This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
John got a horrified look on his face.
She said"Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
John replied: “I wasn't."
I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'
I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells wonderful
A mother takes her pregnant daughter to the doctor...
The doctor looks the daughter over and asks "What seems to be the trouble?"
The mother says "My daughter is gaining lots of weight! Something is wrong.
"Ma'am, your daughter is pregnant. Nothing is wrong with a little weight gain."
The mother shakes her head and looks angry. "No! My daughter is an innocent little angel. She can't be pregnant. You're wrong!"
The doctor looks at the daughter, who seems embarrassed to even be there.
"Young lady, have you ever had sex?"
The girl looks at her mother, who frowns in disapproval. So she shakes her head.
"So you're a virgin?"
She looks back at her mother, then meekly nods.
"Never went out on a date and had too much to drink?"
Again she shakes her head.
"See," said the mother. "She is innocent. She's never even had a boyfriend."
The doctor nods, and walks over to his window and starts staring to the East.
"What are you doing?" the mother asked.
"Ma'am, your daughter is pregnant. Apparently with no father, like some sort of miracle. The last time something like this happened three wise men showed up and there's no way in hell I'm going to miss that!"
I had an ex wife like that...lol
During the Revolutionary war, a Lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play a round of golf.
At age 30 after they finish their round of golf, the Floridian asks the Michiganian"
"Where do you wanna go for lunch ?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks and the tight shorts, and the legs. "
Ten years later at age 40 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
At age 60 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Wings are half price.”
At age 70 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the front door.”
At age 80 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
“We've never been there before.”
"....... That's one ........."
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.** **
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $20.00...**
**on one condition..."** **
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."**
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with
her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely
concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully
"Clean my house."*
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
This guy is talking to a group of friends,
"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".
One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,
"I don't like you wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".
"Great"! He responds, "you can find her at Coles Monday morning, good luck".
Arty approaches his friend's wife from behind, wraps his hands round her neck, and asphyxiates her to death. Pleased with himself, Arty turns around to find that one of the customers has seen the whole thing, so he does what is necessary and strangles her to death too. Accomplished, Arty walks round the corner to find the manager, peering through some shelfs, he had witnessed the entire incident. Once again, Arty must take matters into account, and suffocates a second innocent bystander.
Over the next few weeks, police find out about the entire thing.
Do you know what the headline in the paper was the following day?
Arty chokes three for a dollar at Coles
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”
The girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”
Puns are quite punny...lol
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Frankie and Johnny were lovers, but it wasn't Frankie who shot Johnny. It was the other way around - it was Johnny who shot Frankie. He shot her a little bit below her waist. And you know what? The bullet is in her yet.
An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.
"Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.
"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.
A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.
"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"
The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacherexplained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
I asked my wife Connie if she would go to Lowes and pick up a hinge. She agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager Charlie to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Connie asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $498.00.
Connie exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range..". She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Connie shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Lowes.
So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.
Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"
Fiancee: "Well, I'm an artist."
D: "So you're doing well?"
F: "I paint, and god provides me with all I need to live."
So the dad is a bit confused.
D: "And what will you do when you marry my daughter? Will your art provide for the two of you?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for us."
D: "And when you have kids?"
F: "I will paint, and god will provide for my family."
The dad nods and walks out of the study. Outside, his daughter is anxiously waiting for him.
Daughter: "So, daddy? What'd you think of him? He's great, isn't he?"
"Well, sweetie," says the father, "I don't like his job choice. But, on the other hand, I LOVE what he calls me!"
A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, "I've been thinking about this a long time. I want to be castrated. This is important to me, and don't try to talk me out of it. I don't want any discussion. Just do it."
The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day.
The guy is laying in the recovery room afterwards with his knees up and an icepack where the work was done, and he looks over and sees another guy in the exact same recovery position. "Looks like we both got the same surgery."
The other guy nods, "Yeah, although I still feel silly getting circumcised--"
"THAT'S THE WORD!"
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
-Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?"
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ..
-"Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement.
- I paid in cash.
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
- I have have other source of cash.
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
-WHAT THE HELL?
- "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- "I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago.
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
Two buzzards were leisurely flying in the sky when a jet with a single engine under its tail went flying past them, flames shooting out of the engine..
"Wow," the first buzzard said. "That bird is flying fast."
"You'd fly fast, too, if your tail were on fire," the second buzzard replied.
What kind of man would make his woman wait for maintenance to come up? Speaking of which, he really wouldn't want anything to do with "maintenance". lol
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say: here, fill this out?
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch
For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be …. a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.
Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. “If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery.”
The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. “Simple,” was the translation, “they couldn`t afford the green fees.”
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
“I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,” sighed Mac, the golfer.
“Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Who can afford green fees even in this time?
What is meant by the modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’..
The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri. The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and Gen. Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo, Japan 0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?
(2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan 1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end!
Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' means.
Thanks for the laugh
Good stuff here as always. Thanks for posting.
What is meant by the modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’...Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' means
I know this is the Factory Joke Thread and I really like reading items like this, but unfortunately this particular exchange between President Truman and Gen. MacArthur never happened. See snopes:
I know everything I read on the internet must be true.. they wouldn't post anything on the internet that wasn't true would they? All that does is to clutter up the on and off ramps to the information superhighway!
decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catch up on my mortgage. Amen."
So the mailman came by and picked up his letter addressed to God. Got a kick out of it and decided to open it up with his coworkers. They felt bad for the poor man and decided to scrounge up some money to help the old guy out. They mustered up about $1000 bucks and dropped it in his mailbox in an envelope.
The next day the find another envelope addressed to God. They open it up and read "Thank you God so much! I knew we could count on you. Just an observation: Next time don't send it through the post office. Those darn bastards took $500."
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play a round of golf.
I had to send this to some golfing friends !!!
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Choices are always good....lol
The doctor asks: ""what's the problem"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have
some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood
that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
and$100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo
a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman
who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you cardand a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that -
last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy
thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?"
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie,
but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You"re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don"t have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"
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