Factory Joke Thread – April 2021

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Text message exchange

Husband: You are negative

Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all your life you've not fulfilled even one promise. It is only I who is putting up with such a miser and insensitive man. You are a good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.

Husband: I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative.

Wife: Oh....sorry!

--
John from PA

HUSBAND'S PRESPECTIVE

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Why do men die before their wives? They want to. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said: "God, I wish I had your will power." """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive." """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/random/joke553.html

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Catching Unique Birds

How to catch a unique bird: Unique up on it.

How to catch a tame unique bird: Tame way, unique up on it.

A mystery!

Someone broke into a police station and stole all of the toilets.

Police released a statement that they had nothing to go on.

Someone broke into the local

Someone broke into the local bake shop and stole the middle from a lot of the pastries. Police are investigating but they think the Bakers story has holes in it.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

Moshe perks up. So, the doctor says, "You and your wife must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

Moshe agrees to talk it over with his wife Zelda. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Curious Wife

"Honey," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.

After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

HUSBAND'S PRESPECTIVE

Hey be nice

April Jokes

The bank man asked me my birthday. I said April 17.
He said "Yes, What year?"
I said, "Every year"

If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?
A BOXING MATCH

Will the quarantine end on April 30th?
Well, it May!

What do you call a guy who posts a joke on April Fools
Banned.

What do you call a hammer bought 0n April 1st?
April tool

On his death bed

An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer.

Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't brin
money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me." With this being said he hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.

After his funeral the three are discussing the money. The doctor says, "I have to confess something. I've really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in."

The priest follows, "I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible."

The lawyer lashes out at them, "You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000."

The doctor replies, "Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?"

The lawyer replies, "He was a good man so I wrote him a check for the full amount."

CHECK THIS OUT
Mgid
Mgid

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Blonde and The Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on

the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools

together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a

circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice

boomed,”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a

thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO

FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the

opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and

tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER

THE ICE!” She stopped, looked skyward! and said, “IS THAT

YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE

HOCKEY RINK!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good one!

I think Ill stay single LOL

Remember, hard work pays off in the end!

Unfortunately laziness pays off now.

Leave here with a laugh

What’s the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, “Give me all your money!!” And the professional thief says, “Sign here on the line, please.”

From RV Daily newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Resurrected Rabbit...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

The Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."

Wedding night

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

''Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me". Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

And they lived happily ever after.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One

Thanks for the laugh.

--
Nuvi 2460LMT 2 Units

A Pregnant Woman Saw a Man Smiling at Her on the Bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.

The case was dismissed.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Funny

John from PA wrote:

Husband: You are negative

Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all your life you've not fulfilled even one promise. It is only I who is putting up with such a miser and insensitive man. You are a good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.

Husband: I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative.

Wife: Oh....sorry!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Red tomatoes

Good one, cukes liked it too!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Red Tomatoes

It works on carrots too!!!!!!!

But you ought to see what it

But you ought to see what it does to bananas!

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Cabbie's naughty request

A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.

She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.

The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”

April Joke 2

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City...

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City on April 4. The ticket costs $44 and he notices that the ticket number is 4444. He finds the train at platform 4 and his seat is in train car 4, seat number 44. The train leaves at exactly 4:44.

When he arrives, he goes to the hotel that is on 44 West 44th Street and for some reason the hotel room number is 444.

The man is a it spooked by all these fours following him, but he gets an idea. He goes to the race track and places a $44 444 bet on horse number 4.

And, believe it or not, >!horse number 4 finishes at 4th place.!<

Cute

TheBeachBum wrote:

A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”

Well done.

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

Feminine words & expressions

These are words or expressions that have unique meaning when ssaid by women.

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. This means your facts may be right but you are still wrong.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
If a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

Whatever
Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' for which the woman's response is "nothing". See definition above.

--
John from PA

Feminine Words & Expressions

That's what I was told 50 yrs ago, I thought it was the rule. surprised

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

.

It's amazing how passive-aggressive women are.

And, why I prefer to be single...

--
nüvi 3790T | nüvi 775T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

Feminine words and expressions

No truer words have been spoken/written.

Long ago I knew something was bugging her, when I asked the reply was always “Nothing”.
I guess we’re supposed to be mind readers.

Yes Juggernaut that’s why I have also stayed single since.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Warning Will Robinson! WARNING! WARNING!

Melaqueman wrote:

Yes Juggernaut that’s why I have also stayed single since.

Redeem this card for one pair of SPACE PANTS.

For some unknown reason, you think you have an ass that's out of this world!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

A most idiotic comment

BarneyBadass wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

Yes Juggernaut that’s why I have also stayed single since.

Redeem this card for one pair of SPACE PANTS.

For some unknown reason, you think you have an ass that's out of this world!

Only you know what the heck you’re talking about BB !!!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

I Didn't repeat my first mistake

Juggernaut wrote:

It's amazing how passive-aggressive women are.

And, why I prefer to be single...

Melaqueman wrote:

No truer words have been spoken/written.

Long ago I knew something was bugging her, when I asked the reply was always “Nothing”.
I guess we’re supposed to be mind readers.

Yes Juggernaut that’s why I have also stayed single since.

Well it appears I'm not the only single guy here. I was married for 14 years but I've been single for the past 40 years. I had two children from my marriage but when the divorce took place, my children stayed with me and I didn't repeat my first mistake.

Definition of a bachelor !

A bachelor is a guy who has not made the same mistake once !

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Reminds me of ...

... the old Benny Hill skit where he's a game show host questioning Jackie Wright :

Benny: What is a bachelor?

Jackie: A man who hasn't thought seriously about getting married?

Benny: A man who HAS thought seriously about getting married.

Breeding

At a social gathering, the lady from Boston said "In Boston, we put our emphasis entirely on breeding".

And the lady from Philadelphia said "In Philadelphia, we think it's a lot of fun, but we do other things too".

Ask not ...

I know someone who does a great owl impression ...

Breeding

Same Here LOl