Factory Joke Thread – December 2018

You are dust, and you will return to dust.
That's why I do not dust. It could be someone I know

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Supposedly true...(https://www.littlethings.com/fourth-times-a-charm)

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

Happy Sunday to all friends...

This is a real joke I heard the other night, but cleaned up a bit.

"Hey you guys, did I ever tell you about the worst oral sex I ever got from a partner?

"It was freaking awesome!"

I hope I cleaned it up enough.

Good One!!

Poor blondes...about the only group still picked on. We need to get them organized.-----Oh well, wouldn't work.

An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”

On Christmas Eve, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual journey. But this year there were many problems. Four of the elder elves became ill and the younger more in-experienced elves did not produce the toys as quickly, so Santa started to worry that he would not be ready in time. Then Mrs. Claus tells him that her mother is visiting. This makes Santa Claus stressed even more so. When he begins to gather the reindeer for his sleigh, he discovers that three of them are ready to give birth and two have jumped over the fence. The elves begin loading the sleigh and one of the boards of the sled breaks off and the bag of toys falls to the ground dispersing the toys all around. It goes without saying that Santa was not exactly in his best state of mind and slightly triggered. Then the doorbell rings and Santa goes to the door and expects another problem. He opens the door and there is a little angel with a big Christmas tree brought to cheer up Santa. The angel says in a loving tone: "Merry Christmas Santa, is it not a beautiful day today? I have a big beautiful tree for you, is not it a beautiful tree, where do you want me to put it?" And so began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christma...

The next time a stranger talks to you when you are alone, look at him with a shocked look and whisper quietly "you can see me?"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could spend the night.

​
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house

all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the

neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

​
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if

the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and

the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

​

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They

enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

​
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined

that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the

ski weekend.

​

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that

good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up

North?"

​
"Yes, I do." said Bob

​
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house

and pay her a visit?"

​

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to

admit that I did."

​
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

​
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I

did. Why do you ask?"

​
"She just died and left me everything."

>>>"She just died and left me everything."

Love it! Wasn't expecting it ... but will retell it!

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.

“Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

“Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

You had me at "testicles."

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up today... which I didn't appreciate.

The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

Doctor: Ten

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?

Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven...

That is like my worst day of fishing....fantastic.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.

The man began sobbing and said:

"You can take anything you want but please untie the rope and free her."

The thief responded: "You must really love your wife."

The man responded: "No she's my neighbors wife. Mine will arrive shortly, so for all our sakes let her go."

I've never understood why Women like Cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then left alone to sleep.

In other words, every quality that they hate in a Man, they love in a Cat.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

But I still like it

Good One!!

I needed this ammo next time my wife asks me to dust the tv room.

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what his problem was.

“It’s the wife,” George said. “As you know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s been playing, she’s cut our sex down to once a week”.

“Well, you should think yourself lucky,” his partner responded. “She’s cut some of us out altogether!”

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own?
Because it was two-tired.

I FINALLY DID IT
I bought me a pair of shoes with memory insoles.
No longer will I walk into a room and forget why.

A road construction manager needs to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired and are each assigned a section of the road.

The first day, the redhead paints 1.5 miles, the brunette 1, and the blonde 2.

On the second day, the redhead paints 2.5 miles, the brunette 2, and the blonde 1.

On the third day, the redhead paints 3.5 miles, the brunette 3, but the blonde only does 1/4 mile.

The manager decides to talk to the blonde. “You haven’t been painting as much road as you did on the first day,” the manager says. “What’s the problem?”

“I’d be painting more,” the blonde replies, “but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so s**t-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell
.
I’m aspirin’ to be a chemist.

I wanted to be a tree doctor but I faint at the sight of sap.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”

BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.

Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”

BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.

While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.”

The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation.

The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”

BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man.

Immediately enamored bu her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered
“Too bad you had me neutered.”

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'

I saw a young lady texting and driving yesterday. Her disregard for the other drivers really pissed me off, so I opened my window and threw my beer at her.

You may throw away your beer!!!!!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags.

Then try 50-lb. potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots, but I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before. I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!"

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can make a well-educated guess.

Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Good One!!!

It was THAT good...lol

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at University of Michigan while sitting in her U.S. Government Class, was asked by her professor if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was about.

She sat for quite a while pondering this very profound question, finally sighed, and answered,

"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

The sign said kids eat free. I got grilled cheese w/fries. Ordered my 12 y/o the surf & turf and 2 child sized Bud Lights. They asked us to leave.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."