Factory Joke Thread – December 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Little Girl to Samta

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Dear Satan

Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Children

I look so peaceful when my kids are sleeping.

A moth goes to the dentist.

"Come in," says the dentist, "What's the problem?" The moth drops down into the chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrel in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgmental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease." The dentist stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?" The moth says, “Your light was on."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Angel on the tree

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Mmm... "Here's a Christmas

Mmm...

"Here's a Christmas request I can't give," Santa said to Mrs. Claus.
"Why not?" asked Mrs. Claus.
"Here, read the letter."
Dear Santa,
Will you please bring me some crocodile shoes for Christmas?
Thanks,
Pete

"But you have lots of crocodile shoes," said Mrs. Claus. "Why can't you give him a pair?"
"Because he didn't tell me what size his crocodile wears."

Film industry scandal

Ron Jeremy accused of having sex with ALL his co-workers

--
If only ..

at the pub

A woman got her nipple pierced at the pub last night

That ended the darts match

--
If only ..

im hungry!

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm freaking STARVING!"

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Charge

On Dancer
On Prancer
On Master Card
On VISA

Santa's Chimney Woes What's

Santa's Chimney Woes

What's red and white and black all over?
Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.

Santa has a fear of getting stuck in the chimney. It's called Santa Claus-trophobia.

If Santa gets stuck in the chimney, you can get him out by pouring Santa Flush on him.

Sometimes Santa will fall down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz.

Santa goes up and down so many chimneys that he's thinking of getting a yearly flue shot?

What do you get if there is a fire in the fireplace when Santa goes down the chimney?
Crisp Kringle.

Name That Christmas Carol

Name That Christmas Carol

Clues:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Answers:
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The Church Gossip

Debbie, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bill, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Bill and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Bill, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Bill quietly parked his pickup in front of Debbie’s house…………. and left it there all night.

You gotta love Bill!

but......

GAJohn wrote:

On Dancer
On Prancer
On Master Card
On VISA

You forgot the most famous of all

On AMEX!

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

There was this man who walked into a bar..

And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "
The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "
The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "
The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .
Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "
The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! "

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...

He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Brunette: "Where were you

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

The Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,

'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

A man joins an order of Monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say, brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgment and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgment. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

geting into heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of the holy season", Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow.
The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's."

Canadian version

Timantide wrote:

After having their 11th child, a couple in Newfoundland decided that was enough.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

The Canadian version has a Newfoundland couple. Maybe they are related to Alabamans. grin

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, 3790LMT passed on to my daughter. Using Windows 10

Dear Santa, here is what I

Dear Santa, here is what I want for Christmas. https://www.amazom.com/TomTom-Navigator-Wifi-Connectivity-Sm...

(modified fake URL) smile

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

J H A

almostbob wrote:

Ron Jeremy accused of having sex with ALL his co-workers

John Holmes approves.

A bunch or Senators and Congressmen walk into a college sorority

Well, we all know what happens next.

Hole In One

Two dim-witted golfers were teeing off on a foggy par-3. They could see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hit his ball into the fog, and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to try and find their balls.
One ball was about six feet from the cup while the other found its way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of ball, a Titleist 2, and couldn’t determine which ball was which.
They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate.
After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asked, “Which one of you used the orange one?”

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell Rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I
ordered about positive thinking

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"

And Juan said:

"You know, I've never thought about that before, but why not?"

So Juan got up in front of the people in town and gave a speech:

"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog"

Now politicians tend to be dishonest, but the people of this town knew Juan, and his statements hit home with them. Juan was elected by a landslide.

Juan worked tirelessly to clean up the schools, day and night, instituting new programs and fixing the curriculum. In a very short time graduation rates doubled and test scores shot up.

Then one day the governer died of a heart attack, and the people who Juan worked with closely on the board suggested Juan run.

Juan said:

"Well I've never thought about that before, but why not?"

Juan gave a speech to his state:

"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids and I love my dog"

The state went wild for such an honest and loveable man and he was elected.

As governer he made his home state a wonderful place to live, businesses boomed, communities were peaceful, crime was down and employment was up. Everyone loved Juan.

Then one day Juan was approached by a political group that endorses candidates for major offices. They asked Juan if he would like to run for president.

Juan said:

"Hmm, I've never thought about tbat before, but why not?"

Juan stood before the American people and said:

"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog."

The crowd goes ballistic, the American people lose their god damn minds. No candidate had ever been so universally loved like Juan.

Juan is elected President of the United States.

A few years go by. Juan keeps every one of his campaign promises. Unemployment is down to basically nothing, the economy is booming, the national debt is on its way to being paid off.

Then reality hits Juan.

He has no where to go from here.

Juan becomes depressed. He starts drinking heavily.

One day he is sitting in the Oval office drunk as a skunk when his wife comes in. She wants funding for a new project. Juan doesn't listen. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then Juan's children come into the oval office wanting the time and attention of their father. He shoots them a well. Lastly his dog comes trotting in looking for a walk or a treat but he shoots the dog as well.

This doesn't sit well with the American people. He is arrested and put up for impeachment but is able to make bail and get out for a while before the trial, but he's not allowed back in the white house and he doesn't have a home.

Juan wandered the streets with a heavy heart when it started to rain. Juan finds a dumpster, lifts the lid and starts to climb in. A homeless man jumps up from inside the dumpster and pushes Juan away.

"This is my dumpster" said the homeless man.

"Please let me share it tonight" said Juan

"No . . . Wait a minute, I know you." Said the homeless man, "you're Juan! You're that sick son of a bitch that killed his wife, and kids, and dog!"

"I know" said Juan "but please, I have nowhere to go"

The homeless man told Juan to go away, but Juan just begged and begged. Eventually the homeless man pulled out a golf gun and shot him.

What's a golf gun?

Well I don't know either, but it sure shot a hole in Juan.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Oh My...

Well there went about 2 min of my life reading that..

Golf Gun!!!

LOL!!

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two elderly gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

What do you call a Santa who lives at the South Pole?

A lost Claus!

Two statues

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years.
An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Quick Jokes and Puns Computer Crashed Last Week

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.

I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!'

I've decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust!