Factory Joke Thread – August 2017

This is funny. I finally have the chance to be first in line for the Factory Joke Thread and I don't know any funny jokes. That's kinda funny, ain't it?

Phil

Having already downed a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't
matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you Federal or State?”

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

Senior Citizen Remixes

"You're So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon
"How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees
"I Can't See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash
"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra
"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores
"I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles
"Talking' �Bout My Medication" by the Who
"Bald Thing" by the Troggs
"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones
"I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" by Marvin Gaye

My doctor was was quite insistent that I begin eating more Burger King, Pizza Hut and KFC ...

Actually, what he said was, "Stop eating at McDonalds!" But I know what he really means ...

Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks
"Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The ad said 18 or over."

...though I have volunteered to do it!

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”

The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”

He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!”

He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”

The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.”

He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!”

The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

An 85-year old couple is on vacation when their plane crashes.

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.
When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. "It's all free," Peter replied. "We are in heaven, after all."
Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.
Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"
"It's free!" came the reply.
Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.
"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"
"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.
"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

An elderly couple were at home watching TV

Phil had the remote and was switching back and
forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel...
you know how to fish!"

Armadillo in Mustard Sauce
Ingredients:
1 1/4 cups dry white wine
1/2 cup oil
2 garlic cloves, crushed (optional)
1/4 cup butter
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 tsp. thyme
1/2 tsp. rosemary
1 med. onion, sliced thin
1 armadillo, cleaned and cut into serving pieces
1 1/4 cups light cream
1 tbsp. brown mustard (e.g. Gulden's) or Poupon Dijon
1 tbsp. cornstarch

Directions:
Mix all ingredients of marinade and add armadillo. Marinate about 8 hrs., turning meat occasionally. Remove armadillo and reserve marinade.

Melt butter in deep skillet and brown armadillo pieces. Pour in marinade and bring to a boil. Stir in seasoning, cover and simmer until tender (about 1 - 1 1/4 hours.) Remove skillet from the fire and place armadillo pieces on a warmed platter.

Mix mustard and cornstarch, then mix in cream. Return skillet to low heat and stir in this mixture a little at a time. Stir sauce until hot, but not boiling, and thickened. Pour sauce over armadillo. Serve with steamed rice.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street
two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,
"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday,
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right?
You can't even find the Post Office."

At a recent wedding ceremony,
the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant.
She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman,
"Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"

The woman replied,
"We can't hear in the back."

...and learn to run very, very fast. lol

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?". Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, NO SEX TONIGHT either!

Good One!!!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After 75 lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."

There has been some new and good jokes here now!!!

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
“Is that so?” the first said. “Did he do a good job?”
“Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot,” he said. “The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”

One evening my wife turns to me and says...

" I'd like more foreplay in our marriage "

I replied.." But honey, there's only two of us "

When your wife says she needs a new broom, it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

That is a good one.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work – not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

“Dark in here,” the boy whispers.
“Yes, it is,” the man replies awkwardly.
“I have a baseball. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”

A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.

“Dark in here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“I’ll tell.”
“How much?”
“$750.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

“I can’t,” the boy replies. “I sold them.”

“How much did you sell them for?” the dad asks.

“$1,000,” the boy proudly announces.

“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,” the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

“Dark in here,” the boy says.

The priest replies, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A friend told me that he was going to Hang Glider school. He said that he had been having lessons there for three months. I asked him, "How many successful jumps do you need before you graduate?"

He replied, "All of them."

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve mushrooms here”. The mushroom responds, “Aw, c'mon! I’m a fungi!”

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Always make me laugh ...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Clones are people two.

Scotty! Beam me aboard! Aye sir! Will a 2x4 do?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I went to my friend's funeral yesterday. He drowned.

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

You gotta hand it to her.

People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

A guy have not feeling good, go to the Doctor and the doctor after running some test, is telling the sick man that it will take a few day the get the test result, so he is telling him to come back in his office in 2 day..

So the sick Man still feeling not that great go back to the doctor 2 days later as told.

When the Doctor see him ,he said Well a have a BAD NEWS and a WORST News.

The patient all worrying ask what it is the bad news ?
the Doctor well you have only 24 hours left to live

And what it is the worst news ?

I have been trying to call you since yesterday

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

Now that there was funny! lol

Good One!!!

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”
“One,” said the young salesman.
“Only one?” blurted the boss. “The majority of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“$38,334,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small bag of tees, then a medium bag of tees and finally a really large bag of tees. Then I sold him a small box of golf balls, a medium box of golf balls and a huge box of golf balls.
“I asked him where he was going to golf and he said he was going down to the country club. I said he would probably need a golf cart, so I took him down to the cart department and sold him that new 300-amp electric golf cart with the nubby wheels.
“Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new pick-up to haul it in.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a bag of tees?”
“No,” answered the salesman. “Actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, “Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go golfing.”

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

An oldie but a goodie...

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th birthday; she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

I'll give him a call... "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she spoke right out... "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go at it all night... tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."