This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
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It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I love Pandas, they're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, and Asian....."
Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keel's over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the Eddie says, 'OK, now what?'
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
One day a pregnant wife announced that she was going to start looking for names for her and her husbands unborn child. When the father had gotten home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that the name was going to be Ophella. The husband (who was quite witty) didn't like the name he said, "That's a good name, it reminds me of this girl I dated in high school." The next day the mother had changed the name to Sarah.
OMG, that is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I can probably appreciate it more than some because I do have an aviation background.
The process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
A trucker came into a truck stop coffee shop and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
That's a Jim Duchy
A computer without Microsoft is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when their neighbors were over for dinner.
The man began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.
Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
LongAfter the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
He said no & hadn't had a beer in years. I said if I give you $20 will you buy race car parts? He again said no, he got rid of his race car 15 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home get you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter. I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & drag racing.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Best. Trade. Ever!
Q: On the first day of school, what did the teacher say her three favorite words were?A: June, July & August.
Is today really August? Or are Julying to me?
Q: Don't June know it's August?A: I can't December.
Q: Knock, knock!A: Who's there?Q: August!A: August... who?Q: A gust of wind over 74 MPH could be the start of a hurricane!
The doctor has given me two months to live. I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year! Me in August, and her in November.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
The Best List in Ages
*My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.
*As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
*Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
*Turns out that being a “senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
*Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."
*I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words: defence, defeat, detail.
Student: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
*I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
*Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
*I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
*My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
*Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.
A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too... but don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that.
Doing that willa disgraca the family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.
submitted 3 hours ago by Saul_g0od
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.
“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I helped farm for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean and safe. And now, I spend my days volunterring for charities and giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that shit!”
Where do bad rainbows go?
Don't worry, it's a light sentence.
It was 2021, a pandemic raged.
A shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"
"A spider" he replies.
"I don't see anything" she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head" he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming.
The man says "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said:
– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.
– There are 10 commandments, not 12.
– There are 12 disciples, not 10.
– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “Bet his ass.”
– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”
– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”
– David slew Goliath, he did not “Kick the crap out of him.”
– When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “Stoned off his ass.”
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful
A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years. Meanwhile, a tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 100 years. And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don’t think so!
From RV Newsletter
There's no "i" in Denial.
A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
"A third theory [on the creation of the Earth] is the one offered by my old theological buddy Bobby Joe Dearing, who speculates that the world was originally created as a science fair project. "The problem," says Bobby Joe, "is that God made it the night before he had to turn it in, and he's probably going to get a 'D' on it."
- John Anders, Dallas Morning News Columnist
We reserve the right to remove posts or to ban anyone who willfully violates the forum rules.
Be friendly and polite. We will not tolerate personal attacks, insults, rudeness, or inflammatory posts.
Avoid bickering or arguing for sport. POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate. Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians.
I decided to buy some chickens so I could have fresh eggs but had to get rid of them,
their language was fowl
The Assassination of Julius Caesar:
Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion: "8/2, Brute..."
Sorry the only responses to your August birthday party invitations are out of office replies!
Q: Do fish go on vacation?
A: No because they're always in school!
Q: Where do sharks go for summer vacation?
Q: Why do bananas use sun screen?
A: Because they peel.
African elephants live in Africa,
Indian elephants live in India
If an Indian elepant travels west across the border, do you call it a
ABBA and Elvis Costello were going to be touring together.
I wonder who is on first?
scientists were amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend.
And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike.” "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!
An old man meets a young man who asks:
“Do you remember me?”
And the old man says no. Then the young man tells him he was his student, And the teacher asks:
“What do you do, what do you do in life?”
The young man answers:
“Well, I became a teacher.”
“ah, how good, like me?” Asks the old man.
“Well, yes. In fact, I became a teacher because you inspired me to be like you.”
The old man, curious, asks the young man at what time he decided to become a teacher. And the young man tells him the following story:
“One day, a friend of mine, also a student, came in with a nice new watch, and I decided I wanted it and I stole it, I took it out of his pocket.
Shortly after, my friend noticed the flight and immediately complained to our teacher, who was you. Then you went to the class:
‘This student's watch was stolen during classes today. Whoever stole it, please return it.’
I didn't give it back because I didn't want to. Then you closed the door and told us all to get up and you were going to search our pockets one by one until the watch was found. But you told us to close our eyes, because you would only look for his watch if we all had our eyes closed.
So we did, and you went from pocket to pocket, and when you went through my pocket, you found the watch and took it. You kept searching everyone's pockets, and when you were done you said
‘open your eyes. We have the watch.’
You didn't tell me and you never mentioned the episode. You never said who stole the watch either. That day you saved my dignity forever. It was the most shameful day of my life.
But this is also the day my dignity was saved and I decided not to become a thief, a bad person, etc. You never said anything, nor even scold me or took me aside to give me a moral lesson, I received your message clearly.
And thanks to you, I understood what a real educator needs to do. Do you remember this episode, professor?
And the professor answers:
‘I remember the situation, the stolen watch, which I was looking for in everyone’s pocket, but I didn't remember you, because I also closed my eyes while looking.’
This is the essence of teaching:
If to correct you must humiliate; you don't know how to teach "
On a cruise ship once an older lady walked up to the cruise director and asked if they used sea water in the ship’s swimming pools? The cruise director replied that they did at which time the lady turned and yelled at her friend, ‘I told you that it was sea water’. (The ship was moving at the time.)
A young blonde woman had a flat tire on the interstate.
She eased her car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk.
She took out two cardboard women, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
As she expected, cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike ladies. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward her. He was definitely not happy.
“What’s going on here?” he asked.
“My car has a flat tire,” the woman said calmly.
“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard women doing here by the road?”
The lady looked flabbergasted that he didn’t know.
“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”
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