Factory Joke Thread – November 2020

Hey I know a lot of smart blonds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good One!!

Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies!

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where Mother Superior was taking a shower.

“There is a blind man to see you,” the nun announced.

“Send him to my quarters,” Mother Superior replied, thinking there was no need to hurry and get dressed if he was blind.

The blind man walks into her room, and Mother Superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on.

Several minutes later, the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but really, you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”

What surfboards become after they grow up and give up on their dreams.

The English translation for the motel chain La Quinta is Next to Denny's.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?A: He suspected fowl play.

Q: What sound does a limping turkey make?A: "Wobble, wobble!"

Q: Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?A: A turkey, because it is always stuffed.

Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?A: Twerk-ey!

Q: What do you call an evil turkey?A: Poultry-geist.

Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?A: Boy, I'm stuffed!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older… this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?"
Him: "To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers."

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember… don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway, and that’s how the fight started.

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are.

I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to the question, "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster - noun: The ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks, and the next day you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure that I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around at our family and thought, “Well, aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember… don’t sing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's a Dandy one

One evening last week，my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well，the passion starts to heat up，and she eventually says，‘I don‘t feel like it，I just want you to hold me.‘

I said，‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....

‘You are just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.‘

She responded to my puzzled look by saying，‘Can‘t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?‘

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night，I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big，big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn‘t decide which one to take，so I told her we‘d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes，so I said，‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.‘

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn‘t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said，‘That‘s fine，honey.‘ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation，she finally said，‘I think this is all dear，let‘s go to the cashier.‘

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out，‘No honey，I don‘t feel like it.‘

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled，‘WHAT?‘

I then said，‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You are just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.‘

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me，I added，‘Why can‘t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?‘

Apparently I am not having sex tonight.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: ‟Jen, is the cat there?” ‟Yes”, the wife answers, ‟why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, ‟Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I am lost and need directions!”

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death.

He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned".

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so" said the foreman "He got out three times to go to the men's room".

That means I talk down to people.

Good One!!

Little Billy was having trouble in school. His teacher constantly yelled at him; “You’re driving me crazy, Billy! Can’t you learn anything”
Billy’s mother met with his teacher at Fall conferences.
The teacher told her Billy was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant little boy in all of her teaching career. Billy’s mom, shocked at this feedback, withdrew her son immediately and moved from Detroit to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac disease.
Her doctors advised open heart surgery and that only one surgeon in the Cleveland Clinic could perform the procedure. The teacher decided to have the procedure, which was remarkably successful at the Cleveland Clinic. In the recovery room, she saw the young doctor who headed her surgical team, smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him.

Instead, her face suddenly turned blue as she tried to speak and then she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went suddenly wrong. When the doctor turned to leave the room, he saw that Billy, the janitor at the Cleveland Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought that Billy had become the heart-surgeon, then you’ve been reading too many inspirational stories.

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.

When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You are wearing glasses on your driver's license and you're not now.

I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."