Factory Joke Thread – June 2021

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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Don't read the wall, the

Don't read the wall, the joke's in your hand!

--
Frank DriveSmart55 37.322760, -79.511267

Leave here with a laugh

Leave here with a laugh
I’m driving with this guy and he runs right through a stop sign. 
I say, “Hey, that was a stop sign!” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light!” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green… why are you slowing down?!” He says, “We’re in my neighborhood. My brother might be coming.”

From RV Daily Tips.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The Confessional

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where, before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Jaysus, Mary & Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out tonight, and me without me bloomers on.

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Best suspense

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

They were wrong

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die murdered or in a mysterious unexplained accident."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Twins

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Boston and park themselves on a couple of bar stools.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Budweiser beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim nods.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Budweiser beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive..."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

We got a new power shower.

It says on the box "It feels like your getting showered under Niagara Falls".
The first time i used it i got hit on the head by a bloke in a wooden barrel!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

It's a shame

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.!!!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The military and real

The military and real estate
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker among themselves is because they don’t speak the same language. For instance, here’s what happens after they secure a building.

The Army will post guards around the building. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and then set up headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end.

Groan

Did you hear about the guy who stole a rabbit from the pet shop...
he would have got away with it if he hadn't made a run for it....

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this f*cking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....
On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up,
and saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer,
and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your f*cking BADGE........!!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Going fishing with his boss

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone
for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.
“The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife, she does
exactly what her husband asked.
The following week end he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike, but why didn’t
you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
You’ll love this... The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Please get vaccinated

For all you people that aren't yet vaccinated, go get the Pfizer shot! Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine. Don't forget they also make Viagra. If they can raise the dead...they can save the living.

--
John from PA

Cow!!

Today I shouted “Cow!” to a woman riding a bike.
She gave me the finger, then she ran into a cow. I tried.

A man loses his hat

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor replies, "That's nice to hear. What sin were you about to commit?"

The man replies, "I came here to steal a hat, but your sermon made me change my mind."

The priest says, "May I know what part of my sermon made you see the error of your ways?"

The man replies, "When you reached the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well I have a DhD."

The second says, exasperated, "What the hell is a DhD??"

The first cackles, "You're some doc if you don't know what ADHD is!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?

Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

April and June Were Dating

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together.

But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impression that April was drifting away, and becoming colder. With every day, it felt as though the gap between them grew wider and wider.

June had a suspicion as to what the cause might be- a little hussy by the name of May, who lived on the way from April's home to June's.
June had seen the way May always made eyes at April when they walked past... she always looked smug, as though she knew something June didn't.

One day, the paranoia became simply too much for June. With nowhere else to turn, June enlisted the help of August, a private investigator, to track April's movements, and find out if there really were some grounds to June's fears.August, a diligent detective, set about the task immediately, watching April night and day. No single action, no matter how trivial, escaped August's notice. Each detail was meticulously recorded in a journal.

One day, about a week later, there was a knock at June's door. Nervous to the point of shaking, June opened the door to find August, journal in hand, and with a solemn expression.

"I have bad news, June...""What? What is it?" June panicked, grabbing August by the collar. "Tell me!""I... don't know how to say this, June... I'm sorry. Read the last entry..."With a grimace, August handed June the notebook, already open to the most recent page.

June's eyes scanned down the rows of neat notes, to the very last ones, listed as occuring just 20 minutes prior:

April showers.

Brings May flowers.

Ugh!

Gush wrote:

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together.

But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impression that April was drifting away, and becoming colder. With every day, it felt as though the gap between them grew wider and wider.

June had a suspicion as to what the cause might be- a little hussy by the name of May, who lived on the way from April's home to June's.
June had seen the way May always made eyes at April when they walked past... she always looked smug, as though she knew something June didn't.

One day, the paranoia became simply too much for June. With nowhere else to turn, June enlisted the help of August, a private investigator, to track April's movements, and find out if there really were some grounds to June's fears.August, a diligent detective, set about the task immediately, watching April night and day. No single action, no matter how trivial, escaped August's notice. Each detail was meticulously recorded in a journal.

One day, about a week later, there was a knock at June's door. Nervous to the point of shaking, June opened the door to find August, journal in hand, and with a solemn expression.

"I have bad news, June...""What? What is it?" June panicked, grabbing August by the collar. "Tell me!""I... don't know how to say this, June... I'm sorry. Read the last entry..."With a grimace, August handed June the notebook, already open to the most recent page.

June's eyes scanned down the rows of neat notes, to the very last ones, listed as occuring just 20 minutes prior:

April showers.

Brings May flowers.

Groan! Well there goes three or four minutes I'll get back. crying

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

Groan

[Groan! Well there goes three or four minutes I'll get back. crying [/quote]

I’m sure you mean “ you’ll never get back”
Me either.

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

.

I thought it was a lesbian joke, and just skipped it...

--
nüvi 3790T | nüvi 775T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

Florida

A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.
She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".
She then said "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!".
He then said "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!".
She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done.
He said that he had murdered his first wife!
She was stunned again and after a long pause she said. “So you're SINGLE???”

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Of course

Melaqueman wrote:

[Groan! Well there goes three or four minutes I'll get back. crying

I’m sure you mean “ you’ll never get back”
Me either.

I hate when I make a dumbass mistake like that. crying

Phil

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

Common Sense

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Ummm...

Here's a question for all the mind readers out there.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2021.20 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Smile!!

My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to. She doesn’t have one.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye.
It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

When inmates fall in love do they finish each others sentences?

I was sitting next to my girlfriend when I said, “I love you.”
She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
I said, “It’s me talking to the beer.”

I joined the gym and asked trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”
He said, “The ATM machine”.

A Calming Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda-pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ”Easy, John, we won’t be long. Easy, boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay John, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and granddad says again in a very controlled voice, “OK, now John, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five short minutes; stay cool, John.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. John is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m John. that little brat’s name is Kevin.”

Rules

"It's important to understand the rules so you know how to properly break them."

Liquid form of Viagra

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

--
John from PA

My can opener is broken.

I'm going to try selling it online as a can't opener.

In a recent magazine article

It was revealed that 10% of women have used vibrators.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.The other 90% have new ones.

--
"As life runs on, the road grows strange with faces new - and near the end. The milestones into headstones change, Neath every one a friend." - James Russell Lowell Garmin StreetPilot C330, Garmin NUVI 765T, Garmin DriveSmart 60LMT

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Playing the Game

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Month Length Reminder

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can goof off, son.Pay the same bills but get less timeAnd guess if you get 28 or 29.”

Month Length Reminder

Yuppers

Homecoming

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, also totally nude. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche; I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger fishing boat. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your golf trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4 truck. HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues. And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold."

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

LOL Good Stuff

I need remember to check this thread more regularly. I need a some good laughs today.

And God looked down

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Technology

I hate audio correct.

Technology

scott_dog wrote:

I hate audio correct.

LOL ....Good one!

--
If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem quickly resembles a nail. (Maslow's Hammer)

It's a simple fix

scott_dog wrote:

I hate audio correct.

Don't listen!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Bad Luck

As she sat beside him in his hospital bed, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You've been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

Expert

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

great jokes

Here's old one:

Opinions are like a**holes: everybody has one.

Polish brides

What does a Polish Bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

A new last name of course!

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

Two scottish girls

Two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

Bartender said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

"Oh, I am terribly sorry about that", says the bartender

"So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two Blondes doing a crossword.

First Blonde: I got a real tricky question here.

Second Blonde: What's the clue.?

First Blonde: Someone who delivers the mail.

Second Blonde: How many letters.?

First Blonde: F***ing hundreds.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Child's Mind

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, their insight might surprise you:

1. Don’t change horses... 'until they stop running'.

2. Strike while... 'the bug is close'.

3. It’s always darkest before... 'Daylight Saving Time'.

4. Never underestimate the power of... 'termites'.

5. You can lead a horse to water but... 'How?'

6. Don’t bite the hand that... 'looks dirty'.

7. No news is... 'impossible'.

8. A miss is as good as... 'a Mr.'

9. You can’t teach an old dog new... 'Math'.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll... 'stink in the morning'.

11. Love all, trust... 'Me'.

12. The pen is mightier than the... 'pigs'.

13. An idle mind... 'is the best way to relax'.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s... 'pollution'.

15. Happy the bride who... 'gets all the presents'.

16. A penny saved is... 'not much'.

17. Two’s company, three’s... 'the Musketeers'.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what you... 'put on to go to bed'.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... 'You have to blow your nose'.

20. There are none so blind as... 'Stevie Wonder'.

21. Children should be seen and not... 'spanked or grounded'.

22. If at first you don’t succeed... 'get new batteries'.

23. You get out of something only what you... 'See in the picture on the box'.

24. When the blind lead the blind... 'get out of the way'.

25. A bird in the hand is... 'going to poop on you'.

26. Better late than... 'pregnant'.

Simple math

My dear wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset- I shall be home before midnight.
When the man gets home late that night he found a letter on the dining room table:
My dear husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary is 22 years old. As a successful business man who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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