' and 'lift American spirits' written on her palm. It lifted my spirits, so — mission accomplished, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, tomorrow in Nashville, Sarah Palin will speak at the Tea Party Convention. Tickets are $550 apiece. Where are they getting this tea, Starbucks?" –Jay Leno

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party." –Jay Leno

"This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The tea party is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?" –Jon Stewart, on the tea party protests

"The floor of a cave called. It wants its bat sh*t back." –Bill Maher on Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give
milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her
crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother".

The difference between Liberals, Conservatives, and Rednecks.........

Scenario:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal response:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative response:

BANG!

Redneck response:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....Reload... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"