Factory Joke Thread – April 2018

Hold Up Your Credit Cards!
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.

A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.

The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.

People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.

People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

That is what a guy who used to work for me would say when someone did something incredulous!!

That surely had to be on April 1st!
The ones showing up, shows you there is no limit to stupidity!

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.
an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswana, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave." Happy Easter!!!

If Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, I'm going to upload my debt.

this was copy/paste and you did not actually type this manually

And now my fingers hurt and I may never type again

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.

Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!”

His wife replied, “Yes, but his eyesight is incredible.”

Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.

He asked Ted, “Do you see it?”

Ted nodded his head and said, “Boy, that was a beautiful shot!”

Joe excitedly asked, “Well, where did it land?!”

Ted said, “Hmmm. I forget.”

Good One!!!

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.

They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.

King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

Good One!!!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
On a rural road a state trooper pulled a farmer over and said, “Sir, did you know that your wife fell out of your truck several miles back?” “Thank God!” said the farmer. “I thought I had gone deaf.”

From RV Daily Newsletter

will get you every time

Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”

The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years!”

“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”

He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”

“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”

“Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”

“Well,” St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!”

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Yes, dear.
Woman: Would you die for me?
Man: No, dear. Mine is an undying love.

From RV newsletter

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Doctors are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.

I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

…..”Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

…..”Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

…..”Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach it.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes. I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really! Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Good One!!

A group of golfers are putting on the green when, suddenly, a ball drops in their midst. One of the golfers winks at the others and shoves the ball into the hole with his foot.

A few seconds later, a robust player puffs onto the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looks around distractedly and then asks, “Have any of you seen a ball that came down around here?”

“Yeah, it went in the hole,” the joker answers with straight-faced alacrity.

The tubby golfer looks at him disbelievingly, then he walks towards the hole, looks in, reaches down and picks up the ball with his markings on it. Without so much as a word, he turns, runs down the fairway and, as he nears his partner, the group on the green hears him shout, “Hey Sam, I got an 11.”

Now that there was funny!

There was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goes to take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. Half & hour minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't worry they were all dead so I buried them." The policeman gets confused and asks if he is 100% sure and farmer replies "Yeah some of them said things like "I'm alive, please stop!" but you know the politicians right? They are all a bunch of liars...!

Ha, I thought I'd heard every St. Peter joke. Thanks, that's a good one.

A doctor says, “I have bad news and really bad news”. “What’s the bad news”? the patient asks, “you have cancer”, the doctor says, “Gosh, and the really bad news”? “You also have Alzheimer’s”, “Oh Well”, the patient says, “at least I don’t have cancer

Has anyone tried unplugging spring for 10 seconds and then plugging it back in?

that's what Mother Nature is doing but she keeps rebooting the OS.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line.

As a stage 4 cancer patient, surviving just long enough for the next advance, you have my permission to tell this joke.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of spring.
Father Time was driving and refused to stop and ask for directions.

Would it matter?

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean, leave no trace. And since I'm a big fan of your legend, I'd like to be there when you assassinate the target". The assassin agrees.

With carefully planned tactics, the assassin infiltrates the rival gang on the pretence of capturing the mob leader. Finally, in the room with the mob leader and the rival leader, the assassin aims his pistol at the target and counts.

*uno*

*dos*

*BANG*

The rival drops dead.

"But I thought you count to three", said the mob leader. "Sí" replied the assassin. "But you said leave no tres".

A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner complements him on such fine work. The second weld is sloppy and unappealing. The shop owner asks "what's up with the difference in welds?" The welder says, "the first one is $25 an hour and the second one is $18".

A woman goes to her gynecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said,

"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

Got to be a new version of Windows that she is using...lol

Good One!!

As he is walking his dog one weekday afternoon, Fred, the bookie the gamblers love to hate, sees a young man on the local course. Fred stops for a moment to watch him tee off and stays for longer when he sees that the boy has talent. Indeed, the boy has holed his tee shot.

Fred is about to call out his congratulations when the boy tees up again and once more holes in one. Now Fred, never one to let an opportunity pass, walks up to the youngster, congratulates him and asks, “How old are you, lad?”

“Eleven, sir,” the young boy replies.

“Anyone else here seen you play?” Fred inquires.

Having received the assurance that no one has, Fred proposes a match the very next day with the club champion lined up against the young boy.

The odds are handsome: 10-to-1 against the new young player. The boy, however, takes 11 at the first hole and goes on around the rest of the course in much the same way. Of course, he loses badly. Fred is furious.

“You’ve made me look like a right fool! What’s the idea of pretending you can’t play?” says Fred.

“Listen, old man,” the youngster whispers. “Next week you’ll get 100-to-1.”

And nobody can take offense, or can someone!?

Lean beef!

A Dad took his six-year-old son to his first football game. Afterward he asked the boy what he thought of the game.

"It was exciting," the son replied. "But I don't understand what they were killing each other for twenty-five cents."

"What do you mean?" the Dad asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back.'"

Good One!!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

The passenger asks, “Who?”

The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”

The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”

The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”