Factory Joke Thread – June 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

My wife got angry

My wife and I decided to make our own sex video.

For some reason she got angry when I started holding auditions for her part.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Short Rain Jokes

Short Rain Jokes
Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo' Drizzle.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather.
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
A: The nearest ISOBAR
Q: What's worse than raining buckets?
A: Hailing taxis!

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/weatherjokes/rain...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man decides to buy two horses

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first horse's tail. But the horse recoiled in pain and in a frenzy bit off the tip of the second horse's tail. Now they both had shortened tails. The two men looked and the neighbor got another idea: "If you just snip a bit of the first one's ear, you could tell them apart that way". So the man took his scissors and snipped a little part of the first horse's left ear but of course he began trashing around and in a frenzy bit off a small part of the other horse's left ear. The two men were really annoyed, but they wouldn't give up. "Alright, do the other ear, you could still tell them apart that way". But sure as hell, as the man snipped the first horse's other ear, he trashed around in pain and bit off a bit of the second horse's ear. They now both had snipped ears and tail. As the two men looked intensely for ideas, the neighbour said: "Well you know, I think you could tell them apart by height. The brown one is a bit taller than the white one"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."

Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. A man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian “your names?”

The man responds “I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany”

“Excellent. And what is your work?”

“I manufacture vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may go”

Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. The guard stops them and asks

“Your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians traveling to Germany”

“Fine. Profession?”

“I manufacture Vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may pass”

They drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the Polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says

“What are your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. We are Russians.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just passing through this time.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The letter "F"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

a subtle hint?

My wife have me a "get better soon" card. But I wasn't sick.

LoL I remember those days

LoL

I remember those days

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate.

Very truly yours,

Faye's Costumes"

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says:

"Dear Sir:

We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Faye's Costumes"

Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads:

"Dear Sir:

You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**, and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Faye's Costumes"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'S**T!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

More Car Jokes

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A message from a new pastor

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and keeps flying straight and level.

The fighter jock asks, "Um... What did you do?"

The B-52 pilot says, "I just shut down two engines."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Doc. How long will it take for me to recover from this accident?

Doctor: Physically 6 months and financially 12 years

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Five Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows
she is right and you need to shut-up.
2. Nothing: Means 'something' & you need to be worried.
3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.
4. Whatever: A woman's way of saying screw you.
5 that's Okay: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will
pay for your mistake.
BONUS WORD: Wow!

This is not a compliment, she's amazed that one person could be so
stupid.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man.

“They misspelled my name!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What is the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

cowboys

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund puppy?

To get along little doggy!

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Well, Mice need sleeping

Well, Mice need sleeping bags as well as Nuns...lol

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their fThe coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.aces.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A message form the tower

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man owned a small ranch in Montana...

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”

“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “

The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”

“You already are” replied the rancher.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting
"Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

How to Know You Bought a Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Winnie the

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S**t."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Golf with the boss

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot."

Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!"

"Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss..."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL...

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

how to shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If y
ou see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

do you stutter/

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an a**hole.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Use a word in a sentence

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely s**t my pants."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Vick's

A truck loaded with Vick's vapor rub
overturned on the highway.
Amazingly there was no congestion for eight hours.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

No mohawk...

Not enough hair and the shampoo just falls off!

LOL

geo334 wrote:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If y
ou see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorb
ent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Area 51

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

Note: From RV Daily Newsletter

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johnm405 660 & MSS&T