Factory Joke Thread – March 2020

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have
some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood
that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo
a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman
who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you cardand a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that -
last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy
thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie,
but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"

Decaf is like a gun with no ammo.

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Funny

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words: complete and finished. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch.

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

The baa-baa shop.

good one

Einstein developed a theory about space.
It was about time too.

That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.
It would be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end.

I have a condition that makes me eat when i can’t sleep.
It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

Genie: What’s your first wish?
Steve: I wish I was rich.
Genie: What’s your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.
Which is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I feel the same way each and every day!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. .....

Now give me back my dog.

I have found that self-dosing with quinine mixed with an organic solvent supplemented with a naturally occurring source of vitamin C seems to work wonders. I had been doing this before Covid-19 and found a positive benefit in preventing colds and relieving stress so I've upped my dosage in light of the current situation.

By the way, should you not be into chemistry, this is sometimes known as gin & tonic.

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

Well, I finally lost it...

I was just at Wal Mart and I saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!

I called him a selfish and inconsiderate a**hole, and gave him the low down about the elderly, moms, and immunocompromised people who need these types of things. Told him he should be freaking ashamed of his sorry selfish a$$!

He said: “Are you done? Cause I really need to get back to restocking the shelves now...”

What happens to spoons who work to much.

They go stir crazy...….

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

generation whatever who don’t know dick!

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
       stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it
       from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens
       when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the
       protocol if the  package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
       called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship,
       it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
       planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
       substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
       you turn down the volume on the radio?

Good one and fitting for the times we live in right now!

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

Like that last one!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.

"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."

"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"

"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

Ever since I was isolated because of the coronavirus I keep looking at my wife staring through the front window with tears running down her cheeks.
I feel sorry for her that at times I think I should let her in but rules are rules.

Thanks for the funnies

This quarantine thing is not working out very well. My wife and I are becoming good friends. So good, I almost told her about my Girfriend!

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.

Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

“No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.”

The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

“Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.”

So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.

“What happened?” she cried.

“For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats!”

...they had to quarantine the virus

Funny!

Single man with TP seeks single woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

From RV Newsletter

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

1) You will never play professional basketball.

2) You swear very well.

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral
home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one
aunt who is a nun or uncle who's a priest..

4) You think you sing very well.

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!

6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or
killing someone....

7) Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a
mortal sin.

8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.

10) You're strangely poetic after a few drinks.

11) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen ....and there is at least one member of your family with the
full name of Mary Catherine Eileen

12) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.

13) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing..

14) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start
talking.

15) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are... but what you
lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.

16) You are, or know someone, named Murphy. If you don't know Murphy then you know Mac. If you don't know Murphy or Mac, then you know Sully.

17) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

18) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget everything but the grudges!

19) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'

20) Your skin's ability to tan.... not so much. (Only in spots!)

21) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey.

22) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.

23) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not
speaking to each other. Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to
each other.

Three ducks go to court. The first duck goes up to see the judge.
The Judge says. "What's your name?"
The duck says "Quack."
The Judge says, "Why were you arrested?"
Quack says, "For blowing bubbles in the pond."
The Judge says, "That's a very serious offense. I sentence you to a month in jail."

The second duck goes up to the judge and the Judge says, "What's your name?"
The second duck says "Quack Quack."
The Judge says, "What did you get arrested for?"
Quack Quack says, "For blowing bubbles in the pond."
The Judge says, "Same offense as Quack, so you too get one month in jail."

The third duck goes up to the Judge and the Judge says, "Well, I guess your name is Quack Quack Quack."
The third duck says, "No, I'm Bubbles."

Good One!!!

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

But still in these times I will read the label on anything in the cupboard!

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opens at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back to the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to get to the door, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him down and rolled him back to the parking lot.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time, he said
“If you don’t let me unlock the doors, you will never get inside”.

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....
.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

Funny!