Factory Joke Thread – December 2018

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

very funny

Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday.

Why didn't the kid believe in Santa?

Because he was a rebel without a Claus!

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.

The wife asked, "Where are you? You know we have lots to do." He replied, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well, I'm in the gun shop next door to it."

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.

What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

Not a joke. Merry Christmas to all!

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.

"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.

"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.

"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says

"We didn't see anything, you liar"

"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he started, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use. The. Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him, irritated and bewildered. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

To everyone

There once was a brave sailor with a very small crew on a very small ship. One day, while they were fishing, a ship filled with pirates was on the way to pillage the small fishing ship. The first mate, worried about what was to come, informed the captain about the pirate ship.

"Captain! There's a ship filled with armed pirates! We have to surrender!"

"No!" The captain said. "Fetch me my red shirt, and we will fight back!"

The first mate, despite being confused, had faith in the captain, and hence fetched the red shirt. The captain put it on, and they went to battle. The crew fought valiantly, and surprisingly, they won!

A few weeks passed of peaceful fishing, until one day, another pirate ship appeared. Even bigger than the last! The first mate, yet again warned the captain.

"Captain!! There's no way we can beat them! Their ship is way too big!"

"No!" The captain bellowed. " Fetch me my red shirt, and we will fight back."

The first mate reluctantly agreed, and off they went to battle. Surprisingly, they won the fight again!

The first mate, impressed but also confused by these events, confronted the captain.

"How do we manage to win every fight? Does it have something to do with the red shirt?"

The captain replied. "Oh, you see, I wear the red shirt so that when I am wounded, our crew doesn't see me bleed, making them more confident in me, helping us win the fights!"

The first mate was impressed. His captain was so brave! Hence he no longer felt any doubt in his captain.

A few months passed after these events, until one day, and entire fleet of pirates arrived, all ready to pillage the small ship. The first mate, already mentally prepared for this, told the captain.

"Would you like me to fetch you your red shirt?"

"No." The captain replied. "Fetch me my brown pants."

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game for anything! All I want $100 dollars, but there’s one condition...”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts a $100 dollar bill in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”

There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success.

He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it.

His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris.

It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."

Go in one year and out the other!

...911 for her husband who seemed to be having a heart attack. She asked “how long would the life squad be?” ‘Oh, about 18 feet ‘, replied the dispatcher.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

The definition for Pokemom is Rastafarian proctologist.

Good One!!

I have to admit, I often come to POI Factory for these jokes and the red light camera files are just an added bonus! Keep up the good work everyone.

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspiciou

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.

But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe."

The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?"

The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal.

When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?"

The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."

I will have to remember those same three words...

Paint my house

LoL