Factory Joke Thread – June 2021

MY HEART IS BROKEN INTO PIECES RIGHT NOW!!! I’M IN TOTAL DISBELIEF... FACE FULL OF TEARS. HOW DO YOU KILL YOUR OWN BROTHER??? THEN TRY TO KILL HIS SON, WHICH IS YOUR OWN NEPHEW! HOW?!
THIS JUST AIN'T RIGHT... THIS IS TOTALLY MESSED UP! THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN IS OUT OF CONTROL !!!
PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS. I REALLY NEED IT... I'M HOME, WATCHING LION KING... ITS GOT MY FEELINGS ALL TORE UP.....

Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!
"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at
the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.' "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
"You're on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened?” asked Connie.
"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
Life is short...
Break the rules...

A 70 year old man went to see his doctor. He tells the doctor that after his second round of golf every day his knees are sore.

Amazed, the doctor asks, "You’re still playing two rounds of golf a day at age 70? You must have good genes. How old was your father when he passed away?"

The man responded, "Who said he’s dead? He turns 90 next month. He only plays one round of golf a day."

”Wow!” says the doctor, “90 years old and a round of golf a day! How old was your grandfather when he died?”

The patient replies, “Who said he’s dead?”

Quite surprised, the doctor asks, “Your grandfather is still alive?“

The old man replies: “Yes he turns 108 next month… and he’s getting married.”

Doctor: “Why would a 108 year old man want to get married?”

Patient: “Who said he wanted to?"

If olive oil is made from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

To which he responded "Found the remote".

I'm sure my house is haunted, the ghost keeps going around straightening all the crooked pictures,

I think it's a spirit level

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of natives attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt, without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

​

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.

​

Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.

​

"Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."

​

"Ahh, right" said the children.

.

.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole."

​

"Hmmmm," Mr Dickinson said, "How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I'll be darned. I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"

​

"Yes," said Little Johnny, He asked me to tell you, "Take a flute and shove it up your butt"!

Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde. ‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

How do they know when to flare just before the ground? When the leash goes limp.

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes.

Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

And that, my friends, is a great attitude.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

After a few moments have passed, the man puts his cap back on and returns to his golfing.

“Wow,” his friend utters, “that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

Good One!!

"Doc, I’m starting to forget things."
"When did you start having this problem?"
"What problem?"

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a charming lady giving him the eye. In a casual manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the reception desk and checked in as Mr and Mrs.
After a three-day stay the man walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he would be checking out. The clerk presented him with the bill, which was for $1,750.
“There seems to be a mistake here,” the man protested. “I have been here only three days!”
“Yes,” replied the clerk, “but your wife has been here a month.”

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

SORRY

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must always watch your step.”

The sisters are very cautious throughout their first days there, however the oldest sister accidentally steps on a duck. God then came walking up with this ugly man and handcuffed the man to the oldest sister. God said “As a punishment for stepping on A duck you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this man.” The other sisters knowing the punishment take extra caution over the next couple of days. Unfortunately the middle sister could not avoid it anymore and accidentally stepped on a duck. Again god walked up and handcuffed a hideous man to the middle sister for eternity. The youngest sister made sure to always watch her step and after about a month or so god came walking up to her with an attractive young man and handcuffed them together. God then started to walk away when the youngest sister stoped him and said “ But god, I did not step on a duck” To which god replied “Yes, but he did”

What’s God’s favorite food? Chicken, that’s why so many things taste like chicken.

I see people my age out mountain climbing and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

from RV newsletter

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you were not sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.