Factory Joke Thread – December 2017

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! ………I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap!”

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Where did the sheep get a haircut? The baa‑baa shop.
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Customer: "Do you have a four volt, two watt light bulb for my fridge?" — "For what?" — "No, two" — "To what?" — "Yes" — "No" — "Good‑bye"
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I said: "What rhymes with orange", he said: "No, it doesn't"

My dog can do magic tricks. It's a Labracadabrador.

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My dog can do magic tricks. It's magic kit.

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven, sir.

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: I have pet cat already.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a Sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks,

"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank - the midget."

Good One

Good One!!!

An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "No.

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, "No.

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "Yes.

"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?

Kate Upton

"Yes," cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:
If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!

I got a fine telescope for Christmas. I now can watch my paranoid neighbors and see who is spying on me.

I've decided to sell my vacuum. Well... it was just gathering dust!

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

I thought it was because it was a dirt bag

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

A woman gets married and has 3 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

The woman get remarried and has another 4 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

The woman gets married a third time and has another 5 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

After a little while the woman dies as well. Attending her funeral, two of her friends are talking:

"Well at least they're together again."

"Together with which one? She was married three times!"

"No, I meant her legs!"

ROFL!!!

that was cute

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

The joke goes, she can still drive AT NIGHT.

A mother brought her daughter to the doctor when the teen was experiencing some very specific symptoms, says Newsiosity.

The doctor asked, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother responded, “It’s my daughter, Darla — she keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor examined Darla before coming to his conclusion.

“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but Darla is pregnant, about four months would be my guess,” the doctor said.

The mother was shocked.

“Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man,” the panicked mother says. “Have you, Darla?”

Darla tries to cover for herself, telling her mom, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

At that moment, the doctor quietly walked over to the window. He stared outside for a few minutes, not saying a word, until the mother finally decided she needed to know what he was doing.

“Is there something wrong out there doctor?” the mother asks.

“No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill,” he said. “I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. So I have decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The barman looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you commit suicide at all let alone in my pub!"

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The barman leans in and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the pub.

A couple hours goes by and the barman is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the pub with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The barman asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please

Doh! Now that one was unexpected. LOL

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
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Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry

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Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
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Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”

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Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!