Factory Joke Thread – October 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Football

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a fishing trip. He tells his wife that they will be back in a week. A week passes. Then a month. Then two. Three months pass with no word, and the wife begins to lose hope. However, one day, she saw two figures approaching from the horizon, dragging the biggest fish she’d ever seen. She runs to her husband and child and says, “Wow! That fish is gigantic!” The fisherman says, “Well, it’s actually a funny story. We spent a week at sea, with no luck. However, on the last day, this beast jumped up on the deck and ate Toward whole! For three months I fought the fish, until eventually I was able to defeat it and cut Toward free.” “That’s amazing!”, the wife says to her son, “but where’s your brother?” The fisherman interrupts and says, “Well, if you think this guy is big, you should have seen the one that got Away!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ironic

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

(Sorry for the bad pun)

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine. Enjoy your emails !!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Global Facts About Sex

Liked this one. laugh out loud

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Funny

Melaqueman wrote:

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine. Enjoy your emails !!

Perhaps "Sunshine" is able to multitask (unlike me) and still get the job done. grin wink

--
Nuvi 2460LMT 2 Units

3 brothers enter the hospital room of their dying parents

3 brothers enter the hospital room of their dying parents who have lived a long life of exploring and treasure hunting.

Their parents greet them, and tell them of the last adventure they were unable to complete. “There’s a cave down in South America, deep in the jungle of Brazil. Go there are find the treasure we have been searching for the last 20 years. We know you the three of you will find it.”

The brothers leave to prepare for their journey, their hearts heavy from their parents passing, but set with vindictive courage determined to find this mysterious cave.

3 years later the brothers are hopeless, having found no evidence of such a cave in the Brazil’s jungles. They make it back to their parents house eventually... where they find a little glass bottle on top of the fridge, with a scroll rolled up inside.

The first brother uncorks the bottle and gets the scroll out, starting to unroll it. crinkle crinkle The paper is very brittle.

On it reveals a clear path through Brazil to where this mysterious cave might be. They only wish they knew about this treasure map 3 years ago... but alas, their journey begins.

Finally, within the Brazilian forests they arrive at the steps of a vine-encased stairway surrounded by foliage. There’s is no sign or anything but this IS where their parents’ treasure map led them to.

The brothers take each other by hand and begin to descend. After what seems like 1,000 steps they finally reach a dim torch-lit room with three doors. One door has a fire symbol. One door has a water symbol. And the last door has a question mark.

Bewildered by these symbols the first brother decides to take one for the team and enters the fire door. It slams behind him as he descends another 1,000 stairs. Finally reaching the bottom he finds red Rubies scattered about the floor in piles he could never have imagined! He begins gathering rubies into sacks he brought and once he picks up the last ruby.. he notices a fireball start to form in the corner of the room. So he lifts his sacks in an adrenaline-fueled rush and bee-lines it for the door, 1,000 stairs up. He just barely makes it out, slamming the door on the fireball behind him.

His brothers are impressed by his riches that he gathered! While also afraid that the fire door housed a killer fireball. But the second brother can’t be outdone by the first.

He makes his way down the stairs of the water symbol door. Making it to the bottom of the steps he finds sapphires scattered everywhere and begins to gather them up. He picks up the last sapphire and water immediately begins seeping in from all corners of the room... In a rushed panic he picks up his sacks of sapphires and trudges through the water, barely making it up the stairs and closing the door before the water level rose enough to kill him and his brothers.

The third brother is now wildly impressed with his first two brothers’ riches! And also terrified to open this third door and see what evils may linger behind a question mark symbol.

He gathers up some courage and enters. This time there are only 10 steps. He finds rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds galore! There are so many treasures he fills up 4, 5, 6 enormous sacks of gems and.. nothing happens. He picks up his treasures and barely manages to make it up those 10 steps with all the extra weight.

His brothers are ASTOUNDED. How did you get all that treasure?! Why did nothing attack YOU?!

Nevertheless, the boys returned home with their respective treasures, feeling fulfilled by completing their parents goal.

