Factory Joke Thread – August 2017

Husband to wife on her birthday: "Remember that red Ferrari that you saw?"
Wife: shrieks in joy and starts tearing up
Husband: I bought you a toothbrush the same color!

“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”

“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes .

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The town elders were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. A member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. Another suggested to hold a raffle each time they held meeting. Another suggested free food. In the end the elders agreed to the use of a hypnotist in addition to free food. So a couple of elders got in touch with one who agreed for a fee. The others took care of the free food. So it was all set now. A hypnotist was hired, the elders arranged for free food. They got out and spread the word.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat and ate merrily. The hypnotist started by throwing some funny jokes and even singing to the delight of the crowd. Then as the crowd was fascinated the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. The crowd fell into silence...then suddenly the hypnotist accidentally dropped the watch! "s**t" said he said...(quite loudly). And then it happened....

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

Good One!!

A ship was traveling in a dangerous part of the sea. The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.

The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle. They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory. Everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.

A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.

He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates. They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.

However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles. He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale. I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost. Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”

A few weeks later, the ship is traveling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.

The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”

A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
“Will you buy booze?” the man asked, to which the bum replies, “No.”
“Will you gamble it away?”
Once again the bum replied, “No.”
“Will you go to a dance?” asked the man.
“No, I don’t dance,” the bum answered.
“Will you make bets on the golf course?”
Once again, the bum replies “No, I don’t play golf either.”
Finally, the man asked while pulling the money from his wallet, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, gamble, dance or play golf.”

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it was pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

That means doing what your wife wants to do and pretending that you had the same idea.

gesundheit....say it slowly in three separate syllables.

(Goes in tight)

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

You Need Degas to Make De Van Gogh

Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

Good One!!

Things to think about

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* When 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday).

A Tour pro passes away and is standing in line at the pearly gates. Impatient and self-serving, he skips line and heads right for St. Peter.
Explaining to St. Peter that he is a professional golfer and deserves better than waiting in line like others, he demands to be admitted to heaven.
St. Peter replies that there are no favorites in heaven and that he must wait in line as the others. Grudgingly, the pro heads toward the back of the line to wait his turn.
Just as he reaches the back of the line, he notices a gentleman, dressed similarly and carrying a putter, approach St. Peter. St. Peter nods and allows the fellow to walk through the gates into heaven.
The golf pro, not believing his eyes, storms up to St. Peter demanding an explanation.
“I’m a multi-time Tour winner,” he began. “I have played and beaten the best golfers on Earth my entire life and you denied me immediate entry to heaven, yet you let that weekend hack walk right in?!?”
“Oh, that guy,” replies St. Peter. “That’s God. He only thinks he’s a golfer.”

From Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

It actually IS called “double v” in a lot of languages! Spanish & French immediately come to mind.

I thought in English it was dubya, like Bush.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years; I didn't want to interrupt her.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot & killed by the woman's husband.

FUNNY!

I though in English dubya was what the Queen did to make you a
Sir. And a Zed was the last letter in the alphabet.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”

“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”

“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”

“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”