Factory Joke Thread – August 2019

Very punny

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

A: I think my biggest weakness is being a poor listener.

An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper.

The officer lectures him on how irresponsible it is to be speeding, and does everything he can to get the farmer off-balance.

While the trooper is filling out a form, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.

The farmer says, “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”

The trooper replies, “Yeah – why do call them circle flies?”

The farmer says, “Well, they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”

“Ah, I see,” the trooper replies absentmindedly.

After a minute, the trooper looks up from his paperwork and says indignantly, “Wait a minute. Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says “Oh no officer, I’ve got too much respect for the police to do that.”

“Good,” the trooper says.

The farmer continued, “Hard to fool them circle flies though…”

Good One!!!

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I am so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

If the sun is so hot how come it's single

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me.

If your partner asks, "Do you love your phone more than you love me?" Lie.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage?
He always fears the Wurst.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”

Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”

Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”

Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?

Wife: Where are you??

Husband: Near the vegetable market.

Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...

After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”

Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.

Just have to keep Priscilla’s name handy!

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Good One!!!

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up. I went today, but not one person would stroke me.

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.

I don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give you a tour of the place"

They walked around for a while. "Look at that lake," st. Peter said "isn't it lovely"

"Yes it is," the man answered. I have never seen a lake that beautiful. But are you sure I'm in the right place? I mean... I can't remember the last time I set my foot in a church."

"Don't worry." st. Peter said "We don't care about stuff like that here."

They walked along for a while. St. Peter showed the man a beautiful meadow. "Isn't that a lovely meadow?" St. Peter asked.

"I have never seen anything as lush and beautiful before." The man said. "But are you really sure I belong in this place. I really liked to drink and to party."

"Don't worry." st. Peter said "We don't care about stuff like that here."

They walked along for a while and came to a forest. "Isn't that a beautiful forest?" St. Peter asked.

"It is. It is so calm and beautiful." The man said. "But tell me... Honestly. Are you sure the paperwork has not been messed up? I was a big time fornicator... Swinger clubs, same sex relationships, lots and lots of different partners... I did it all..."

"Don't worry." st. Peter said "We don't care about stuff like that here."

They walked along for a while and they came to a big wall that seemed like it went on forever. People stood along the wall as far as the eye could see and were repeatedly slamming their heads into the wall.

"Who are those people?" the man asked.

"Oh," said St. Peter "those are the people who are regretful because of all the things we don't care about."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband talking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Three men are on a boat one day. They all smoke and they've got four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A Mexican magician told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.
He went, "Uno, dos..."
And POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

Make sure you limit your video game time today, I don't want you to become super violent. Remember, before video games war wasn't a thing.

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't worry, that's not a sin, that's just a mistake"

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: "Mind if I say a word?"

She says: "Please do."

The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

good jokes.
Thanks

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.