The first brother celebrates by buying a nice house on a lake in Texas, getting all sorts of fun toys and things to play with considering his newfound fortune. Years go by, and one day there is a gas leak in his kitchen. As he leans in to examine the issue, a fireball explodes in his face and kills him in a fiery death.

The very same day years later, the second brother was out enjoying a margarita on the beach, in front of his new beach mansion. Those sapphires really paid off for him to live a stress free life! That is until a tsunami forms faster than ever and engulfs the beach, claiming the second brother’s life before he or his margarita knew it.

Now the third brother hears about the tragic deaths of his brothers.. and recalls the fire door, and the water door which relate to his brothers’ deaths. Since he doesn’t know what to expect he begins to prepare for the worst. As he had saved his jewels and not lived an extravagant lifestyle the past few years, he had plenty of wealth to invest in a castle with a drawbridge and an alligator moat. An entire team of armed guards was set up for 24 hour lookout and protection.

Weeks go by and there is no cause for any alarm. Until one day where he gets a dispatch on his Walkie-talkie, “Psshhhhk- hello sir, you may want to have a look at this.. uh, I’m not sure how else to describe it. We have identified a.. floating coffin? It seems to be headed in our direction at a steady pace.. just ominously floating.”

The brother immediately heads to the lookout tower to get a glimpse through binoculars. And then he sees it. The floating coffin has a big question mark on the front of it.. floating directly towards him 1,000 meters away. He immediately recognizes this as the question mark on the door where he found his treasures.

In a panic, he yells into his walkie talkie, “Psshhhk- ATTENTION ALL GUARDS, DO NOT LET THAT THING INTO THIS CASTLE. OPEN FIRE, RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE! DO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT ME!!”

He then makes his way to the deepest, most secluded portion of his castle, ending up in a guest bathroom underground where he was holed up waiting for his fate to arrive.

His guards radio in as he starts to hear rumbling and crashing upstairs above him.

“Psshhhk- SIR! Sir.. we can’t stop it. Our bullets just bounce off it it! It just floated over the moat and crashed through our drawbridge!! It is coming for you.. we can———“ and the walkie falls silent.

In a panic the brother starts to look for anything he might be able to use to defend himself... he really is at a disadvantage in this guest bathroom as all he can find is an old rusty razor and a bottle of NyQuil. He thinks just maybe he could try and slice at it with the razor and maybe use the bottle of NyQuil as a projectile.

Soon enough, he hears the coffin crashing through the outer door, and CRASH the bathroom door shatters into pieces as the big question mark fills his view. Quickly, he throws the bottle of NyQuil and lunges at the coffin with the razor in hand... but he swings at nothing.. the coffin had vanished into thin air as soon as the NyQuil made contact.

And that’s when he realized.. NyQuil stops the coffin.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me."

"Then why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

(No subject)

grin

Widows

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " "So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Living the life!

I used to live the life of Riley. Fast cars, world vacations, non-stop partying.

Then Riley reported his credit card was missing.

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.....

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Dad Jokes Part 3

What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?" The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

Now this is 10 minutes of my life I will never get back!

Timantide wrote:

3 brothers enter the hospital room of their dying parents who have lived a long life of exploring and treasure hunting.

Their parents greet them, and tell them of the last adventure they were unable to complete. “There’s a cave down in South America, deep in the jungle of Brazil. Go there are find the treasure we have been searching for the last 20 years. We know you the three of you will find it.”

The brothers leave to prepare for their journey, their hearts heavy from their parents passing, but set with vindictive courage determined to find this mysterious cave.

3 years later the brothers are hopeless, having found no evidence of such a cave in the Brazil’s jungles. They make it back to their parents house eventually... where they find a little glass bottle on top of the fridge, with a scroll rolled up inside.

The first brother uncorks the bottle and gets the scroll out, starting to unroll it. crinkle crinkle The paper is very brittle.

On it reveals a clear path through Brazil to where this mysterious cave might be. They only wish they knew about this treasure map 3 years ago... but alas, their journey begins.

Finally, within the Brazilian forests they arrive at the steps of a vine-encased stairway surrounded by foliage. There’s is no sign or anything but this IS where their parents’ treasure map led them to.

The brothers take each other by hand and begin to descend. After what seems like 1,000 steps they finally reach a dim torch-lit room with three doors. One door has a fire symbol. One door has a water symbol. And the last door has a question mark.

Bewildered by these symbols the first brother decides to take one for the team and enters the fire door. It slams behind him as he descends another 1,000 stairs. Finally reaching the bottom he finds red Rubies scattered about the floor in piles he could never have imagined! He begins gathering rubies into sacks he brought and once he picks up the last ruby.. he notices a fireball start to form in the corner of the room. So he lifts his sacks in an adrenaline-fueled rush and bee-lines it for the door, 1,000 stairs up. He just barely makes it out, slamming the door on the fireball behind him.

His brothers are impressed by his riches that he gathered! While also afraid that the fire door housed a killer fireball. But the second brother can’t be outdone by the first.

He makes his way down the stairs of the water symbol door. Making it to the bottom of the steps he finds sapphires scattered everywhere and begins to gather them up. He picks up the last sapphire and water immediately begins seeping in from all corners of the room... In a rushed panic he picks up his sacks of sapphires and trudges through the water, barely making it up the stairs and closing the door before the water level rose enough to kill him and his brothers.

The third brother is now wildly impressed with his first two brothers’ riches! And also terrified to open this third door and see what evils may linger behind a question mark symbol.

He gathers up some courage and enters. This time there are only 10 steps. He finds rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds galore! There are so many treasures he fills up 4, 5, 6 enormous sacks of gems and.. nothing happens. He picks up his treasures and barely manages to make it up those 10 steps with all the extra weight.

His brothers are ASTOUNDED. How did you get all that treasure?! Why did nothing attack YOU?!

Nevertheless, the boys returned home with their respective treasures, feeling fulfilled by completing their parents goal.

The first brother celebrates by buying a nice house on a lake in Texas, getting all sorts of fun toys and things to play with considering his newfound fortune. Years go by, and one day there is a gas leak in his kitchen. As he leans in to examine the issue, a fireball explodes in his face and kills him in a fiery death.

The very same day years later, the second brother was out enjoying a margarita on the beach, in front of his new beach mansion. Those sapphires really paid off for him to live a stress free life! That is until a tsunami forms faster than ever and engulfs the beach, claiming the second brother’s life before he or his margarita knew it.

Now the third brother hears about the tragic deaths of his brothers.. and recalls the fire door, and the water door which relate to his brothers’ deaths. Since he doesn’t know what to expect he begins to prepare for the worst. As he had saved his jewels and not lived an extravagant lifestyle the past few years, he had plenty of wealth to invest in a castle with a drawbridge and an alligator moat. An entire team of armed guards was set up for 24 hour lookout and protection.

Weeks go by and there is no cause for any alarm. Until one day where he gets a dispatch on his Walkie-talkie, “Psshhhhk- hello sir, you may want to have a look at this.. uh, I’m not sure how else to describe it. We have identified a.. floating coffin? It seems to be headed in our direction at a steady pace.. just ominously floating.”

The brother immediately heads to the lookout tower to get a glimpse through binoculars. And then he sees it. The floating coffin has a big question mark on the front of it.. floating directly towards him 1,000 meters away. He immediately recognizes this as the question mark on the door where he found his treasures.

In a panic, he yells into his walkie talkie, “Psshhhk- ATTENTION ALL GUARDS, DO NOT LET THAT THING INTO THIS CASTLE. OPEN FIRE, RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE! DO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT ME!!”

He then makes his way to the deepest, most secluded portion of his castle, ending up in a guest bathroom underground where he was holed up waiting for his fate to arrive.

His guards radio in as he starts to hear rumbling and crashing upstairs above him.

“Psshhhk- SIR! Sir.. we can’t stop it. Our bullets just bounce off it it! It just floated over the moat and crashed through our drawbridge!! It is coming for you.. we can———“ and the walkie falls silent.

In a panic the brother starts to look for anything he might be able to use to defend himself... he really is at a disadvantage in this guest bathroom as all he can find is an old rusty razor and a bottle of NyQuil. He thinks just maybe he could try and slice at it with the razor and maybe use the bottle of NyQuil as a projectile.

