This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
...on the next Geraldo.
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here?!”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar. They were tense.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket."
- perfect Dad Joke
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in - only a few shelves and display racks had been set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we are selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentlemen walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, and then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old-timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them!
His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Man: I have two final wishes
Friend: what are they?
Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land
Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.
Big celebration this weekend.
Just spend $300 on a Limousine and discovered that the fee does not include a driver.
I can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to Chauffeur it.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. The woman kept complaining about every little detail and making the trip unbearable.
But a few days before their vacation ended, a tragic accident ended the woman’s life. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.”
The husband thought about it for a few seconds, then told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
“Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here in Jerusalem, and it would only cost $150?!” the undertaker asked, taken aback.
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing but des brie.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.
So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says.
The guy tries again. "Medias?" He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines," he says.
And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section.
The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, "Eso sí que es!"
The salesperson's jaw drops and he says, "Well, why didn't you TELL me you knew how to spell it?"
Mick and Ed are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
and drinking beer when suddenly Ed says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife -
she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Mick spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over,
women like that are hard to find.'
Sent in by George Bliss. (Original author unknown, but on the Web since at least 2005. This is totally tongue-in-cheek. Please take these with a grain of kitty litter and don’t take offense or determine this is sexist and chew us out.)
Oil change instructions for women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil change: $20
Oil change instructions for men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $50.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, pay $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 13 mm box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up. Crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 10.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame, removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee: $75
Knowing the job was done correctly: Priceless.
Sir,do you mean a choir?
Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?
There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer. Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question. Again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy any of the parties. Seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people. And he knew everything. He was so smart they called him Pope The Wise. The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question. The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room. The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does. The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question. Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset. He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise!”
But she was Nun The Wiser
I got it the first time...lol
The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you live, but if he does not, you die. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.
All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.
All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.
He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...
...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.
The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went bezerk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.
Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. He tried to fight back, to plead with the tortoise, but to no avail. He was never seen from again.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away to their doom. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumberd up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to die. He hesitated, stutterd, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke?, was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"
"The other animals?" replied the tortoise. "I was still laughing at the zebra's joke!"
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale...
Crackers recently returned to popularity after being a wafer awhile.
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Remembers your birthday
Knows what you enjoy
Saves your pictures
Understands your family & friends
This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
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