Factory Joke Thread – May 2018

A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

From A Joke A Day

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "I'm guessing he's an only child

REMEMBER ROUTE 66? US HIGHWAY 41 TOO!

A man, a miss,
A car, a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve.
Burma Shave

I'm sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives. People laughed and they were more careful! It was a REAL "service" to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was one of the RARE "really useful" ones!

To My Old-As-Dirt Friends and Relatives who qualify as "old as dirt." For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE.
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING.
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT.
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE.
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU.
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPING
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE.
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING.
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW.
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many
Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Joke of the Week
Three good ol’ boys are on Death Row. They discuss how to distract the firing squad so they can escape, and come up with a plan. When the first one’s in front of the firing squad he yells “Tornado!” and the firing squad drop their rifles, run for cover and he escapes. The second man comes in front of the firing squad and at the last moment he yells “Earthquake!” and the firing squad drop their rifles, run for cover and he escapes. The third man, who’s not the brightest candle on the cake, then comes in front of the firing squad and at the last moment yells “Fire!”

Thanks to George Bliss for this!

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Q: What's a balloon's least favorite kind of music?

A: Pop!

Goodness gracious
Sakes alive
Ma missed signs
Four and five
Burma Shave

Any time a friend would say something he though was wise, he would end with "Burma Shave".

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Isn't it weird what one remembers from childhood? I once read this in Mad Magazine about a zillion years ago:

EMPTY BEER CANS
BY THE ROAD
ARE UGLY MANY SAY
BUT LATE AT NIGHT
REFLECTING LIGHT
THEY SAFELY GUIDE THE WAY
BURMA SHAVE

If you want more Burma Shave slogans you can find them here: http://www.skypoint.com/members/schutz19/burma2.htm

They arrive hot and wet

They leave with the house and half of the furnitures

glad I'm old enough to remember when distracted driving consisted of cruising with your right arm around your girlfriend.

In 1923, who was:

President of the largest steel company?
President of the largest gas company?
President of the New York Stock Exchange?
Greatest wheat speculator?
Great Bear of Wall Street?
The PGA Champion and winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open?
Answers:

Charles Schwab
Edward Hopson
Richard Whitney
Arthur Cooger
Cosabee Livermore
Gene Sarazen

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days. But 80 years later, we can look at the history books and see what became of them.

Charles Schwab died a pauper.
Edward Hopson went insane.
Richard Whitney was released from prison to die at home.
Arthur Cooger died abroad, penniless.
Cosabee Livermore committed suicide.
Gene Sarazen played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95. Unlike these other men, he was financially secure at the time of his death.

The moral of the story: forget work, play golf.

Which required a bench seat so she could slide over next to you. When is the last time you saw a car with a bench seat?

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

An off duty police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,”Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

Good One!!

I was paged at the airport and asked to pick up a white courtesy phone. It was a courtesy call notifying me that my auto warranty had expired.

Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!

Notice on a shoe repair shop: 
I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

Why does Peter Pan fly all the time?-
He Neverlands.

Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?-
There are too many bugs.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea. Then he says with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

I wonder where I can find an electric fence...lol

Don't pee on it.

The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw. We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack! I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel! The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.”

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

Good One!!

Did you also have a knecking knob on the steering wheel?

I have enough problems with one woman...she cuts down on my golf, travel, beer, hockey, biking, laying in the hammock...with four I would have to let them kill me quickly, I would never survive as week without yelling demanding another beer whileflipping between hockey, baseball, golf etc...lol

What you called "necking" knobs we called "suicide" knobs.

Phil

Before the days of power steering. They were handy on a tractor to turn at the end of the row.

"Sir, is this snake poisonous?

The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, "But that snake IS venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

You bet! The fold-down spinner/suicide type.

CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S - PRETTY AMAZING
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and 1 betcha you cannot resist passing it on....

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."

"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.

"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."

What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?

Close the door! I'm dressing!

Why is the math book so sad?
It's got too many problems!

I saw an offer in a shop
“TV for $4.50 – the volume is stuck on maximum"
It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down.

I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day.

I was trying to catch some fog earlier but I mist.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Alcohol is a solution...

Oh ... sooooo true it almost isn't funny ... but it really is!

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.” Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.

Number 2 guy says, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says, “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf”.

And she said, “Take a sweater.”

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home after following her advice.

On the way, he said, “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

Shocked, the farmer responded, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

We all think our brain is the most important organ, but then we have to remember what's telling us that...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"

"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I stumbled upon one of these birds that had fallen out of its nest and broken its wing. The eagle was going to die anyways, and I needed to save my own life. I killed it quickly, to put it out of its misery and got enough strength from the meat to stay alive until I was rescued. This was a life-or-death situation for me -- what else could I have done?"

After solemnly considering the situation, the judge responds, "Given the circumstances, I think we can pardon you for this offence. However, just out of personal curiosity, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, it's kind of like a cross between California condor and komodo dragon."

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

Doctors are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable..

One thing about getting older - when your friends come over for your birthday party they can keep their hands warm from all the candles on the cake.

Good One!!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do?".

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once.”

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”