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Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
never could pass on a special...
that was the offer of three pizza's for under $5 each...lol
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought
It amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presentation of the Cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
From now on, like you, I’ll choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Your Humble Client
· Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
· What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
· If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
· Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
· Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
· Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
· Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
· The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
· Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
· 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
· Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
· The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
· If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
· Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
· If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
· If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)
· 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that.
A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”
The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!”
He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”
The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.”
He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!”
The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”
I want that old lady handling all my bank, credit union, credit card etc communication.
Someone please find the lady!!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
If you ever feel like a nobody, remember that nobody is perfect, therefore you are perfect!
Chet the farmer had very worn wooden one on his trusty matte orange 'Alice Chalmers' tractor. The John Deere didn't have one, besides it wasn't used as much.
A bad day playing golf is better than a good day fishing!
If you don't know how to fish you may as well play golf.
They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind
"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
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