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A Man Goes to The Barber and The Barber Asks, 'How Would You Like Your Hair Cut?'
The man says: In silence
Jesus and Moses are golfing.
Jesus says, “Watch this drive. It’ll be just like Tiger Woods.” He hits the ball and it lands in the lake.
Moses says, “I’ll get it.” He goes down to the lake, parts the water and retrieves the ball.
“Okay,” Jesus says, “This time, it WILL be just like Tiger Woods.” He hits the ball and again, it lands in the lake. Moses goes down, parts the lake and retrieves the ball.
“Third time is a charm,” Jesus says. “Watch, just like Tiger Woods.” And for the third time he hits the ball into the lake.
Moses says, “This time, you can get it yourself!”
As Jesus is down walking on the water looking for the ball, a crowd has formed. One guy says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
“No,” Moses says. “He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights closely together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All this while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Too many cheetahs.
received the No-Bell Prize.
A Tennessee farmer got home after a long day of working in the fields, and was feeling mighty horny. He went to his wife and asked her if she felt like a roll in the hay.
His wife replied, “No Michael, our son will be home from school any minute now.”
“So what?” Michael replied. “We can just turn on the dishwasher and he won’t hear a peep.”
She replied, “No way Michael,” and that was that.
Michael got frustrated and decided to go take a ride on his tractor to let off some steam.
By the time their son had gotten home, the wife had changed her mind. She asked her son to go out to his father and tell him to come home and turn on the dishwasher.
The son went out and told the farmer what the mother had said.
Michael replied, “Tell your mother that it’s too late. I already did the dishes by hand!”
Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The old farmer from Ohio started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Buckeye replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Just so everybody's clear.
I'm going to put my glasses on.
He has a green thumb.
that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
It was just collecting dust.
Before you marry someone you should make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are...
what did I miss?
They eat whatever bugs them.
Nothing. They just waved.
But on the other hand, I was fine.
Santa heard you say you were good this year and died laughing.
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a new microwave."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
I’ve just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement ….. It was a best cellar.
It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.
My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently, because I left Windows open.
I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks …. It cost me an arm and a leg.
The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.
Horses have lower divorce rates. It’s because they are in stable relationships.
It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car, I will get tired but if I run behind a car I will get exhausted.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.
90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it.
Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle …… It’s a vicious cycle.
The word “incorrectly” is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The other day I yelled into a colander, and I strained my voice.
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
Always trust a nudist, they have nothing to hide...
It almost gave me frostbite.
What do you get from eating Christmas ornaments ????
I plan to live forever. So far, so good.
they took the word gullible out of the latest Oxford dictionary. If you don't believe me, you can look it up.
To ring in the new year.
I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family and or friends. Well, last year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several Scotch and Sodas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine.
I’d like to share how I resolved my predicament.
Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was probably over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before ... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere, and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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