Factory Joke Thread – May 2023

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read all the forum rules before posting, and keep in mind...

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

This thread will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

--Jonathan (aka JM)
--filling in for Angela (aka GlobeTurtle)

MAKE ME A SANDWICH

My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those.” —Julie Phelan

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

bravery

Oh thats just either brave....or a suicidal level of stupidity.... wink
Never rile a woman with a kitchen full of knives smile

Ahhhh... Another fool who

Ahhhh... Another fool who either has no appreciation of his wife or else married they type of woman I would never marry.

Reminds me of a character, I think her name was Joanie", in old Doonesbury comics. She was talking about reasons she left her ex-husband. He came home with a bunch of guys and she had to make food for them. The guys scarfed the food and said how great it was. The (soon to be ex) husband replied, "My wife. I think I'll keep her!"

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

A pony walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

Bartender says they don't serve animals.

Pony says "Aw, come on, I'm just a little hoarse."

Thought

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

What was the best thing

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Why it was the slicer to actually do the slicing!

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

An Irishman's first drink with his son

"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

"He didn't. I drank it.

"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky.

"He wouldn't even smell it.

"What could I do but drink it!

“By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh!t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!”

Big if true.

A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

Ahhhh... Another Fool Who

I Like

Betty White

JebNY wrote:

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

--
the title of my autiobiography "Mistakes have been made"

Kentucky Derby jockey invited to the White House

When the jockey of Mage was invited to the White house, he declined, replying that if he wanted to see a horse’s a**, he would have come in 2nd.

--
John from PA

Tax Form

New simplified tax form:

1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much do you have left?
4. SEND IT IN

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Another

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

.

JebNY wrote:

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Air.

--
nüvi 3790T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

Unexpected Call

A little girl picks up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks.

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!”

“And what happened, honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

A long, silent pause.

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

So Drunk He Can't Stand Up...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Attitude Adjustment

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest! You'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant snorting coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest! You'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think of what you are doing to your body! Come running with us through the sunny forest! You will feel so good!" The lion puts down his needle, picks up the rabbit and starts beating him.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror they say, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion says, "He always makes me run around the forest for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

The last three…

…are good ones. grin

--
With God, all things are possible. ——State motto of the Great State of Ohio

Did you hear about the accountant who slipped on the ice?

He lost his balance.

Donate

Wife: I have a bag full of old clothes I’d like to donate
Me: Why not throw them in the trash, much easier?
Wife: There are poor, starving, people who can really use all these clothes.
Me: Anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving.
I’m currently in hospital on ward 8

thanks

for the fun!

Donate

Funny

Humor

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit anything.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever!

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?”

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

--
John from PA

Blonde girl learns a lesson at school

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responded, “Very good honey.”

The blonde asked, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responded, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother said, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked, “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responded, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde comes home from school and says to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”

And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

Gotta know my limits

I decided not to have any kids after 50.

51 kids seems like one too many.

On the Badge

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

Ouch...

A man asked his phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" Siri turned on the selfie camera...

Today on a drive I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Shower Thought

Illegally accessing prisons can be grounds to be able to legally accessing prisons.

Reflections

• The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

• Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

• Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

• When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

• Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

• Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

• If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

• “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

• Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

• I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

• Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

• Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

• So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

• I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

• I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

• Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

• Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent one copy?
• The Commandments for Seniors……

• You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

• Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

• "On time" is, when you get there.

• Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

• It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

• Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

• "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

I hate insect puns.

They really bug me.

Reflections...

For some reason, a great number of the "Reflections" posted above really resonated with me today...

Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
A: Because the “P” is silent!

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

.

.

a spoonful of Guinness helps the baby go down......

TheBeachBum wrote:

"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

"He didn't. I drank it.

"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky.

"He wouldn't even smell it.

"What could I do but drink it!

“By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh!t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!”

I'm not sure of the veracity of it as I was a little young at the time but I was told by an Aunt that my grandfather would slip a teaspoon of Guinness into my bottle as a baby. I was supposedly the perfect baby for sleeping through the night...and probably with a drunken smile on my face razz

Confession

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for a month.’
Joe walks back to his pew, and his friend Jordan whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'A month's vacation and four excellent Leads.'