POI Factory Joke Thread - August 2011

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

I saw a sign in a car park (parking lot) saying,
"Thieves want your sat nav!"

I thought, "Well they can get lost!"

An Amish woman is pulled over by a traffic cop and he says "Mam, I don't plan to ticket you, but your reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be a safety hazard.".

The Amish Lady Replies "Thank thee officer. I will tell my husband upon returning home and he will fix it immediately.".

Officer: "Thank you, but I also noticed that one of the reins from your buggy, is wrapped around your horse's testicles and some people might consider that to be cruel.".

Amish Lady: "Thank thee officer. I will tell my husband upon returning home and he will fix it immediately.".

Upon returning home, the lady talks to her husband, Martin.

Amish Lady: "Martin, a police officer stopped me today and said the reflector on the back of our buggy is broken and it should be fixed."

Martin: "I will get to it immediately."

Amish Lady: "Martin, the police officer also said there was a problem with the Emergency Brake."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny
and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise
out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox
is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that
double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

SIX TRUTHS

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, due to the tendons within your neck.

2. All boneheads, after reading #1 will try it...

3. ...and discover that #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you realize you are an bonehead.

5. You soon will share this with another bonehead.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face! I sincerely apologize about this, but I'm an bonehead and I needed company.

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

today'sTHOT============================

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting -- 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a GOOD MAN, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking sweet tea when a large truck hauling rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do 'at when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

- - - -
The folks who are getting free shit,
Don't like the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Because the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Can no longer afford to pay for both the free shit and their own shit.

And,
The folks who are paying for the free shit,
Want the free shit to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free shit,
Want even MORE free shit on top of the free shit they're already getting!

Now.....
The government which is forcing the people who PAY for the free shit,
Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free shit,
That the people who are PAYING for the free shit,
Are being mean, prejudiced, and racist!

So.....
The people who are GETTING the free shit,
Have been convinced they need to HATE the people
Who are PAYING for the free shit,
By the government which is forcing the people to PAY for the free shit
and GIVING them the free shit in the first place.

And - - - - - that's the straight shit!

Of course this applies also to any insurance scheme, when you think of it...

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

Five years later ...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Holly-wood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

Apparently a psychic dwarf has recently escaped from prison.

Police are searching for a small medium at large.

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape....

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend.. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

That's funny.

Good One!!

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question.

Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don't know either..."

A third theory [on the creation of the Earth] is
the one offered by my old theological buddy Bobby
Joe Dearing, who speculates that the world was
originally created as a science fair project.
"The problem," says Bobby Joe, "is that God made
it the night before he had to turn it in, and
he's probably going to get a 'D' on it."
  - John Anders, Dallas Morning News Columnis

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

Two young boys walked into a drug store one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV!!!!

My wife is a few years older than me ... and she
HATES this joke:

My wife & I were high school sweet hearts. It was
the typical high school romance. I was on the
football team and she was on the faculty.

A woman needs romance and a reason to have sex.

A man needs a place.

Good: High school boy gets caught fooling around
Bad: With his teacher
Ugly: He is homeschooled

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 7-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!" He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc .

He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Its just been established that the current administration has declared that the DC Earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure faultline known as......."BUSH'S FAULT"

I shared that on Facebook.

that's where i got it from

Looters seen after truck carrying wigs spills on the highway. Police combing the area...

Break in at the police station, rest room trashed. Cops have nothing to go on......

And amen to BOTH sides of the story

And amen to BOTH sides of the story

The USGS has determined that the epicenter of the earthquake that struck Virginia on Tuesday was located in a graveyard, just outside of Washington DC. The cause, according to the USGS, appears to be all of our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.

My niece in Roanoke says the community is all pulling together.
http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q297/spokybob/earthquakeV...

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

If you see someone without a smile today Give them one of yours .

A large sinkhole has been discovered on main street.
Police are looking into it.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.

---

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

"Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've rented the car..."

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

"I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

"Crime in multi-storey parking lots. That is wrong on so many different levels."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
“No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

‎"The husband lay dying. The wife was by his bedside. He said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh", said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend’s mom!"
"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned your coffee, you loser, now close your eyes."

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy! That's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Tough Old Cowboy

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted
to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of
gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously...to the age of 103.

When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45
great-grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a 15
foot hole where the crematorium used to be...

Next time you use a pair of latex gloves when you're painting or crafting, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing..
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Park in a driveway and drive on a parkway. Shouldn't it be the other way around (compliments of George Carlin).

Good One!!

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple, you're two tents."

Tha Tha Tha That's Funny

Michael O'Toole was in the habit of always ordering 3 pints of Guinness all at once, when he went to the pub. He would take a sip from each one in turn, starting over with the first and continuing until they were gone.

The barkeep finally asked about this one day, suggesting that they would be fresher and colder if he ordered them one at a time.

"Oh no," said Michael. "I do it this way in honor of me two dear brothers, Matthew and Kevin. Matthew went to the United States and Kevin took a job in Australia. So I order 3 Guinness all at once, like we used to do, in memory of all the wonderful times we spent together."

Well the barkeep was touched by the sentiment and Michael continued ordering his pints this way.

One day, Michael came in and only ordered 2 pints of Guinness. A hush fell among the patrons who were well accustomed to Michael's usual routine. Thinking the worst, the barkeep quietly offered Michael his sincere condolences for the loss of one of his dear brothers.

"Oh no," said Michael. "Me brothers are right as rain, I tell ya. It's me, you see. The doctor says I have a bad heart and need to stop drinking. So from here on in, I'll only be ordering pints for Matthew and Kevin."