Factory Joke Thread – March 2022

A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood
It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.

But did he ride it?

No, wooden start....

Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What did the young pancake say to the old burnt pancake? I don't like your flip side.
What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common? They both need a good batter!
How do you make a pancake smile? Butter him up.
What's the best pancake topping? More pancakes.
How do elves eat their pancakes? In short stacks.
When the little boy was making pancakes why did the batter run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
My mom always makes the pancakes too thin.....I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.
Yo mama so fat she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
My girlfriend told me to get some pancake stuff when I was out shopping. She wasn't too happy when I came home with a push-up bra. Did you know today is Pancake day, apparently it just creped up on us..
Thin French pancakes give me the crepes.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/foodjokes/pancake...

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little ******s, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough…

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.’ 'I know, said the old man…'But let me tell you about my weekend"!

My next door neighbour was telling me that now the COVID restrictions are being lifted he is going to take more excersise.
He said "I'm going to start playing silent tennis"
"Silent Tennis?" I asked.
He said "Yes, its just the same as regular tennis but without the racket"

1Forrest1

Someone recently gave me some good advice and I thought I’d share it with my wife. I went up to her in the kitchen and I said, “You know, Honey, you should really start embracing your mistakes.” She gave me a big hug.

From RV Newsletter

Good deed done today.

I Was at the supermarket earlier, and at the check out I was behind an old lady in the line.

Her bill came to $36.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under $30.

I thought she was probably someone’s grandmother and I’d like to think someone would have helped my grandmother out so I thought “Come on in these Covid worrying times, help the woman ”...

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

If domestic housewives exist, that implies there are feral housewives

Forgetful senior citizens
There was an elderly couple who were in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, no, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said," No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

What did March yell to Madness?
"What's all this bracket??

March 30th is world bipolar day
I don"t know how I feel about this

Why isn't cotton ready for harvest in March?
Because it's still Lint!

In March we had coughs, colds, Influenza A&B, and Covid-19.
I guess you could say the nations of the world were in a Cold War.

Just got a letter from March of Dimes.
Last month I got a letter from February of Nickels.

Wow

Everyday I wake and begin the process of getting ready for bed.

From RV Travel newsletter

You can retire to Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR-

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

-OR-

You can retire to New York City where…

1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail .

-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”

-OR-

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

LoL

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the
greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Good one!!

"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side of the bed.

I can relate to that.

Scenes in movies and TV shows where a child patiently listens to the wisdom of their parents strongly suggests that the writers of the scene lack real-world experience with children.

Why are waterbeds so bouncy?
They’re filled with spring water.

Which month of the year is the shortest?
May. It only has three letters.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She’s having her babies in the spring.

What did the dirt say to the rain?
You’d better cut it out, or my name will be mud!

What do you get when you push a bunch of Easter eggs down a hill?
Spring rolls.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side of the bed.. I like

haha funny!

Good One!!

I own a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespear, but he chewed it a lot, now I can’t tell if its 2b or not 2B..

ha ha ha!

I get the point!

I ran out of gas today along the highway.
I called my insurance company's Roadside Assistance for help.
They put me on hold...
After a couple minutes they informed me that they had totaled my truck.

very smart

Was almost boared to death.

Harf Harf

Retirement to-do list: Wake up. Nailed it!

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I was mugged at the petrol station today. Got all the cash in my wallet, and the cards too.
When the police showed up, they asked if I knew whodunnit.
"Yeah," I said, "it was Pump #3."

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his
suitcase.
"What happened?"
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying
that I was coming home from my trip today.
"I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy
in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.
Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there
must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email

Why was the bee mad?
You’d be mad too if someone stole your honey and nectar.

How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.

What does winter fat turn into?
Spring rolls.

How do you make a waterbed bouncier?
Fill it with spring water.

How did the bee brush his hair?
With a honeycomb.

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.

One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”

One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the 'miracle' products, she asked, 'Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?'
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.'
'Oh, you flatterer!' she gushed.
'Hey, wait a minute!' Harold interrupted.
'I haven't added them up yet.'

Good One!!

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

Ghosts like driving fast...especially in a Booooo-gatti....

I like

How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!

Why couldn’t the flower ride a bike?
It lost its petals.

When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.

What do you get when two plants kiss?
Tulips!
　　
　　
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!

What did the dirt say to the rain?
If this keeps up my name will be mud.

Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.