Factory Joke Thread – August 2021

Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of its bark.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

I took my wife to a New Year’s Eve party at a local bar. A woman stood up and said, “It’s almost midnight and I want all the husbands to stand next to the one person who made their life worth living.”

As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

Good One!!

It was an im-pasta.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued IT employees was absent, but had not phoned in sick for the day.

Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. “Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I speak with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I speak with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"

Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?" The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."� The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

Everyone keeps posting about Mayweather, but I'm 99% sure it's August.

Looking for a hot date? Pick any day in August, they don't get much hotter than that!

Q: What do you call a Labrador at the beach in August?
A: A hot dog!

Q: What does a bee do when it's hot?
A: He takes off his yellow jacket

Q: Which letter is the coolest?
A: Iced T!

I sent my hearing aid off in the post to be repaired.

It's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything.

Why don't sharks eat clowns,

Because they taste funny

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit looks around and says, "I think I'm a typo."

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.
***************************************************************************************
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
***************************************************************************************
Garmin needs to come out with a GPS specifically for seniors. Something that would not only tell me how to get to my destination, but remind me why I wanted to go there.

A canadian, an american, a mexican, a jamaican, a cuban, a puerto rican, a haitian, an el salvadorean, a venezuelan, a peruvian, a brazilian, a colombian, a chilean, an argentinian, an irishman, a scotsman, a welshman, an englishman, a dutchman, a belgian, a luxembourger, a swiss, a german, an austrian, a dane, a norwegian, a swede, a fin, a czech, a slovak, a pole, an estonian, a lithuanian, a latvian, a russian, a ukrainian, a belarusian, a croat, a bosnian, a serb, a montenegrin, an albanian, a romanian, a bulgarian, a macedonian, a greek, an italian, a sammarinese, a monacoan, a frenchman, an andorran, a spaniard, a catalan, a portuguese, a morroccan, an algerian, a libyan, an egyptian, a mali, a sudanese, an ethiopian, an eritrean, a somali, a nigerian, a togoan, a ghanaian, a botswanan, a rwandan, a liberian, an angolan, a zimbabwean, an afrikaner, an israeli, a palestinian, a syrian, a turk, a georgian, an azerbaijani, a kazakh, an afghan, a jordanian, a yemeni, an omani, a saudi arabian, a kuwaitian, an iranian, a persian, a pakistani, an indian, a bangladeshi, a sri lankan, a chinese, a mongol, a japanese, a north korean, a south korean, a taiwanese, an indonesian, a malay, a cambodian, a viet, a laosian, a singaporean, a papua new guinean, an australian, and a new zealander walk into a club.

The bouncer stops them, and says "sorry gentlemen, there is a dress code. I cant let you in without a thai"

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

Drivin' uber late on Saturday night, got a confusing calll, bit suss, not sure it was going to be safe
got to the pickup point - it was a three headed bloke with one leg and no arms
"hello hello hello, hop in, you look 'armless"

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Good One!!!

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "That is no problem, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

when I started enjoying the music in elevators.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

And here I thought it was only me that it happens to.

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Everyone can now breathe a sigh of relief!

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. We call her Summer for short.

Q: What do you get when you combine an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming trunks!

Q: What do you do if you get rejected from a job at a sun screen factory?
A: Reapply!

Q: What does the sun drink out of?
A: Sunglasses!

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?
A: I'm bacon!

I tried to make a corona virus joke a while back. Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to
his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said. "Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market" said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically" remarked his friend. "

I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she isn't good enough for me".

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market" said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically" remarked his friend. "

I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she isn't good enough for me".

One glitters, the other glows
(sorry for the bad pun)

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.

"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finger.

​

The priest exhales, picks up his golf club, and hits the golf ball again. And again, it just barely misses the hole, rolling off into the grass. The priest stomps his foot in anger and shouts "God dammit I missed!" The nun shakes her head. "If you keep saying that the Lord is gonna strike you down!" she warns again.

​

The priest moves over to the golf ball one more time, swings his club, and the ball goes so tantalizingly close to the hole... before stopping just outside. "God dammit, I missed!" the priest yelled one last time.

​

A bolt of lightning flashed in the sky and soared down, striking the nun and killing her instantly. The priest looks up in shock, fear, and awe as a deep voice booms from the heavens.

​

"GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED!"

Is anything ok?

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

Good One!!

Could find any.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister, and then your brother the same thing. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I love Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few hours and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?”

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied:

"Shite" I didn't recognize you!"