Factory Joke Thread – July 2019

Revolutionary War
During the Revolutionary war, a Lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."

British General
"Well," snarled the tough old General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier. "I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, General!" the soldier replied. "Once I get out of the army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/independencedayjokes.ht...

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

OW...OW...OW... I know someone I really MUST send that one too.

Two people have shared this joke, Timantide, thrak, and me. Oh. Three! Three people have shared this joke!

I'm just waiting on the reply from my recipient. Thanks for sharing!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
“Every time a bug hit the windshield my dad would say, ‘He’ll never have the guts to do that again!’ Every time.” —

Note rvtravel newsletter

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him - he’s far too scared to cough.”

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age

So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 6 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

So our local pub has been is under new management, a gay couple from Madrid no run it.

They've turned into a real "home from home" with a great menu of tapas and Spanish beers and wines. And, while not strictly a "gay" pub, they do have a regular LGBTQ night. Being a fairly open-minded straight guy, I went along. Imagine my surprise when I bumped into my sister, clearly with her lesbian lover! I was a little taken aback, as I hadn't realized she was that way inclined, but it turns out, she was mortified that I'd seen her, because when I cheerfully waved across the bar at her, she completely blanked me. It was like I didn't exist. I didn't expect the Spanish Inn Queer Sis Shun.

The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

Good One!!!

Now that was a low one...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.

Man: How much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.

Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.

Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!

Man: Bye, I love you too.

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: sigh Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

For our Silver Wedding Anniversary I put a map of the world on a corkboard and gave my wife a dart. I told her that we would go wherever the dart landed. She said she was aiming for anywhere in the Mediterranean.

I am happy to announce that we will soon be spending two weeks by the baseboard in the laundry room.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.

I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER… FASTER…

BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...

Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP…

…on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and...

The coffin stops.

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

Friendship between women:
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men:
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his Wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirm he had slept over and two claim that he is still there.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"

So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Ha, a good Monty Python reference. LOL

Good One!!!

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

* Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

* Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?

* Can you help me? I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me

* If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?

* Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!

* That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!

* Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees

* I'm single and desolate

* Can you help me? I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me

* If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?

Two hours into his first day of work as a Walmart greeter, an ugly women came in with her two kids. Hearing the lady swear at the kids, he said "Good morning, welcome to Walmart. Nice kids, are they twins?"

The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest is 9 and the other is 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?

The greeter replied "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal?

Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer.

Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag?

Old lady: Well not all of them pay.

“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home..

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.

‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.

‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’

‘The Moon?! Hmm... could you then do me a favor?’

‘What do you want?’

‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’

‘What’s the message?’

The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly.

‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts.

‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’

The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message.

When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off.

‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’

'It says - Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’

How many skinny people does it take to fill a shower?
I don't know. They keep slipping down the drain.

Q: Which American colonists were most fond of word play?
A: Punsylvanians.

Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve

Why did the tree go to the dentist?

To get a root canal!

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...
.
.
.

No canaries there either.

Has anyone else been to the moon since? It’s because they swindled the man in 5he moon...LOL

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

I lay awake one night trying to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

Good One!!!

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?"

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack Daniels and he would start to calm down. It was amazing! What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?"

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing.
Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!”

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:

“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”