Factory Joke Thread – April 2021

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Ruth was at the family doctor's for her yearly physical. The physician was an old family friend as well as their physician.

After pronouncing her healthy, he asked Ruth about her husband, who hadn't been in for a while. "How's Jim doing?"

She replied, "Oh he's fine. But lately he hasn't ... well, let's just say that he hasn't had the wherewithal to do it all."

The doctor sighed and said, "Just have Jim come in and see me, I'll write him a prescription for Viagra and he'll be as good as new. Many of my patients use it as they are getting on it years. It really is quite effective."

Ruth looked at him and said, "He won't do it. He won't admit to you that he has a problem. He won't even admit to himself that he has a problem."

The doctor shook his head. "Pride is a terrible thing. Ruth, I'll tell you what we will do. I'll write the scrip and you go have it filled. In the morning, grind one of them up and slip it in his morning coffee. It will start to work and he will think it is only nature taking its course. Problem solved"

Ruth said, "That sounds easy enough. I can do that."

The doctor ran into Ruth a couple of weeks later and asked whether their plan had worked. She replied, "Doctor, I am so mad about that I can't see straight!"

He looked at her and said, "What happened, did you grind it up like I told you?"

She responded, "I ground it up, put it in his morning coffee and pretty soon it must have taken effect. He grabbed me, threw me on the table and rips off my clothes. He then rips off his own clothes and in a moment we're acting like a couple of newlyweds."

The doctor then stated, "Well what's the problem? I thought that was what you wanted."

She said, "You don't understand, Doc. They've banned us from McDonald's for life!"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, 'Let's take this shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The little old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

This one is a real decent groaner!

Thanks for nothing!

Two grandmas, Agnes and Mary, are meeting at a café.

They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Mary, you seem to have a suppository stuck in your left ear…”

Mary is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer :
As sad as the event was, Princess Diana's death is an example of what defines Globalization.

Question: How come?

Answer :
An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky (check the bottle before you challenge the spelling), followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian made medications.

This is sent to you by a American, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally.

That, my friends, is Globalization

A duck walks into a bar and says "Do you have duck food here?"

The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have duck food?"

The bartender says "No."

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says "I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender says "No."

"Do you have any duck food?"

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandparents for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.  
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 
'Grandpa, it isn't Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.   And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

When the CEO dropped a brownie on his calculator, he was accused of fudging the numbers.

Why did the man get so sad when his computer had a virus? It was a terminal illness.

I think I’m failing my marine biology class. My grade is below C level.

Did you hear about how oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.

Q: Which crime fighter likes April the most? A: Robin

Q: When do gorillas fall from the sky? A: During Ape-ril showers
.
Q: Why is April so popular for using a trampoline? A: It’s Spring-time!

Q: What do you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks in April? A: FOUL spring weather.

Q: Which April flowers grow on faces? A: Tulips (2 lips).

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.

But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort. When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him. Written on it in large black letters was the message:

“Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week. I’ll be round to remove the tape later.”

Did you know that Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

I was going to tell a construction joke.
But I'm still working on it.

“I didn’t see you at camouflage practice early this morning, Corporal Ryan!” “Thank you, sir!”

Robinson Crusoe is the only person I know who had all of his work done by Friday

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of his paws, whereas a comma is a pause at the end of a clause

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

My obese parrot just passed away. At least that’s a weight off my shoulders

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Somebody who’s up all night wondering if there’s a dog

There are 11 kinds of people: those who get binary and those who don’t

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.

They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and
are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

"Which one of you is playing the orange ball...?"

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.

Accused: Hahahaha

Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”

“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

It is a little-known fact that the four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside. They turned on the air conditioner and within minutes the car had cooled considerably.

Henry Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown on the dash. To this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

deleted 2nd entry. Computer slow this AM

A Rabbi and a Catholic priest meet and must sit together on a bus.
 
After a bit, the priest turns to the Rabbi and asks: "Is it still a   requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
 
The Rabbi responds: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.
 
The Priest then asks: "Have you ever eaten pork?"  
 
To which the Rabbi quickly looks away, then faces his newly-met companion and replies: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
 
A while later, the Rabbi speaks up and asks the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
 
The Priest replies: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
 
The Rabbi then asks him: "Father, have you ever fallen prey to the temptations of the flesh?"
 
The Priest frowns, but replies: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
 
The Rabbi nods understandingly and remains silently thinking for about five minutes.
 
Finally, the Rabbi says: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

opens her door

turn on the light

and she yells towards upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake？”

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

​

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impression that April was drifting away, and becoming colder. With every day, it felt as though the gap between them grew wider and wider. June had a suspicion as to what the cause might be- a little hussy by the name of May, who lived on the way from April's home to June's. June had seen the way May always made eyes at April when they walked past... she always looked smug, as though she knew something June didn't.

One day, the paranoia became simply too much for June. With nowhere else to turn, June enlisted the help of August, a private investigator, to track April's movements, and find out if there really were some grounds to June's fears.August, a diligent detective, set about the task immediately, watching April night and day. No single action, no matter how trivial, escaped August's notice. Each detail was meticulously recorded in a journal.

One day, about a week later, there was a knock at June's door. Nervous to the point of shaking, June opened the door to find August, journal in hand, and with a solemn expression."I have bad news, June...""What? What is it?" June panicked, grabbing August by the collar. "Tell me!""I... don't know how to say this, June... I'm sorry. Read the last entry...

"With a grimace, August handed June the notebook, already open to the most recent page. June's eyes scanned down the rows of neat notes, to the very last ones, listed as occuring just 20 minutes prior:

April showers.

Brings May flowers.

Good one made me chuckle, but true

Brenda O'Malley
is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell
ya."
"Of course you
can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what
I'm here to be tellin' ya Brenda. There was an accident down at the
Guinness Brewery ..."
"Oh no!" cries
Brenda. "Please don't tell me .."
"I must,
Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm so
sorry."
Finally, she
looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was
terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my
dear! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda
.... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

I named my dog sex to be different thinking it would be fun at the park I took sex for a walk one day and she got of the Leash and took off. I went running after her yelling . here sex !
come now . Here sex ! . I police officer stop's me and asked what are you doing ? I replied looking for sex . You can't to that.. No she is a dog.. It doesn't matter what she looks like .... I go to court next week...