Factory Joke Thread – June 2019

A truckie came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.

What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes,
a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards
are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The truckie asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Of course we shouldn't talk about political jokes, too many get elected

bloke wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."

I got myself a seniors GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

My wife is horrible with GPS navigation...I think it's because, she hates being told what to do.

I bought a GPS and one of the voices on it is "Fleetwood Mac". So I started using it, but it just keeps telling me to go my own way.

I love having a GPS...Because now I have two women telling me how to drive.

I had to change my GPS's voice from female to male because the female GPS told me to pull over and ask for directions.

My gps got me lost today so I got angry and told it to go to hell.
I just arrived at my mother in law's house.

An elderly lady dials 911. "Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!" Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

Very appropo!

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

I resemble that remark!!!

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.

I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.

There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.

How can you tell when a Gold Wing rider is having an affair? His helmet doesn't match the passenger's.

Winter is natures way of telling you to polish.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable environment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agency asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?"

"Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy."

"I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?"

"We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs."

"Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?"

"Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.

I don’t like to interrupt her.

The officer said. "You're staggering"! I said, "You're quite handsome yourself". We just laughed and laughed.

Please send bail money.

Good One!!!

A guy is talking to a girl :

"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"

"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"

"No, I'm a dentist."

A joke to finish up the month of June...

~~~~~~~~~~~

A good ole Texas farm boy was drinking in a bar in Houston when he gets a call on his cell phone.

After completing the phone call, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just delivered a typical farm country baby weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average here on the farm, folks. Like I said, my boy’s a typical baby boy born to parents from the country.”

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical country baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks...so, how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his ice cold Shiner beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:
“Had him circumcised.”