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A white horse fell in the mud!
Three sisters ages 96, 94 and 92 all lived in the same house. One night the 96 year old sister went to take a bath upstairs. While she was putting her foot into the bathtub she stopped. She then called out to her other sisters and asked them, “Was I just getting into the bathtub or getting out?”
“You fool,” the 94 year old sister said. “I'll come upstairs and take a look.” As she reached halfway up the stairs she stopped and called out to the youngest sister, “Was I going upstairs or downstairs?”.
The youngest sister was sitting at the table in the kitchen drinking some tea and said to herself, “I hope I don't become that forgetful” and knocked on the wood on the table. The 92 year old sister shook her head and yelled to her sisters, “I'll be there to help both of you after I see who knocked on the door.”
the bartender said we dont serve for time travelers
a time traveler walks into a bar
Mark dreams number 7
.He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes in seventh.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
Silence is golden.
Duct tape is silver.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed.
They can’t figure her out She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “how do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed.
The old lady blushes and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”
“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says,
“What if it’s pointing straight up?"
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
An elderly woman joins a country club
Passed it on to my golfing friends!
Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don't have toe tips. Why then do you tiptoe through the tulips?
Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair.” A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either.”
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
"Mummy how was I born?"
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your Daddy and I decided to plant a little seed.
Your Daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day.
After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and after a few months it turned into a beautiful plant.
So we took the plant. dried it, rolled it up, smoked it and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news there’s a driver going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful !” “Hun” he answered, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them “
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.
15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
A man staggered into a hospital with
a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes
and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well" said the man, " I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our
balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over, lifted it's tail and sure enough there was a golfball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck in the middle of the cow's butt."
Still holding the cows tail up, I yelled to my wife.
" Hey this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that."
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Now that I've lived during a plague, I understand why most Renaissance paintings are of chubby women laying around without a bra.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I'll be alerted immediately.
I don't know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division and tell time on clocks with hands...so there!
You can also use a rotary phone dial !!!
A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“
The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.
A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity
The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“
And drive a stick shift..
Happy Friday to all..
It's a size "s"
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
Three bulls hear the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch and will most likely be reassigning cows from each one to the new bull.
The first bull says to the others, “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”
“I’ve been here three years,” says the second bull, “and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”
“I’ve only been here a year,” the third bull says, “and so far, you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”
Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
Terrified, the bulls immediately change tack. “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend,” the first bull offers.
“I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument,” the second says.
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
“Son, don’t be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale,” the first bull urges.
“Hell, he can have all my cows, the third bull responds. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Not just a floor shift - "Three on the Tree"!
I ran across my ex-girlfriend recently. We had somewhat of a rough break-up.
She said she missed me.
At first, I was a bit surprised to hear that, but then I saw she was reloading...
I went to this new restaurant called Karma.
They have no menu, they just gave me what i deserved.
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. and as someone recently said: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.
On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts.
On a Maternity Room door
"Push. Push. Push."
At a Car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.
And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
I just heard the Norwegian Navy has put barcodes on all their ships. Seems when the ships return to port they want to Scandinavian
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