Factory Joke Thread – March 2017

A man calls the fire department and says, “Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.” “Very nice,” the firefighter says, “but what does that have to do with the fire service?” “Well,” the man answers, “the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.”

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador’s costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, “I m Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.” The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, “Ole!” and quickly moved it aside.

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn’t subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said, “Get them damn brakes fixed we figure.”

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
“Please dear, I need help.” she said.
The husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”
A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his shot. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” the husband said calmly. “I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’d come and help you.”
“The second hole? When is he coming?” she panted.
“Hey! I told you not to worry.” he said, stroking his putt. “Everyone has already agreed to let him play through.”

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he 'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut !!!

A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks Have you got the time?

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says it's about a quarter to six.

Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch, exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out, and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues I've put in regional accents for each city.

The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

That's not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons it has more than a dozen and a tiny but very high resolution map of New York City appears on the display. If we were outside, Jake says apologetically, it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten, he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

It responds to voice? gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically. But I haven't got it all programmed yet, most of the functions are still button-activated.

I want to buy that watch, says the stranger. Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. But look at this: and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far, says Jake. He starts up The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.

I've got to have that watch, he says.

No, you don't understand; it's not ready

I'll give you $1000 for it.

Oh, no, I've already spent more than $8000.

I'll give you $10000 for it.

But it's just not done.

I'll give you $15000 for it. And the stranger pulls out a chequebook. I've just *got* to have that watch.

But.... Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. $15000?

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.

Jake abruptly makes his decision. Ok, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.

Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Don't you want the batteries?

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that!

I think my neighbor is stalking me - she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"
"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your office"
"I see" says the doctors and proceeds to prescribe her some pills. "Take these three times a day and come back for a checkup in a week".
A week later the woman storms into the doctors office. "Doctor what have you done! ever since taking those pills my farts have become unbearably stinky, you've made it worse!"
The doctor calmly says "right, now that we've cured your sinuses, lets start working on your hearing"

For Christmas, I want Santa's list of naughty girls.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how everything works.

How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.

Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they'll look forward to the trip.

Great joke! In tears over that one. Gotta share it with my lawyer sister!

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says, "Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first." The men mumble agreement, and the first man says; "Well, I've been suspecting for a while that my wife was having an affair. I came home early one day and found her naked on the sofa. I said, 'Aha! Where is he?' but before she could answer I saw a man hanging off our railing on the terrace. So I walk over to him, and hit him with my shoes until he lets go and falls to his death. For good measure, I dragged a refrigerator over and dropped it onto the man. But all of that stress gave me a heart attack, so here I am." St. Peter nods in acknowledgement, and the second man says; "Well, my cat escaped onto the terrace again today. I went to go catch it, but I tripped on my balcony railing and fell! Luckily, I caught my neighbor's railing and held on there, screaming help. But then he sees me, runs over, and starts hitting me with his shoe until I fall! I fall, and barely survive, but then I see a refrigerator flying at me... And now I'm here." The first two men look over at the third man, who says: "Well, I was having the best sex of my life with a gorgeous woman. But the door rang, and she told me to hide in the refrigerator... And now I'm here!"