Factory Joke Thread – July 2017

ROFL... that was too funny.

Way too funny!

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said,'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

Scots...gotta love the consistency!

The new definition of liquidity: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Oldie but still a goodie.

thanks

To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver reads:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A sign on a blinds and curtain truck:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

 After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents...

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid !
Husband: Well, don’t you remember?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said, "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.

Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
>
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

The relatives:
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
His magician uncle - Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-Far Gogh
The constipated uncle - Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one fuckin' bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best fuck I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

lol

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism.

...windows closed, nightlight on, blanket over the bird cage and cat in the backyard. We ordered an Uber which arrived shortly after.
But right when we were leaving the house, the damn cat ran back inside through the closing door. Cat alone at home is a bad idea though because she always tries to eat the birds.
So my wife got in the Uber and I went inside to hush the cat back out. This took quite some time.
My wife is a little over-cautious and didn't want the Uber driver to think the house will be empty. So she told him that I just went back inside to say goodbye to my mother in law.
A few minutes later I was in the Uber too and apologized for being late. I said to my wife:
"That stupid bitch hid under the bed. So I had to use the broom to shove her fat ass out of there. She tried to run but I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped a blanket around her so she couldn't scratch me. I took her down the stairs and threw her in the backyard. Let's just hope she doesn't s**t in the pool again."
Needles to say it was a silent Uber ride.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder says, “Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so, all in all, I think it is pretty good. By the way, how is the golf?”
Nicklaus replies, “Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I’m still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
“I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right,” says Stevie.
“You play golf!?” asks Jack.
Stevie says, “Yes, I have been playing for years.”
“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.
“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.
“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.
“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”
Nicklaus says, “What is your handicap?”
“Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?”
“I don’t care,” Wonder says. “Any night next week is okay with me.”

Smile of the week!!!

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...
it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...