Factory Joke Thread – October 2020

I like to call the John the Jim.

Sounds a lot more impressive when I tell people I head to the Jim every morning.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?", asked Grandpa.

"$20.00 a pill", answered the son.

"I don't care", said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow."

The next morning the son found $120.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $20.00, not $120.00."

"I know," said Grandpa, "The extra $100.00 is from Grandma.

In grade school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?”

Alec raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on Penny.

Penny said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher smiled and then called on Jimmy.

Jimmy stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

“Why is that, Jimmy?” the teacher asked.

He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatts Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!'

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don’t have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering.... Did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Are in the "Metal years"

Silver in the hair
Gold in your teeth
and
Lead in your pencil !

What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.

What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A T-Wrecks.

What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all being brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'
'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?'
Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'

Tom and Kelly had been seeing each other for a few months, so Tom invited her home to meet his parents. They walked in the door, and his mother fawned all over her. His dad, however, turned deathly pale at the sight of Kelly. He grabbed Tom and took him to another room.

"Son, I have to tell you something. Y'know, your mum has been a good wife and a great mother to you kids... but to be completely honest, she never really excited me in the bedroom. So I used to fool around a lot." Tom gasped, but before he could get a word out, his father added, "Your mum knows, but she always turned a blind eye... Anyway, there's no other way to put this: Kelly is your half-sister."

Tom was utterly devastated, and of course broke it off with Kelly, but he eventually picked himself up and started seeing another girl, Anna.

Again, once it started to get serious, he invited her home to meet his parents. Again, his mother fawned over this lovely girl her son was seeing. And you guessed it, his father turned white as a sheet, and dragged him to another room, "Son, I hate to break this to you, but Anna is your half-sister too."

Tom was again devastated - and again, broke off a highly-consanguineous relationship.

A few days later, Tom's sitting at the breakfast table with his mother, and complains, "Jesus, Dad got around. Every time I meet a girl, it turns out she's my half-sister." His mother's eyes immediately went wide and she yells, "WHAT?!". Tom says, "Hang on, Dad said you knew about his fooling around?"

His mother moves closer to him, takes his hand, and says, "I do... I do know... but Tom, you need to know..."

"... he's not really your father."

oop's
Didn't see that coming!

Wow

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"