Factory Joke Thread – March 2025

Once said she spent seven hours in a beauty parlor once and that was just for an estimate

She was very entertaining, and an all-star on Hollywood Squares along with Paul Lynde.

Charley Weaver was still the best of the men.

March

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes

No wonder men are happier!

Not realizing his cabin mic was turned on, the pilot turned to the co pilot and said "Right now, I could use a B.J. and a cup of coffee."

A stewardess in the back of the plane rushed down the aisle to warn the pilot about his open mic when a gentleman she passed said, "Don't forget the coffee"

He was!

There are a number of good one from the past.

George Gobble
Foster Brooks
George Burns
plus, many more.

Showing my age.

For being outstanding in its field.

Good one

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona .
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents. "

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true
.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

I lost 25% of my roof today in the storm...OOF

What?

ROOF-25%=_OOF

"Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?"

"Poi, son."

A father buys a lie detector robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

wow

Gone but not forgotten

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

I stand corrected.

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Darth Blister let out a snarl. Join the Dark Sole, Luke! Together, we will rule the galaxy’s orthopedics!”

Luke displayed a pair of flip-flops. “Sorry, but I am more of a neutral party. However, these are for sale.

Darth Blister and the bathrobe guy paused. “Sale, you say?”

And that’s how The Sole Wars concluded—not with an epic conflict, but with a 50% off clearance sale that restored peace to feet all throughout the galaxy.

Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I was in the pub. I go there a lot. My pal Bill was standing at the bar and I noticed that both his ears were bandaged up.
"Hello Bill" I said. I spoke loudly as I wasn't sure he would hear me. "What happened to you?"
He replied " I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang. Absent mindedly I put the iron to my ear instead of the phone, and burnt my ear"
"Gosh" I said "That's terrible - but what happened to your other ear?"
Bill looked at me.... "They phoned back."

James was a single guy, living alone nor tar from his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit it and a small fortune once his sickly father died.

James wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

He got up the courage to aproach her and said, "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit a small fortune."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women seem so much better at estate planning than men.

It appears to be so.

They reminisced how they had been happy for 25 years. But then they met.

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially but chalked it up to coincidence and carried on.

A week later, he again overhears his daughter praying. This time she says "bless mom, bless dad, goodbye grandma". The dad figures this is a good way to put his fears to rest, but sure enough before the day ended, the family finds out her grandmother is no more. Now the dad is freaking the fuck out, he thinks his daughter has supernatural abilities and shit.

A week later, he hears his daughter praying again. "Bless mom, bless brother, goodbye dad". The dad loses his shit and can't think straight. He drives straight to office and locks the door. He refuses to eat all day, constantly checking the windows and doors. He thinks if he can just make it to the end of the day he'll be alright. Finally, it passes midnight and he sighs of relief.

He drives home confident his daughter is full of shit. His wife meets him at the door and gives him an earful about how it's 1 am. He says "Yeah babe, I had the worst day at work today". She replies with "Oh yeah? My day was worse. The fucking mailman dropped dead on our porch."

Hamburger: "I'd like a beer."
Bartender: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a year?

m...let me guess ¯_(ツ)_/¯

The letter ‘m’.