Factory Joke Thread – March 2020

Riddle:
How can you take 2 from 5 and leave 4?

Answer:
F I V E
Remove the 2 letters F and E from five and you have IV.

Riddle:
A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

Answer:
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

A man was having computer problems.

So he called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, the man called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

The man didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”

Eric grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” he replied.

Eric told him to write it down and he’d figure it out.

So the man wrote down: ID10T

He used to like Eric, know he thinks he’s a little jerk.

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Think that would be hard

I’m gonna work on being less condescending. (Condescending means to talk down to people.) (Oops.)

From RV Newsletter

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

...but oh so true!!!!

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear.

Then you said:

Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Not Happy

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'
Holding the bucket up he said,'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

We don’t know if this is true, but here’s the claim: “My brother, tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was ‘No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back!’”

From RV Newsletter

When it turns into a driveway!

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”

First astronaut: “Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”
Second astronaut: “In space, no one can. here, use cream.”

The only thing flat-earthers fear…
Is sphere itself.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bat.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take my half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I went for a job interview today.
The interviewer asked me, “What’s your biggest weakness?”
I said, “Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.”
The interviewer said, “Could you give me an example?”
I said, “Yes, I could.”

My friend said to me, “I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds.”
I said, “Like a boycott?”
She said, “Don’t you start.”

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions.
Like, “Whose blood is this”, and, “Where did you get it?”

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

Hey, that's me. I catch myself doing that quite often.

Funny!

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

I have a friend who swears these are actual postings he found on social media:

Debbie was taught, “There is safety in numbers. My numbers are .22, .357, .45, 9mm, 30-06 and .38 special.”

Steve shared, “I’m the real package, but there may have been some shipping and handling damage.”

Boyd confided, “All I’m saying is, if we had a dungeon, my wife would decorate it with throw pillows.”

Mark said, “When I was in high school, I was in a gang that did everything together. We called it the ‘Marching Band’.”

Jeff thought, “Women spend more time wondering what a man is thinking, than that man spends actually thinking.”

Rick admits, “Most people write ‘Congrats’ because they don't know how to spell congradulashuns!”

Gordy relates, “I used to have a can opener, but it quit working. I still have it, but changed its name to a can’t opener.”

Susan claimed, “My New Year’s Resolution was to save $10,000 by Dec 31, 2019. So excited I’m already at $6.85”

Karrie reminds, “Don’t wear headphones and listen to music while vacuuming. I finished the whole house before I realized the vacuum had come unplugged.”

Scott sadly said, “I hear they’re not making shortbread any longer.”

Ken cried, “Every single morning, I walk down the block and get hit by the same bike. It’s a vicious cycle.”

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People'

2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 
 
3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. 
 
5.The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 
 
7..It used to be only death and taxes.   Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

good one

.gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

A good one!

Thanks

Funny!

...I married Eve’s sister!

I didn't see that well...

Love reading all these, Keep them coming!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

She just died and left me everything.'

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?
Hot wings.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, liters, gallons!”
That spoke volumes.

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.
It was a whisk I was willing to take.

I got pulled over by a traffic cop.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win,” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

With the possibility of a toilet paper shortage, due to hoarding, please use both sides before flushing.

That's pretty funny!

Phil

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

I'm really concerned that the coronavirus might extend into the Lyme disease summer tick season. Then we would have corona with Lyme.

Good one!!

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."