Factory Joke Thread – February 2023

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

19. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

20. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

An elderly man rear ended a sports car driven by some young dude. Enraged, the guy jumps out and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car,” the driver yelled. “You’re going to give me $10,000 right now or I am going to beat you to a bloody pulp “. “Oh my,” says the old man. “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains Dolphins and he will know what to do.” “Dolphins,” the other driver huffs while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son’s phone number and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. “So, YOU’RE a Dolphin trainer huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I’m going to beat YOU and your old man to a pulp.” I’ll be there in exactly 10 minutes” says the voice on the other end of the phone. Exactly 10 minutes later, a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road. When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says, “For the LAST TIME, dad…I train SEALS….NAVY SEALS….NOT Dolphins.”

What is Forest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1!"

Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.”
Doctor: “When did it start?”
Patient: “Next Friday.”

Wow

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

An old age home was playing a game similar to the Dating Game which was new at the time.

The husband of a couple, who had been married fifty years, was asked, “When did you last tell your wife that you loved her?”

That’s easy. Fifty years ago.

When his wife came out, they asked the same question.

“Fifty years ago.”

Dumbfounded, they asked...

The wife responded, “When we were married, my new husband told me, ‘I want you to know that I love you very, very much. And I always will. If I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know.’”

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

My wild oats are now mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

One day my ship will come in, but with my luck I’ll be at the airport!

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the tree.

What do hospital gowns and insurance policies have in common?

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

The truth

Everyone needs humor on Friday!

The text portion of this is not a joke but the link will take you to something hilarious that involves Phoenix! IMO, any KC fans headed to the Super Bowl should end up in Salt Lake City.

Enjoy, and sorry about the up front commercial...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q5jv80GNjM

That sure brings back memories

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!

My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, he said I was fired.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 2 miles. So I've been walking 2 miles every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is very healthy as well?" The old man answered "That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 2 miles!"

I resolved to get in shape.

Round is a shape, right?

Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” asked the lawyer.

Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”

Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

“Now what the hell would you say?”

Wow

I'm not trying to make waves here but, in my humble opinion, Dove chocolate tastes better than their soap.

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.......
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
"2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition......learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.

September
The capital of California is "C"......isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid
phone!!!

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

My body is a temple; ancient and crumbling.

I don't believe this one. You really want me to believe a Blonde could figure out that 108 hours is the same as 4 1/2 days?

FIRST LETTER:

My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work anymore.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment...... and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”

Wow awesome

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was just one sit-up.”

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChicken's all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest!

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.”

The teacher said, “That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word ‘fascinate’ in your sentence.”

Little Johnny continued, “But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!”

Wicked