Factory Joke Thread – March 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Page 1>>

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two Irishman

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

from joke a day

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Lucia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome any longer.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, her entire future family was standing outside and they were all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Monkeys...

What kind of monkey hangs out in minefields?
Babooms!

Crisco

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "M'am, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The woman replies 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere.'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'

'Lard Ass.'

I love old people!

On a flight

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Back from vacation

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

Short Groaners-Part 7

Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

Who don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.

sick at church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes" replied the girl.

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Screams of Passion

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? .......wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied,

I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Now that there was funny

BarneyBadass wrote:

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes" replied the girl.

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

Back to school

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy."

--
Nuvi 2595 LMT When you come to a fork in the road- take it. (Leo)

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

She obviously isn't a wine connoisseur...

She obviously isn't a wine connoisseur...

Waning Passion

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success.

Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

“There” he said to John, the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”.

“Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”

Psychology 101

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

She posed this question to her students:

"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A football coach?"

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

LIE DETECTOR ROBOT:

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Matter

I was taught in school everything was made up of three things, neutrons, protons, and electrons. This list is not complete, they left out morons.

The Conventioneer

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho-maniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Short Groaners-Part 8

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

What is the world's most popular wine? I don’t like Brussels sprouts.

How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.

What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

New government policy that concerns you

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me...oh, shit...I'll see you on the bus.

yp

GeoC320 wrote:

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me...oh, shit...I'll see you on the bus.

I'll be on the next one.

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

Problems

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Happy Anniversary

An older couple were bickering back and forth one day about the husband’s affection for the game of golf.
“You think so much about your golf game that sometimes I wonder if you even remember when we were married,” the wife said indignantly.
The husband threw his head back and scoffed. “Hah! Of course I do, my dear. It was June 15, 1965. I’d never forget the day I shot 68. It was the best round of my life.”

For all you golfers or would be golfers.

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her .

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationshipp continues to the next stage. So, before I ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "You're probably not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Give A Little Extra

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some
extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little
extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would
be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and
noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so
excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and
said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised
her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her
way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much
and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."

^ Now that one is funny!

Oy!

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

Drunk priest

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

"Is this your wife?"

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her." The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train." The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Short Groaners-Part 9

How does a man show that he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

Why did the blonde run with the bike? It was going too fast for her to get on.

It's better to do business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.

Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? The sun was out.

fries

now y'gotta read the following using your best Jack Nicholson voice and for the hick.. use your best not to bright voice..

========================================================================

Jack: Hi n' welcome to Jack in the Box. I'm Jack if y'know what I mean! How can I help y'today?

Hick: Uh.. I'll have a Jack Burger n' Fries

Jack: I'm sorry, we're cleanin' the fryer so we don't have any french fries right now.

Hick: Oh.. ok.. I'll have a Jack Burger n' a Small Fry

Jack: Oh maybe y'didn't hear me, we're cleanin' the fryer and we don't have any fries

Hick: Oh... well I'll just have a large order of fries.

Jack: Listen up sport; Who put the straw in strawberry?

Hick: Nature did!

Jack: That's right, nature did. Who put the Ape In Apricot?

Hick: Well... Nature did!

Jack: That's right, nature did. Now listen very carefully, who put the freak in french fries?

Hick: Uh... There ain't no freakin' french fries

Jack: That's what I've been tryin' to tell y'a butt breath! So quit orderin' french fries or I'll have to shove a Jack Burger so far up your butt you'll have to chew it before you can spit it out!

Jack: Oh, n' have a nice day!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Gotta just love ol' Jack.

Gotta just love ol' Jack. lol

Car Park

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

Charles, Count Talleyrand

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Now that there is funny....

Been there myself a few times. lol

TheBeachBum wrote:

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

An elephant story

n 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

A Religious Golfer

Bob was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn’t matter what the weather was like; it could be raining and 45 degrees, and Bob didn’t care. It was off to the course every single Sunday morning for years.
But one Sunday, Bob finally met his match with the weather. He got up early and drove out to the course, hoping the weather would improve by the time he hit the first tee. But once at the course, he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, and the rain was coming down steady and icy cold.
For the first time in years, Bob headed back home on a Sunday morning.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.”
“Yeah,” his wife replied, “Can you believe my idiot husband went golfing again?”

Whiskey

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "The doctor says that I should quit drinking!"

Bank

excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times
about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers,
who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,
were surprised t o see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only
a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also! contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were
opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of
gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

A blonde and a redhead

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Joke.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me?”

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Sex with Ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people
here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

Groaners-Part 10: Next Week New Title

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

A healthy nap not only makes you feel better, it also shortens the workday.

Trucker's hobby.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I thought I missed that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Great Stuff

As always, great stuff. smile

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee
Page 1>>