Soon enough, he hears the coffin crashing through the outer door, and CRASH the bathroom door shatters into pieces as the big question mark fills his view. Quickly, he throws the bottle of NyQuil and lunges at the coffin with the razor in hand... but he swings at nothing.. the coffin had vanished into thin air as soon as the NyQuil made contact.

And that’s when he realized.. NyQuil stops the coffin.

Joke thread huh?

OK, first presidential debate....

OK, I'm back off politics.

--
Striving to make the NYC Metro area project the best.

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.

“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”

“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said no.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Young Man Was About To Propose Marriage To His Girlfriend...

That one is awesome

Attention please

ATTENTION PLEASE
A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the GF. He paid $500 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding (Covid postponed).
He is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at the Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Megan, she's 5'4", about 50 kgs, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
Let me know if anyone is interested.

Senior citizens are the leading carriers of AIDS

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

--
John from PA

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A farmer separated the bulls and cows

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.

Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.

The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.

The consultant explained: "First of all.. stand 60 feet away from the wall. Then run at 60mph. Then jump at a 60° angle. Do what you want then come back the same way."

The bull asked: "But what if I mess up with the calculations and lose my BALLs in the barbed wires?"

The consultant said:" Then you become a consultant."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new wardrob

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, the woman assembles the wardrobe again, making sure she follows the instructions exactly. When she finishes all looks perfect, but a few minutes later a bus passes, and again the wardrobe falls to pieces!

At this point the woman has had enough, and calls customer support to explain the wardrobe she bought collapsed whenever a bus passed. The man on the other end insists that they provide any service necessary for the proper installation of their furniture, and sends over the very carpenter who designed the wardrobe to help. The carpenter watches as the woman assembles, seemingly perfectly, the wardrobe. And yet, as the next bus passes it falls to pieces again!

Determined to figure out the issue, the carpenter helps her rebuild the wardrobe and enters inside to see exactly what happens when a bus passes. Suddenly the woman's husband bursts through the front door, demanding to know why the neighbors had texted him saying a strange man had been in their house for hours.

Surging through the house he throws open doors, until he comes across the new wardrobe. He opens the wardrobe to reveal the carpenter inside, and demands to knows what he was doing there. Shocked, the carpenter says:

"Would you believe me if I said I'm waiting for the bus?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Aphorisms (I had to look it up, too)

- If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
- Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- When everything is coming your way, you`re in the wrong lane.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
- A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Auto Correct...

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks confused. The rabbit says "I don't know either, I am only here by autocorrect".

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Puns for Educated Minds

1.. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
"Keep off the Grass".
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion .
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Bubba and Earl

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, they peeled off the labels, threw the empties out of sight & put labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch.

If At First You Don't Succeed

TheBeachBum wrote:

- If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
- Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- When everything is coming your way, you`re in the wrong lane.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
- A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

One of my favorite quotes is by Curly Howard of The Three Stooges, "If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking 'til you do succeed."

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense!

Sex Story

Famed Sexologist Dr Bob, will appear tomorrow 7pm to speak on his subject of expertise

Absolutely packed auditorium
the MC says "Finally the highlight of the evening Dr.Bob"

Dr Bob stands up and begins his speech

"Ladies and Gentlemen, It gives me great pleasure"
and sits down

--
If only ..

More Dad Jokes

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."

"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."

"I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"

"Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"

"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

Puns For Educated Minds

I like

What?

I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else.  A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?  I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.   "She  didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

two fonts left a bar

Turned out it wasn't their type.

We were visiting Gatlinburg

We were visiting Gatlinburg a couple years ago and walked into a pancake house that had just opened for the morning. The hostess looked at my wife and I who where the only people in the place besides her. She immediately asks (like they all do) "How Many?"

Without missing a beat I told her 100. Her eyes got big and I continued "The other 98 will be in later. Oh, separate checks please."

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Illiterate? Write for free help.

The Lords Prayer

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Short Puns

Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? He was on a roll

Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog? He mist.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s actually more of a wrap
.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.

CANADIAN JOKE # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither would I.'

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good News Bad News

A New York attorney, representing a very wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.

"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million; and, I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob ! Whach’a get the case of beer for?' ‘I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.
'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'  

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.